Just when I thought that was enough

So it's still not enough?

Was the thing I surrendered the wrong thing? When you said to put You first in everything, did you mean to surrender everything else? I just don't understand. I want to get angry but I'm just confused and I just can't comprehend what's happening.

My heart's all fussed and messed up. I want to cry. I want to understand. I want to know. What am I suppose to do? Where's my salvation for this? If by chance, I'll be able to get a disciple, will I be able to be someone who deserves to dream as what my dream is?

Someone enlighten me. I just heard something I actually don't want to hear. I thought someone will comfort me and encourage me all through out, though that was just a clearer message from the still messages He had and has for me. I heard myself sound like a fool telling what's withing me but the message confronted me: Discern.

When I heard that, everything seemed to fall apart. So after, it's not for me eh?

...

The Next Big Thing (Summit)

Before August left, I was able to meet awesome beings! 

Jen Gerodias-Diaz. A cosmetic entrepreneur - founder and CEO of Snoe Beauty Inc., which is soon to be launched internationally, spoke about her journey with Snoe in the yellow road, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz did.

Ralph Manalo Wunsch. Founder and CEO of MetroDeal.com, an online selling site like Amazon and Ebay, which is nationally acclaimed, speaks how competitive nowadays to use the internet as means in business.

Leeroy New.A designer and an artist. He is basically a sculptor and turns out to be a versatile artist. He engages with international transactions from his abstract, distort and practical art works.

I am able to meet these people because of Pat. I was bothered by her missed calls and a message: call or text me when you're done. To know that she wanted me to grab the opportunity to join the summit, to know that she'll pay for it, and to know that she won't be coming with us (I am with Daryll). Of course I was a bit: whuuut?! But she hopeful of meeting Leeroy, a co-artist of the photographers (everywhere we shoot) she admire. And due to work constraints, she won't be able to come and thus passed that chance to me and Dar.

I was actually shock. But she always wanted to join summits, conferences, seminars like this. Actually I don't know why she wanted to but if you were to ask me, I want to be inspired to carry one and move, to believe and to be able to work "what you really want to," as they say.

Amongst the speakers, I was more into Leeroy's speech. Just as you know, arts really interest me. I know people say there's no money in it but, practically speaking, but as I see things from people who are working devotedly with passion, money comes to them, follow them, rather than 
be those who comes after money. Actually, I am not after money when I think I can be able to do what I really desired the most, to share my talent and inspire just lots of people out there who might be disappointed from their current status.

Well I can't say. I might just be someone regular. But I can also be someone who can be special. I don't know where I'll be going, I don't actually know what road to choose right now. All I know is that I see roads beyond. I am still walking and contemplating, with a branch on my hand brushing it like a maestro, whistling and sometime taking a glimpse of the sky bounded by the trees in the corners of my eyes.

Actually I was not really as excited as I was before. After the summit, I was thinking, asking Him if that's what He wants me to take part. Rather, I was challenged to really pursue arts in the future. I don't know which field I'll be taking in but I want to be as versatile as Leeroy, as much as possible. He was most linked to sculpture, and from there, ideas grew and branched his creativity into fashion, architectural and alike.

"I didn't want to be like him," I spoke to Pat and Dar while dinning. "I'll be a competitor."

I am considering industrial designs you know. I wanted to utilize what has been eminent and developed in me ever since. Leeroy was just so blessed to start his career when he's still in highschool - enjoying art at all cost. 

He has his portfolio is found with this site: http://leeroynew.com/
 
All of them faced risks, difficulties and criticisms. These people went through instances I believe which they reached the peak of having none. Ms. Jen, actually confessed about a time when she was really at lost yet she needs to continue. And she decided to invest it all. With hesitations and fear, I guess bugging her, she believed that God won't leave her after all she's gone through. And that was accounted to her. And look at Snoe now. Slowing climbing the international cosmetic competition.

"It does not matter how fast you get there," Ms. Jen speaks of the issue of using wealth as means of achieving the position where she is right now. "What really matters is you reach it."

"You are compelled to be inspired..." says Leeroy. This statement came after the question of how can you make profit of arts since its been a compartmentalized mentality in the locale that there's no money in it. So as to speak, Leeroy said that he was there not because of entrepreneurship or anything, he was there to speak art and just share about it.

I might not be a genius nor I have all the resources I need, but someday, somehow, I'll be able to reach it. I just need to take it slow, easy and never forget to enjoy every opportunity given to me. So just wait. I'll be able to meet what I'm supposed to meet, someday. Someday. Those desires will just collide with each other. Someday.

"If we walk far enough," said Dorothy, "I am sure we shall sometime come to some place." (Wizard of Oz by Lyman Frank Baum)

2 is better than 1

You can always say what you want. You can always speak what's in your mind. Others won't understand. And it's not a problem. Because they won't anyway.

Different perspectives fill that disadvantageous gap. It creates a brand new and different way of thinking and looking things, that only 2 or more persons can see. "A pass can never be a pass without other parties."

Others do not see our strength, and so we are to them.
Others do not understand our weakness, and so we are to them.

But what's amazing with these facts are, when it collides, things what we don't know about them and what they don't know about us, it becomes a strong tie that intertwines every possible space that could create a hole.

It's never a bad to let others know how we perceive things, and that's how I think of it. It's their problem anyway if they see it annoying or what; but that's just how I deal with myself. It a wonderful privilege isn't it?

I don't know how to express myself here, but my point really is, speak yourself. If they accept it, then good. If they don't, well its not like you're convincing them. And if they correct you, be thankful and accept it. You can not fill the holes - your weaknesses, alone. You need God, you  need others. That's how we are amazingly created. To be able to fill other's gap, and be filled in return. 

I love your soul.

Deafening Silence

Monochrome

Psalm 58

You are deciphering me

Exams are coming but I'm into editing. Huehuehue. I was planning on putting quotes for all of the pictures but it seems it's better like this. I don't know but I really appreciate what I have done. I'm sorry for making myself as the model. I didn't have anyone. And I don't have a proper camera. I usually take photos of the sky, just a hobby, until recently... 

Photos speak memories. Still photos convey messages. Visual images make you decipher.

I know its not spectacular, splendid, nor excellent. But I trust my guts when I say its beautiful. I might be someone who's confined in a monochrome world, and doesn't know how to react with colors. But I see. I can see.

Anyways, time sure flies fast. On the 10th of September is already the University's Graduation Pictorial. Excited? I don't know but I just wanna be at my best in the photo. I just wanna spend the remaining days at college, so remarkably beautiful.

I'm stepping into a new world. A new decade, another flourishing journey to get into. If there's one reason to be excited, that is be my reason. I don't know what's to come but I sure will be walking and waiting - even if it means I might get lost, I know I will just come back right on track - and meet my destiny. I think when I walk. I always do that, sure it's some wisdom stuck in my sleeves. I'm already knotted in my red tie of destiny, so no matter what happens, I know for sure, someday, I will.

The thrill of this journey gives me chills, and it makes me wanna look forward to it. I'm excited. Yes, for an unknown reason, unknown grounds, unknown future. This travel is gonna be worth it. Thank You, Lord. I trust You for Your plans for me, and for all the people around me. I give back all the glory and honor to Your name! I am so grateful for Your presence my Lord, and that is beyond words of thanksgiving.

The pavement is already done, all we have to do is run a good fight in faith. I say, patience and work, it's a good combo before the Lord comes!

Tears stream down your face... I'll fix you.

I don't understand myself

I treasure people. I really cherish them much. To the extent of holding them tightly in my hands.

I do not know how to balance.

All I know is black and white.

Extremes.

"Rau, I miss you." Pat said.

We were inside the van full of our kuyas and ates when she whispered those words. I was shock. I was happy. It was as if, I was avoiding her for an unknown reason. And it feels like, "what have I done?"

I was thinking when she messaged me at facebook (just a while ago) that music was really reuniting us. In someway or another. I don't know. But that's how I see it right now. We were jamming with friends inside the church when we realized, we were cherish HS memories.

Well yeah, HS memories. Too old. Too old.

I wanted to have memories with those people I really care for with the present, with something I can say it just happened recently. And of course, that would be hard when people around you is more entertaining than you. You can never catch attention when you just sit and decide to never step out where you are.

It's my attitude. I do not interfere relationships. I admit that even it hurts, I don't speak because it would such be selfish of me to do meddling things again. And I know I had it to the extreme. And I must say I do not know how to put it in a way, I can also enjoy.

You might say I always think of other people or how considerate I am. But I think I'm just protecting myself from getting hurt. I easily get hurt. I cry and laugh easily over petty things. And that's my weakness. Because I can't deceive what my own eyes can see, I run away.

I stop communicating to people.

And just so you know, it hurts so much. And I just want to tell you that I am afraid of loneliness. I might seem strong and introvert for others but I have enough of being alone. I wanted to be left alone but I don't want it. That's the battle inside me. Ironic isn't it?

I feel grateful when she said those words but I can find my heart saying: Hey, you've found great ones to spend most of your time. I confess I am selfish with relationships that is why my doors are always close. Only those people who dare to bang in can enter my circle and really know the me.

Sigh. How hard will I become?

Though it really surprised me. It's just that my gratitude isn't that much developed.

And P.S.
DictoComp was harsh to me today. I didn't like it but I find it really interesting.

I am also encountering the same problem with Diwa, a friend I used to blogged here. Sorry for being to emotional right now. Girl thing. And I just need to know and deal this thing. If its not in blogging, nothing will ever come out from my mouth.

My friends are my treasures. My family is my oasis. I know there's still golds and diamonds along the way, scattered and waiting to be dug-out, someday I'll be that someone who is able enough to careful knock those big hard walls and found those gems lying beneath.



#selfishnessdoesnotmakeusbeautiful 

Even extremes can have its downside whether you like it or not. Why can't I weigh things properly?