"Fail early, fail often, but always fail forward." (John Maxwell)

Getting better.

Getting there.

When do we say we deserve better?

One beauty queen said in an Banking Ad, "I just woke up one day and realized I deserve better."


So what's next after this question? Do we likely move or should we stay still otherwise?

I don't know myself either, how to measure but I know, I just know, that I really deserve better.

I was raised up in the thought process of equivalent exchange (just lemme use this word, hehe). You work, you get what you want. That's how my life has been. I measure everything that I deserve with how I work. 

I realized this thought like a hundred times in my life. But what do I do?

We can do whatever we want. If I want to move for the better, because that's what I think is best, I can. There's nothing wrong about it actually. You can always get what you want. But there are these times that even if you want to step out where you are, you can't get out of it - and you know that there's something that holds you back. 

Either fear or His word.

Fear is cheap. It drains all of your energy. It robs you what you really have, what you should have for the meantime. You think you should have this and that and all these things that you deserve but you just end up nothing - exhausted mind, body and soul. You can't realize what's for today is enough because you have already set your mind off for tomorrow.

So were getting into the clearer root of this fear, aren't we? Fear for tomorrow. Yes, everyone in this world has a hold of this. From time to time it pops and then we get crazy thinking about it over and over again. And we gain nothing from thinking the most of it when reality slaps us that for now, we can not do anything. Just yet.

His word. Sometimes it ticks me off that His word is making me stay where I am. That moment when you just realize you deserve better but deep in you speaks, "Be contented. Being faithful in small things is a preparation for the better things to come."

It's a challenge for me everyday that I should have this mentality over and over. Everyday, you choose to think this way because you know it is what He wants you to. It contradicts every being of me actually. Every nerve of me erupts. Every tiny universe in me becomes a black hole.

Do I deserve more?
Of course.
God doesn't withhold anything good from His children. And this good has to be in line with His will. And what is His will anyway? Something beautiful, that even ashes could be become star dust.

Do I deserve more?
Yes.
But not now.
He is preparing me.
I know this because He keeps me still.
I know this because it's Him that I am longing for.
I know this because it's written in His love letter.

Do I deserve more?
After all He has done for me, No.
I don't deserve all that I have now.
My life. My entire existence.
But because He gave it all.
His grace extended up to the limits.

I have always asked about Your love.
I didn't understand it.
That's why I don't want it.
I remember how it hurts every time I am reminded of it.
It hurts so much, no, it overwhelms me so much.
How could you love me? What part in me do you love?
As much as I don't want to think about it, it comes rushing so fresh in me.

When my discipler told me about this certain line in the lastest movie in the hobbit, which is familiar with everyone,

 
Tauriel: "If this is love, why does it hurts so much?"
Thranduil: "Because it was real..."

How could it be love when it hurts so much? How can that be real?
You wouldn't know if you never loved like Him. If I think about it, maybe He's the only one who felt it that way. 

That genuine love that hurts when He saw His beloved died.

So instead of seeing us dying everyday of our lives, Jesus came and said "Let me take their place." And so the Father gave His only begotten Son die for us to live.

Now tell me, do you deserve what you say you deserve?



 
 

Nangangamoy Toga na, Nangangamoy Aral ka na ba?

It's times like these when I feel paranoid what's going to happen tomorrow. Anyways, I've been living todays like asking tomorrow to be good to me. I'm really afraid, to be honest. I mean, I've been living my life, this life, because of my parents support. And just a while ago, while I was counting days in my head, I asked myself: What if my life tomorrows won't be as great as it would be? I'm afraid. Like for real. To step in outside my comfort zone, and see the world itself. Of course, My dreams are just waiting in wings you know and I understand that there's a plenty of waiting to happen. And it won't come to pass without receiving my diploma right? Sigh. Life's really hard. Guess I really need to work my ass off, I wonder how I could meet that desire one day. Hehe. Anyways, I've been thinking too much about the future lately. Late nights, random thoughts about the future is ranting in my head. Even in the morning, I can't stop daydreaming about it. I know, I know, there's nothing wrong about it right? But what if those thoughts make you weary; draining all your energy, worry has its own way of torturing me. It's a bad habit of mine. I thought I've already thrown it away, but look who's knocking and making me all hypothetical about the future. Such a futuristic person eh? Haha. Anyways, I know that these are just lies from the enemy 'ya know? Sometimes, I find myself smiling at the thought: God really has great plans for me, why so? Because the enemy won't work this hard, beating out the most of me, if he don't see God working me on a threshold. Quite the idea, baby! Haha. That's something I really look forward. I'll be patient. I'll work best. I'll make everything a reason to thank Him day by day. I'll always pave a way in making my prayer life get stronger than ever. I wanna hear Him frequently. It's the safest in His leading after all, don't you agree?