Gray moments

It's been a while, isn't it? 

Christmas is coming.
I am aging.
I sense pimples,
how can i get rid of it?

Time sure runs fasts. I don't know if it's because I'm 21 or I'm just aware of how everything moves around me now as part of the group called adults. 

There are things that I wanted to do, but I just don't know how. And there are things I am expected to do but I don't want to. There are things that by this age, I must've understood. And there are still certain things that I avert my gaze because simply I just don't want to believe. There are also these things that I should do but I wonder why I can't do it. I have plenty of time left for a half season before I end University yet why do I feel something's lacking? Things like these, really burdens me.

You see, it all started when I found out my spiritual gifts and what was His message to me after that. My gifts were not as special as I want it to be. Yet still He told me to get humble. Like, what was that? And everything after that went floating in the sea. Everything seemed to shut inside of me. I felt broken, disappointed, hurt and bad. I am a bad kid after all. I just want to be special 'ya know and that's all.

"Did you even make Me dear to your heart? Have you even separated a portion specially for Me? You are not able to get what you want because You are not even trying to get all of those. You make this picture: You talking to Me while hesitating to cross a line which you, yourself drew.  Did you get it? Child, all this time, I have been listening to you. I have been faithful as you have testified. But aren't you excited to see what else can I give you? I know your prayers but I want you to be devoted in it; tell me specifically, dearly, passionately, what you want. I love you and I withhold nothing to my beloved."

Things dug deeply inside me,
what might those things be?
Hasty malicious human emotions,
you make a lot of hysteric notions.

Like a mad man running,
without looking he fell drowning,
in the pool of sinking mud -
suffocating, it's heavy and dark.

I count one and two and three
and I heard the sharp noise seek.
With a speed faster than lightning,
it hits my heart half-finished beating.

The rest of the moment went gray,
the world stopped and I see decay.
I stared long with skeptic eyes,
I remember the burning dark lies.

Tears from heaven began to gush
I saw a reflection behind the bars
along with the kind speaking wind
I realized it was me on a pint.

While making this poem out of the tempest, I saw this vision of me facing myself. The distance between us was about enough to sense we both are breathing. Then this other person of me moved its hand to close both of my eyes and the other free hand holding my cold hands. That feeling that right after that moment, you know the person holding you. So gentle, full of peace, kindness, love and security. Tears started to warm my cheeks and I mouthed words - pain, sorrow, longing, questions, disappointments, fear, thanksgiving, praise, worship. Undoubtedly, this is Someone your flesh and soul jointly knows well.

And no one can ever do that except Him.

Yes, Him. Jesus.

"Stand on your convictions - guided by the Holy Spirit, crowned with wisdom that comes from the Father, and an abounding love that blossoms from me [Jesus]. Go on, do not be afraid. We'll take things together."

Cause my comfort would prefer me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

CS Lewis, Brooke Fraser

"So as this journey comes to an end and you'll begin your next, know that you were meant for greatness, and for good. They won't be easy and certainly not quick, it may take you your entire life to fulfill what it is that you are meant to do. But every step will put you closer. Every experience will prepare you for the next. Every failure will lead you into your success. You'll be tested in ways you can't imagine but I have confidence that you will prevail; that you will see you dreams come to forwishen. And that you will leave your mark, your legacy on this world."

- an excerpt from the movie THIS IS OUR TIME.

A girl's heart should be so lost in God that a guy must seek Him to find her.

Guards up!

I missed this! Blogging midnight with thoughts I can't even understand.

You see, I don't want to fall in love. No, not yet.

I have stated my standards already and as of now, I can't say that I deserve that someone if ever I already met him by chance.

It's been troubling me ever since the church has been opened with this kind of issue. Well, it's not like it's not a godly relationship but rather unusual. I grew up with those people focused about the well being of the church. And here goes these people strangled on their relationships as opposite sex.

I won't understand unless I wore and walk on their shoes. True.
And I don't want that.
No, not yet.

Priorities.

Dreams.

There's just so much I wanted to do and enjoy, and I believe that something like won't help me in achieving what I really wanted to do. It's troubling, awkward, tempting, annoying or envy. I'm still not up for that. I still want to learn more, move more, see for myself that I am doing what I wanted to do for the longest time.

But what do I want to do?

What is my cause?

If I were to evaluate my priorities, my family comes first and then my dream. My dream to become a versatile visual artist and inspire and tell the world that THIS IS BECAUSE OF FAITH; BECAUSE OF GOD.

But whenever I try recalling this, His voice never fails my hearing: PUT GOD FIRST. 
My priority, it should have been like that.

After a long journey, I have met this message again, PUT ME FIRST - in everything. I remember the sermon a while ago: IF YOU TRUST GOD FOR YOUR SALVATION, WHY WON'T YOU TRUST HIM WITH YOU LIFETIME PARTNER THEN? So this goes out for all the youths out there impatience to know WHO MIGHT IT BE.

But you know, one thing I realized in this journey is that, guarding your heart is really hard. Really, really hard. Specially when faces are the same? Fickles and Flings are inevitable, unstoppable. But what can you do?

Stand on your ground. You need not to stoop a level just to make it all even. No, you have your own calling and you need to stand on it. In everything, God has allowed things to happen in our life so that we may see how much He wanted us to be accounted as righteous. He allows us to experience it not just because He wanted us to be stronger but also He wants us to understand that there is no impossible to things we believe we deserve to have.

You and I have differences yet what makes it beautiful is how we fit in each other's holes.

I am not bitter. I might be afraid. But what is clear to me right now is that I have to fight for my top priority. And when the time comes when I need to face what I am most afraid of, then I believe I have been trained well to be able to be in a threshold in facing it.

There's just so much that I don't understand yet but I will wait, for my hope is in the Lord. 

For September :)

Hi October! My university days are really counted.