one good girl talk

last night, i had a good time with the best of my HS buddies. well we weren't complete in the group though 'cuz uh, well some already had their classes resumed.

in the group we are originally those type who keep on laughing and talks nothing but funny things. i could still remember how gullible we can be when one of us would crack a joke and everyone will laugh. those times were nothing to compare, really. those times were worth it to cherish because its just once in a lifetime. and because the group is somewhat approachable, we extended in number. the original had a page though and i am somewhat relieved to that-thinking i'm a selfish one. our friendship started when we were still HS yet that was already at our last year. 2 in the group were the most i really had my life into. i was separated to them when we were on our 3rd year because i explored (let's say) a life that's somehow i don't really mind. hihi. well then, seems the Lord really gave them to me that's why no matter how difficult the times were, we stayed still to be the best of friends.

before, it took me a long time to make myself realize that i had friends, i had the best. i wasn't able to notice that they were treating me one already since i was defining friendship in a different manner. and again, i thank God for giving such understandable folks, that even though i lack attention just like a kid at this age, still they were so kind to me. i'm selfish and i do not really do stuffs like beautifying myself like them. others might think i might feel out of place but no; i don't really mind. i mean, i love looking at them being conscious with their selves, well maybe its just me who has this problem of using beauty products. they don't do stereotyping-i mean, i guess we sometimes feel, but we really don't do as much as possible.

i had a great time with them 'cuz it seems like we came back to the time when we were still at HS having this chit chat after lunch in the classroom. the difference this time was just that, we had this stuff at the park around 8-9 pm. wasn't it kind of growing up? HAHA. i mean we weren't talking adult stuffs, we laugh at it when we come to be serious and be back talking about our experiences.

last night, it seemed like i spent most of my time with them being silent. i mean, i feel like listening to their convo rather than intruding in it. its not like i don't belong or as if i do not know what they are talking, well in fact its somehow common to all. maybe i was still tired from the other day's escape in davao. but then, its worth it. i was able to hear perspective from them but i think i wasn't able to do my job during that time. i don't know but something's pulling me away to kind of share my experience God's love to me. i know God was disappointed because i wasn't able to speak and stand Him. i just keep on repeating in the convo: by me, i'll just wait.

today, i was able to compare the difference of having friends whom you rely on according to your need. i can say that i am emotionally poor that's why i need my pals by my side, but then spiritually? i'm far more poorer than those i know whose faith seems to be an unbreakable wall. i wanna have the guts to stand for Him, but i gotta problem with myself. i gotta deal with it. again, i gotta be reminded to kill the flesh and nourish the spirit. i need to be someone reliable. i must not resent over the past from time to time. i need to be someone who have good motives and intentions in the eyes of God. i wanna live a live a life of prayer. i wanna live a life with full of trust in Him. i wanna explore this life with Him. i wanna share HIs love to them, my friends who still doesn't know Him.

I need to seek in order to find Him; i need to just surrender this life without doubt or fear. i need to be fed by His word. i need to be patient. i must have prudence. i need to have wisdom to know what He really wants me to do. In time, in HIS Time.

Porque by maldita

Solo solo na mi cuarto
Hinde ta pwede durmi
Vira vira na cabesa
El dolor yo ya cinti

Porque pa contigo yo ya kere?
Como bula lang tu ya perde

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti
Ta pidi milagro, vira'l tiempo
El mali hace derecho
Na dimio reso ta pidi yo
Era olvida yo contigo

Todo todo yo ya dale
Aura ta aripinti
Sobra sobra el duelencia
Tormento para vivi
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/maldita/porque.html ]
Porque pa contigo yo ya kere?
Como bula lang tu ya perde

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti
Ta pidi milagro, vira'l tiempo
El mali hace derecho
Na dimio reso ta pidi yo
Era olvida yo contigo.

No tu distorba y no atraka,
Kay baka palmadja I'o
Kuntigo, nunka asepta,
Itu ay vira, todolor
Ya sinti...

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti
Ta pidi milagro, vira'l tiempo
El mali hace derecho
Na dimio reso ta pidi yo
Era olvida yo contigo.

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri

Just wanna share this song i heard over the radio. i love the way it was sung, and somehow, the song itself - i felt how sad it was. :)

Failures

well you see, i failed my final grades in my accounting subjects. i don't want to resent over those mind-*(&(*% event but its just that, now, i can't get over it that easily. who could've? that one simple mistake i eventually committed, made my entire life as of now change. i believe its going to be difficult because i chose it myself, i did it myself. i was never thought about getting serious about that matter thinking my parents' sacrifices were of no joke. i'm having self-pity 'ayt now. i'm angry at myself. i really don't understand why can't i be good. i found ways so i can be one but i can't apply it as easy as that. i want blessings that's why i'm trying to do all these good deeds in life. hypocrite? i do think i am. my friend told me that i must examine my intentions when i come to Him. all this time, i thought i was sincere, but it all summed to be something like: i'm doing this not because i want Him, but i want something to Him. I'm worse. I know. Did I seem to someone like an antagonist? i think it suits me. though, serves me right? yea. i want to make myself take the responsibility of what i did. something i like: suffer to death? no, no! HAHA. i don wanna die yet. there's still things i wanna do. i still want to fulfill this little dream inside me, and somehow that is, to be a one real Christian. i was thinking a while ago: maybe, i should transfer somewhere else, where i know no one and no one know me - something like that. but an argument popped up into that speaking mind and told me, "it isn't the end yet. see that it's part of that new beginning you just had started to", beats me! you know, there's a lot of things in life that i do not understand, a part of it are things that i do not want to know, things i wanna discover my own and things that i do not want to understand. yea. I do not want to understand. sound stubborn right? another "i guess i am". to think, i am powerful enough to control my life after all is a great thing isn't it? but the fact that you no longer lives within your life right now and must be abiding with this rules that seems to be like really killing you, something like you're going to be the same with the other, that no unique individuality maybe yielded, is something like: crazy! last year, i encountered Jesus through this retreat. i was taught about the TRUTH and i feel like accepting them that much. (i am quarreling much again right?) knowing that He did all those things i never mind to apprehend, i surrendered myself to Him. it took me pressures to understand that changes is not that as much as possible, it really needs time. i was someone who wished to be perfect but came out to be something uncool. i should've known, i should kept my mouth shut when someone ask me a favor. i was wondering if i became bitter. i was wondering if whether i am deserving to be called a Christian when in fact i am someone who is small of faith. i lie to myself. i deceive myself. i lie to others. i lie to those whom i really love. i really need to think about things right? i do not mean to have fun, but to reflect of all the things i did over the 2nd semester, why i am deserving of that failure. i need to stand up - that was my decision. failures were given for us to be better and grow. i am terrified somehow. i am afraid to face another fall. i keep wishing to die but now, i just can't. i guess i really need to reflect for the time being. i mustn't forget the things HE taught me for the incoming half a year. i am not frustrated about being a failure, but i feel the guilt on the nerves and it really sucks. >.< sigh. i still have summer anyways to, have fun? nah. i must be sad. no, i need not. it's going to be fine, now's not alright, but definitely, it will be given to me. :) Yes, yes. I am going to be worthy.

hello there. its been a long time once again. our final examinations has just ended you know. this weak was stressful - not because i kept on studying, but because i cant keep myself away from the computer. yes, i guess this is a sign of addiction. wew. its been a week of facing the computer from like 9pm to 12 am. HAHA. its unusual for me to have this unlimited-surf over the net and im enjoying it. the consequence? i would surely take a hard time controlling myself - the discipline. where are you? every time i woke up in the morning, i felt how heavy must these eyeballs be. sigh, i pray that the examination results for all would be good. that no one will fail specially that we gonna be 3rd years next sem. oooo well, guess this is life, we need to explore what's deep within it. :)

i'm sick

i pray i'll get well soon. well definitely i should be. there's still a lot of things to mind before laying down at bed and sleep. sigh. :/

and i will miss you cos im happy that i had you at all. haha. i just remembered what i told myself i had my last prom during senior year. it was a week before the real event when i told my best friend that "by the time the flightless bird will start playing and someone would ask me to dance, then that someone i would definitely fall for". i think i declared it that's why i just can't get over this super special friend. haha. yes. i admit that i still have feelings for him but i do not understand why isn't it much intense the way i had before. yet im still thankful that i was able to overcome those painful memories i had with him. to remember all those stuffs just made me sad. you know, sometimes i wanna go back into me back then but i can't - i just can't. i need to be good. i promised Him. compared to everything that i've been through, its His experiences that no one could ever surpass. im happy to know that as i cried and was hurt last year, He was with me all the time yet i didn't give Him any acknowledgment. He was with me when i was so down and wept my tears away. He healed my angry and sad heart. im happy to have Him around me. im happy that He could be anything that i could wish. ^^ MY FIRST LOVE, JESUS. ♥

so shallow and obnoxious

waaai. there's a lot of things to do. i kept on cramming even i have a lot of time in my hands. sigh. im sick of myself you know? its not like im getting emo - don't give me that, 'cuz im not. anyways, as what im saying, im getting tired of myself being so introvert and block-head. im tired of reminding myself to do this and not to do that yet i can't simply follow. i dont understand myself. i cant control it. its really getting hard because once i get slipped off of my way, maybe i wont bear it much and get man (but not totally).