another beginning

I now see what if one's heart become hard, becomes a stone. well. i've this one big bro who's leading in the church i am attending. well recently, i was getting active and all in the church so i am aware of how everything moves. before, i only knew him because of his looks, definitely acknowledge him as a singer and became interested to him when a chuchmate shared to me about her admiration for this guy. now for several times, we were able to have some conversations though we weren't able to be as close as i suppose. we've got the same attitude, reserved but we've decided to tackle the either ways of the road. i know that its his hurts that made him that way but doesn't he acknowledge himself as a christian? why was he acting that way. yes, he's acting childish and i see that cute but can't he somehow act his age? i mean, decide maturely, see things beyond what normal eyes can see. don't mistaken me for judging him because i am not. i am sad of how his brain works. i am sad of why, for the second time around someone stepped out of the church. i am sad because why should it always end like this. they were all stuck up in the past and its very unhealthy. comparing is really a good thing specially when you are thinking for development, but once it gets you anxious, its no good. it would make you envy and do things which you would thought is God's will. i've been through his struggles now but i can't believe he gave up just like that. just because he was out he'll leave the church? i mean, he know the church needs him yet his acting arrogantly like "i don't know anymore". we was telling that the past ministry, to where he is being trained, was more of like a family. i believe it was one but because the other leaders quit, so that's how it is? they're going to leave it behind like that? yes, he tried, others tried to revive the team, but can't they seem to understand that its also themselves that's making it confusing? its because of themselves that's making conversation not properly conveyed. i wonder what kind of "try" was he saying. if he didn't give up, now, why can i feel that there's the tension going on? i mean, i can feel that somethings really up with the team. i guess he was tired but he must not give up. yes. i am hurt. i am hurt because i again see the problem. i mean, its been everybody's problem. the relationship inside the church. well its not a big deal when your making yourself open. i think its because they are allowing themselves to put a barrier that's why its making them hard to realize the joy inside a church. now concerning the way he is. well i heard a lot of rumors about how odd his attitude is but everyone is adjusting their ways to him as they say. well true because even his best friend decided to make a space between their relationship. sigh. he was just to hard. he really can't understand. i don't say that i am way to knowledgeable about him but what i was just telling him about my experience to which was really alike to what we just experienced. well i am not telling that we've got the right answers, the right ways to follow that's why i am sharing that to him, but what i did was to share the experience alone hoping he'll realize something. fail. sigh. i wanna tell him that experience: there was a time in a ministry that my friends and i were leading that we were blinded to what really God wanted us to do, thus, we ended up copying the program the past leaders were applying for the purpose of MULTIPLYING THE PERSONS in the ministry alone. now, this is not right as we came up to a lot of realizations. God was really God to us, never failed to let us see the light that what He wanted us to do is never be afraid of the future thus face the present - to which, is our own selves. He wants us to mature and He wants us to leave Him the anxiousness of the ministry's population. everything doesn't go for an instant snap of a finger and ka-boom! in others, you may apply it but i believe that God has purposes and that's something we need to see and nourish. I know that i cannot undo what that friend decided because i am not God, i cannot judge whether he made a wrong decision or what, but i was just sad with the thought, "we didn't chose the same path." you see, God is great. He told the ministry to where i am involve that it is not our job to increase the number of persons involve in the ministry He handled to us, but the Salvation. Yes, it is the salvation that matters the most in Him. bringing more souls back to Him. I know the church is not perfect and i don't know if he himself know about it. i can say that he was blinded by how the other churches are capable of increasing their population as fast as a blink of an eye. that was an issue to me too but i withdrawn it, to think the church i am attending back then was just like that. and to think, if they keep on doing silly things on their own, and be blinded by their selfishness, how will the church grow as they wanted. sigh. i know that i can't blame him if he feels that way because i really know nothing for real, really wasn't there when the church started to be something sad or like that and that i, myself see the wrong points to which I myself am afraid to work on. Blessed I am to have my team in the latter ministry i said because we, ourselves decided to be mature in God's time. patience maybe hard but we are holding all of God's promises to us, we are holding that vision to the church. i still have fears and i still get angry. i still have pride and admit that i am not perfect. but i'm going to do my best in bring out the best in the church to glorify God's name. i know with my friends decision, a lot of realizations will come up. it may not be the same but i pray that it'll be for good of oneself and God the best. whatever the circumstances may be, opening of hearts is really the best tool in situations like these. i may not be that person who saw the greatness of the church's past, but i am the present that knew that past, enjoys the present church i know and develop it in the near future. setting aside our selfishness would bring everything into one understanding, one wisdom, that is, to bring GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD. :)

Fm Static
Dear God lyrics
Send "Dear God" Ringtone to your Cell
Dear God I wrote this letter,
To put my thoughts on paper,
Sometimes life seems like a criminal,
Without a well planned caper
I know You're the answer,
But I forget the question,
How do I know You love me,
When no one else, seems to care

I've tried everything I thought,
Might help me understand things,
And it didn't tell me anything,
Or even play my heart strings
So I'm writing You this letter,
To wait for Your reply,
I am so tired, of not believing,
I'll give You a try
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/fm_static/dear_god.html ]
I don't know, but I got this feeling,
That today's gonna be my turning point,
Everyday I get a little bit closer,
It feels so good to finally be over
I don't know, but I think I'm learning,
This type of thing,
Never been my calling card,
Sometimes you just gotta look closer,
Instead of searchin' so hard

So when I start to get down,
And the world fills up around me,
And my head starts
Spinnin' like a top,
From the way my heart beat's pounding
I can look up for a second,
And know that I'm alright,
I spent so long, not believing,
It's my turn to fly

I don't know, but I got this feeling,
That today's gonna be my turning point,
Everyday I get a little bit closer,
It feels so good to finally be over
And I don't know, but I think I'm learning,
This type of thing, never
Been my calling card,
Sometimes you just gotta look closer,
Instead of searchin' so hard


SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA LOOK CLOSER, INSTEAD OF SEARCHING SO HARD.

september

errr. this is bad. i didn't right something for the month of September that for in fact, i should have made a lot because it's one special month of my life. sigh. anyways, i was doing a lot if stuffs that's why even dropping by here for a moment i didn't made. :)

nineteen

hello there, it's been a while. ahaha. i just turned 19 few days ago and guess what? i just can't believe this, i'm like the oldest in my bunch of friends yet i still act like an immature one. ugh! yeah right, still selfish as ever. well i know that selfishness is one real way to destruction of oneself, and as i learn more about it, i can't help feeling down about it. looking the sunshine side? well yes, He wants me to exercise the application of being selfless and temperance for my anger yet it drives insanity to dwell in me. cancel! a friend once said: everything might not be easy but it's not impossible. so i was like, for real?! i highly admit that this person is one big personality in terms of those i really admire when you see me in person and ask me about it. i too do admit that she is way to good, way to obedient, sweet and whatever you may call her and that's why i admire her the most. she is spiritually maturing and i am still far way behind and because of this, she knows how to handle whatever the world offers to her that might pull her down. and what's amazing with her? she doesn't back up, she immediately thinks about God and boom! everything seems fine.
God's favorite eh? HAHA. i wonder if i belong to those on His list, i wonder if He have those list. Hnnng. He has his purpose why I am still on this stage. maybe he's got something to tell me but i cannot hear. maybe He wants me to understand something yet i do not know what. Patience is what i need according to James 1:1-5. PATIENCE. yes, patience. i should not dictate God of what's the best for me because after all He's the only all-knowing. i should not ask for something i do not know for FYI, i do not own anything in this world. this 2 facts i need to understand. these 2 facts i need to surrender and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me on the right way. I want to grow, yes but on His time - believe that it's always the best. I want to have something i can call my own - so why not uncover your ears and eyes from God turn your back to Him and see that He is waiting patiently for your come back. ♥

just wanna share this edited photo. wanna share how you can be someone you don't imagine or realize yourself once you are GOD's. :] Be blessed.

tiring day

this is such a tiring day. i slept like quarter to 3 in the morning awhile ago and woke up around 7:30 because of the need to read of someone's speech. anyways, i find his speech impressive though i got bored immediately because my eyes sucks. i can't look in the screen longer.

"i feel no sympathy, you live inside a cave... no time for being sorry" from paramore's feeling sorry. just remembered something irrelevant. this bg music's getting in my nerves, though i like paramore.

my class is 9:30 am and i'm still home doing nonsense. im no longer reading the speech anymore, could you imagine reading 10-pages speech? i should not complain for i a have mistake in the very first place, why i ended up being exhausted today. sigh. got a lot of things that bothers me a lot; it makes my shoulder's shrug whenever i think about it.

anywaysss, GOOD VIBESSS - POSITIVESSS. :] My GOD IS GREAT, so it's okay. He's my refuge and strength. <3

one good girl talk

last night, i had a good time with the best of my HS buddies. well we weren't complete in the group though 'cuz uh, well some already had their classes resumed.

in the group we are originally those type who keep on laughing and talks nothing but funny things. i could still remember how gullible we can be when one of us would crack a joke and everyone will laugh. those times were nothing to compare, really. those times were worth it to cherish because its just once in a lifetime. and because the group is somewhat approachable, we extended in number. the original had a page though and i am somewhat relieved to that-thinking i'm a selfish one. our friendship started when we were still HS yet that was already at our last year. 2 in the group were the most i really had my life into. i was separated to them when we were on our 3rd year because i explored (let's say) a life that's somehow i don't really mind. hihi. well then, seems the Lord really gave them to me that's why no matter how difficult the times were, we stayed still to be the best of friends.

before, it took me a long time to make myself realize that i had friends, i had the best. i wasn't able to notice that they were treating me one already since i was defining friendship in a different manner. and again, i thank God for giving such understandable folks, that even though i lack attention just like a kid at this age, still they were so kind to me. i'm selfish and i do not really do stuffs like beautifying myself like them. others might think i might feel out of place but no; i don't really mind. i mean, i love looking at them being conscious with their selves, well maybe its just me who has this problem of using beauty products. they don't do stereotyping-i mean, i guess we sometimes feel, but we really don't do as much as possible.

i had a great time with them 'cuz it seems like we came back to the time when we were still at HS having this chit chat after lunch in the classroom. the difference this time was just that, we had this stuff at the park around 8-9 pm. wasn't it kind of growing up? HAHA. i mean we weren't talking adult stuffs, we laugh at it when we come to be serious and be back talking about our experiences.

last night, it seemed like i spent most of my time with them being silent. i mean, i feel like listening to their convo rather than intruding in it. its not like i don't belong or as if i do not know what they are talking, well in fact its somehow common to all. maybe i was still tired from the other day's escape in davao. but then, its worth it. i was able to hear perspective from them but i think i wasn't able to do my job during that time. i don't know but something's pulling me away to kind of share my experience God's love to me. i know God was disappointed because i wasn't able to speak and stand Him. i just keep on repeating in the convo: by me, i'll just wait.

today, i was able to compare the difference of having friends whom you rely on according to your need. i can say that i am emotionally poor that's why i need my pals by my side, but then spiritually? i'm far more poorer than those i know whose faith seems to be an unbreakable wall. i wanna have the guts to stand for Him, but i gotta problem with myself. i gotta deal with it. again, i gotta be reminded to kill the flesh and nourish the spirit. i need to be someone reliable. i must not resent over the past from time to time. i need to be someone who have good motives and intentions in the eyes of God. i wanna live a live a life of prayer. i wanna live a life with full of trust in Him. i wanna explore this life with Him. i wanna share HIs love to them, my friends who still doesn't know Him.

I need to seek in order to find Him; i need to just surrender this life without doubt or fear. i need to be fed by His word. i need to be patient. i must have prudence. i need to have wisdom to know what He really wants me to do. In time, in HIS Time.