Dead Emotion

In order to be resurrected, there should be death.

As of now, this is what I'm holding on. I've been under construction for sometime now and it concerns about my emotions. I always grew tired whenever I do things as I want, to much flesh is too much emotion, too much pain.

I laid it down to my Father's care after an encounter and thus here I am, feeling so empty, so emotionless. I mean, I've got lots of encounters, breakthroughs, confrontations because of my selfishness and I got exhausted from it. Yes. There are times that I wanted to cry so much yet tears won't run down - and I felt what "don't cry over spilled milk" means. Even in laughing, I do not understand myself. I laugh yet it wont last that long - so I guess that's what "happiness is just temporary" means.

I am wandering for days and yes, I am empty. I am waiting to be filled by something that is proper, right and healthy.

Love.

I wonder what it is. Its not the simple love that everyone knows. I myself do not understand why I am after this kind of lackness in me. I am weak, yes, I am still in love with the same person 3 years ago, but what I am seeking right now is not what I have just admitted. Both love were different, way so much far different.

I believe that, after sometime, I'll be able to understand what kind of love I am looking for. The love that is beyond every human's capability, the love that comes from God.

I know that there's the Bible to guide but I still can't understand. I am becoming stronger in my faith yet it is still young. I am loving it, I know God doesn't want me to hurry but take every single step in this journey carefully.

I want to see how God see things. I want to know how He works on things.

I want to be alive.

And I am alive in Him.

There are still things that I should learn. I am growing up in Him. I am growing up with Him, so there is nothing really to be afraid of.

One day, I shall be sharing the revival of how to feel, how to sympathize, how to be glad. I know that God is at work to fill me the righteousness He wants me to have.