i'm sick

i pray i'll get well soon. well definitely i should be. there's still a lot of things to mind before laying down at bed and sleep. sigh. :/

and i will miss you cos im happy that i had you at all. haha. i just remembered what i told myself i had my last prom during senior year. it was a week before the real event when i told my best friend that "by the time the flightless bird will start playing and someone would ask me to dance, then that someone i would definitely fall for". i think i declared it that's why i just can't get over this super special friend. haha. yes. i admit that i still have feelings for him but i do not understand why isn't it much intense the way i had before. yet im still thankful that i was able to overcome those painful memories i had with him. to remember all those stuffs just made me sad. you know, sometimes i wanna go back into me back then but i can't - i just can't. i need to be good. i promised Him. compared to everything that i've been through, its His experiences that no one could ever surpass. im happy to know that as i cried and was hurt last year, He was with me all the time yet i didn't give Him any acknowledgment. He was with me when i was so down and wept my tears away. He healed my angry and sad heart. im happy to have Him around me. im happy that He could be anything that i could wish. ^^ MY FIRST LOVE, JESUS. ♥

so shallow and obnoxious

waaai. there's a lot of things to do. i kept on cramming even i have a lot of time in my hands. sigh. im sick of myself you know? its not like im getting emo - don't give me that, 'cuz im not. anyways, as what im saying, im getting tired of myself being so introvert and block-head. im tired of reminding myself to do this and not to do that yet i can't simply follow. i dont understand myself. i cant control it. its really getting hard because once i get slipped off of my way, maybe i wont bear it much and get man (but not totally).

weak

i get so weak in the knees i can hardly speak. HAHA.

frustrations

i wanna jump off a high cliff. i really feel frustrated right now because of those recklessness i did the past week. first of the list, the result of my first final quiz in accounting. i am an accounting major student and i always aim for high results, what for in fact it’s always give me dismays. well, let’s take it this way: few weeks before, we had our first quiz for finals. i did study hard for that day and as a proof, i stayed up late up until 3 AM the next day and just the day of quiz. i really didn’t have this king of hard work when i was in HS that is why up until know i still try hard to cope up my study habit. i drunk an energy drink just to boost my tired body and read everything on that jaw-dropping reviewers. But then the results this morning gave me 60 over 100. WHAT WAS THAT! i tried to answer the wrong answers and hell i calculated the right answers. you know what’s frustrated about this? because i’m aiming to be on the next level of accountancy. i’m already second year and i just can’t drop it as easy as like giving up because this is my reputation and i must be with it until the end. i’m the kind of person that once i started here, i must end everything here. my midterms didn’t gave me a passing grade that is why i am really striving hard for the finals. shoot. that score really gave me a heart breaking sigh. i just can’t get over that sad event. hahaha. going further, the next disappointing thing that happened this day was, i passed the editorial writing contest for our intramural. what’s frustrating about this well for in fact this is a good news? well i didn’t hope for any editorial writing, rather the feature writing. yes, it should be FEATURE WRITING not EDITORIAL WRITING. i don’t have the guts to be an editorial writer you know? though i admit that i love writing but no one really appreciated one of my pieces. i just want writing because i can express my own opinion. i know editorial is somehow related with feature writing but the fact that i must do the opposing and gave my point of view is something i really doubt i can do. i rarely speak about opposing one’s idea because i’m not one confident person that could give someone a satisfying answer. i always shake whenever i got into situations i’m not suitable. to think that i must’ve been chosen for the English editorial is a forced decision for my college officers, i really pity myself and wished i didn’t join the audition. last year, my college won the editorial writing during intramural and i feel so intimated knowing that he/she’ll be coaching me for the event. i dunno what to do because i really feel that i don’t suit that position, that i’m not good enough for that level. i don’t want to join anything for replacement. i don’t want to pity myself because it always make me feel frustrated and not confident of what i’m doing. and so, i need some strength to carry on until everything ends. i need ideas and vocabulary to make my piece like an editorial. sheesh. gimme a break, please. the past few days gave me waist in deep sighs. i can’t think normally. i can’t do anything good because all i figure out is i pity myself for the recklessness that i did. i really do things that way anyway, i should’ve been used.

but instead of arguing of these circumstances, why can’t i just take it positively? i know its hard but complaining won’t change anything. so instead of blabbering around lemme thank my friends who listed me to audition in that editorial writing (sounds ironic, but honestly i really do) because win or lose i won’t wake up so early in the morning just to sign in and out, make it a routine for a week. and about the quiz that i didn’t pass in the end? it gave me ideas of how to study effectively with this kind of attitude of mine. i just thank GOD about this, but the next time, i must pass the quizzes because HE already gave me the chance to know myself that could help lift my grades up. HE always bless me with HIS answers in mind-buzzing ways. so to end up everything here since this is the limit of my randomness, i wanna make the things that happened to me positively just like how my friend told me. i might end this blog still with fear for the future yet a bright shines afar in the end of the tunnel. i know with GOD’s will everything will turn fine. Everything has its own purpose of why it did happen to our lives. everything will be just fine. just do your best and apply your experiences from the past for good. I MUST PASS, end.

welcome to me.!

well.. haha.! im glad that im now registered in here.! that's for now.. i have nothin gmuch in head.. but one thing's for sure.. logic is starting to give me merits.! :D