Don't give up

I am envious of those people who are not just firm with what they have decided for their lives, and made their dreams into reality.

Last night, I was reading a blog from an author I admire. He's young. He's witty. He's got talent. He was able to achieve his goal around the age of 23 and I'm like,



How?



The author said "Be SMART in achieving your goals."
My sister answered "Ah, maybe because he's rich and all."
My mentor told me "Because he worked out his time frame."


And I'm like, "God, why should I consider a lot of things when all I have to do is to decide what I want to do?"


And tonight, my soul cries out. My admiration for this person made me realize about something I tried to hide for some time. I know it's not yet time because I still have things to learn, I still have things that I am most concerned about, because I still have things to be patient. I know I still have to know what really is my passion that I could be able to inspire others.

I want to speak in front of the youths and testify how great God as my dream has come into reality.

I want to cry because I know it's something I want to do but I also understand that it's not yet the right. It's painful you know? It's so, so heartbreaking. You realize everyday that you are in the process but can't somehow see how could it all add up when it's all at your expense. Everyday you choose, that is, you force yourself to be happy despite all, to be faithful 'til the end, to keep holding on - because you know that He's the only thing You've got.

Ever since the day I realize that I have to let go of this dream in order to move on, I refocused myself on what is at hand. And I am thankful because I was able to see the things, to appreciate what He has offered me. And now that this dream has been open again, I wonder if there is a book that could explain to me how to handle this. I wonder if there is someone out there that could understand how I feel and tell me if I have a chance for this dream or not.

For some reasons, there are answers in my heart that makes me say "I give it all to You. I trust that You know what's best for me." You see, even if I want my conditions here, I can't say it. It's as if, all I want in my life is to internalize that "His plans are better than mine. He's to give prosperity, hope and future. He is the answer to all of this."

This frustration of mine comes from "the things I regret I didn't do" and the "what if's". Yes, these are all worldly pursuits to my dream of becoming. Sigh. Being impatient, eh? Yeppp. Because it's not according to what I actually pictured in my mind. I have reasons why I didn't have to pursue it and I wonder if it's legit. They I am living in an idealistic world but what is the difference of living what you believe in the reality they are seeing?

If...


I wonder if I'll have my time, too. God, you said I will have my portion didn't you? I will wait for it. And see to it that if that time comes, I'll make the most of every bit.

I entrust my life to You.

Kudos Yanagi! You are definitely the one! HAHAHA.

The Lion King

Rafiki: Look down there.
[Slowly Simba walks to the edge of the watering hole and peers inside. His reflection stares back at him]
Adult Simba: That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
Rafiki: No. Look harder.
[Rafiki touches the water which causes waves that change Simba's reflection into Mufasa]
Rafiki: You see? He lives in you.
Mufasa's Ghost: [From above] Simba.
Adult Simba: Father?
Mufasa's Ghost: [He appears in the sky as a group of stars] Simba, you have forgotten me.
Adult Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa's Ghost: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of life.
Adult Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa's Ghost: [Now fully formed in the sky] Remember who you are. You are my son and the one true king. Remember who you are.
Adult Simba: [Mufasa's ghost begins to disappear] No! Please! Don't leave me!
Mufasa's Ghost: Remember.
Adult Simba: Father!
Mufasa's Ghost: Remember.
Adult Simba: Don't leave me.
Mufasa's Ghost: Remember. 

And so, the movie goes on. Bonjour my friend! It's been so long again. Haha. Well I got kind of busy not because of work but because of stress going on in me. Psychological - so basically, spiritual and emotional dilemma. Anyways, I need to move on - I MUST. I can't imagine myself slumping for more days. I really can't. It would definitely be annoying and... annoying. HAHA. I've been encouraging myself for couple of weeks now since the day I resigned from my previous job. Well it's not like it really matters (like yeah, there's just a lot of it and I'm making it harder and complicated) but I wanted to think my actions over. I'm not afraid to have land no job because I know it's not His promise. I don't know, but I'm just confident with this fact. I'm not actually awesome of some kind of great to be attracting jobs but I believe that He wants something beautiful for my life. Going back to the topic. Yes, I had been battling emotional stress because I know no one would really understand what I went through in my previous job. I mean, it's not like it's one kind of a hell, but I think I'm not really that strong enough. A lot of party (well you know what I mean) were organized in my brain it wasn't just every weekend! I would like to entertain it once in a while but it was like my day won't end unless those thoughts won't torture me. It wasn't like I'm really harassed, but for my first job experience? "It seems like a joke," quoted from my aunt.

Actually, I'm queuing right now because I want answers of why those things must happen. I am waiting for His answers that might comfort me but all I could think is, it was MY DECISION. Whether He wants me to stay and press on, it was MY DECISION to leave. I couldn't stand it anymore. Because I have forgotten. And ran away. There's no other reason am I right? But one thing: Romans 8:28. No matter what my decisions be, I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not yet but, I would not like to regret it. Yes. It's a start of making my own decisions whether be it in good times or bad ones. Of course, I didn't do it impulsively. I had my own process to assess. Really, this blogging helps a lot. It makes me realize this right away (sometimes, sometimes not).

LIVE THE MOMENT.
DO WHAT YOU MUST DO - NO REGRETS.
When you live this kind of principle, you get to stand yourself on the mound and pitch. Whether you get a strike or not, it depends when it already reach the batter's plate. Right or wrong decisions has their time.

You know I want to rant my lungs out but it would not be healthy. I don't want to remember things like that again and again. I want to stop it. Because I am moving on. 
Because I must take my place in the circle of life. 
Because I am more than what I have become. 
Because I am His daughter and a true queen.

I am not a victim so I should not act like it or even think like it. 
I am noble. 
I am great. 
I am lovely. 
I am saved.

His Holy One made me. 
Thy eminence is making me.

Summer kicks, Golden streaks

Late post. Late update.

Heyaaa. I've become one of the world's unemployed citizen since March 22, 2014. How does it feel? Mmmm. Honestly, I felt fine. I mean, I felt it was just another celebration to wear make up and dress up and walk with chin up. I don't know. It was rather dramatic after the event tho. I had a fight with my parents right after grad, so who wouldn't be a wreck on a supposed great day? Heck with their annoying presence that time. During the graduation, my toes were aching because my shoes-size were short for a .5, to bad for me right? I didn't have much pictures with friends because I only have few, and I was already having a bad mood after knowing that our course was removed in the University. Really. It's discriminating and disappointing. Anyways, too much reminiscing those nerve wrecking times. So yeah, I got home after some plastic smile. And because I was at war, I just locked myself the entire night at my room. I didn't have someone to speak because I was really irritated.

The next morning, I was awaken by the usual ritual. Nanay's usual voice clock. They're busy preparing for the double celebration that day. My grad and the house blessing. And because I was not in the mood, I didn't want to see them. Such a rebel? Nah, just pure stubborn. I didn't invite any friends, nor those I planned to come since I felt everything came from a shot-gun decision. Well, it's not like that really. They told me about it earlier yet continually fight over the expenses. See? Who would've want to have a celebration if you see that root coming out from the soil wildly. Really, it pisses me off. I wanna tell them: GIVE ME A BREAK. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. But of course, I can't do that. My tongue's quite the goody-shoes here and like I would like to starve myself with desserts!

Then came this month. April. This Sunday, I'll be taking the CS PROF EXAM so hopefully I'd be able to get through it. And by the next weekends, I'll be having reviews for my licensing exam. I want to pass it like CRAZY. I want this to be part of my self-worth. Yes, because I want to tell the world that I AM NOT JUST YOUR ORDINARY GIRL. I can't be that. Because I am not that, darling. I'll take it seriously. Specially after hearing my aunt's opinion about my unheard field, such a failure. I want to backfire, but something in my mind tells me: IT'S NOT THAT, YOU ARE MORE THAN THAT.

Like do I have any other choice but to look forward and press on to that? I mean, I can not look down to myself any longer, right? Ordinary? Please. I am selfish. And I do not like it crowding in. I will stand out, you'll see. This? Is just a stepping stone into the becoming me of the future. Yes. I'll make my way. We'll make our way to the top, they'll see. I can't settle for less right now, because I'm still at dawn of a brand new journey.

P.S. Hoping for the best, always

Nangangamoy Toga na, Nangangamoy Aral ka na ba?

It's times like these when I feel paranoid what's going to happen tomorrow. Anyways, I've been living todays like asking tomorrow to be good to me. I'm really afraid, to be honest. I mean, I've been living my life, this life, because of my parents support. And just a while ago, while I was counting days in my head, I asked myself: What if my life tomorrows won't be as great as it would be? I'm afraid. Like for real. To step in outside my comfort zone, and see the world itself. Of course, My dreams are just waiting in wings you know and I understand that there's a plenty of waiting to happen. And it won't come to pass without receiving my diploma right? Sigh. Life's really hard. Guess I really need to work my ass off, I wonder how I could meet that desire one day. Hehe. Anyways, I've been thinking too much about the future lately. Late nights, random thoughts about the future is ranting in my head. Even in the morning, I can't stop daydreaming about it. I know, I know, there's nothing wrong about it right? But what if those thoughts make you weary; draining all your energy, worry has its own way of torturing me. It's a bad habit of mine. I thought I've already thrown it away, but look who's knocking and making me all hypothetical about the future. Such a futuristic person eh? Haha. Anyways, I know that these are just lies from the enemy 'ya know? Sometimes, I find myself smiling at the thought: God really has great plans for me, why so? Because the enemy won't work this hard, beating out the most of me, if he don't see God working me on a threshold. Quite the idea, baby! Haha. That's something I really look forward. I'll be patient. I'll work best. I'll make everything a reason to thank Him day by day. I'll always pave a way in making my prayer life get stronger than ever. I wanna hear Him frequently. It's the safest in His leading after all, don't you agree?

You know why what we think doesn't come into reality?

I realized it just sometime now while having the dishes. Funny how I am thinking about it right? Well I can't just get over with my devotion this morning. It's found in the last verse of Galatians 3.

So yeah. Have you ever experience of daydreaming of something to become reality? Or fun imagining exciting things because of the drive that you have racing through your veins? And to find out that you have just miss it big time! Like after sometime, you told yourself, "This/That ain't gonna happen anymore" because something about reality ticks off that dream of yours. Then it slips down and viola! Vanishes in thin air.

Hahaha. I know how you feel. I've been there for quite a times and I was really wondering why it keeps on happening. I imagine great things like you guys, I can't just settle for less... I really feel you. Haha. But you know what these experience taught me? It made me realize that God really has great things stored for me, for you. It may not be in the spot where adrenalin comes gushing out of us, but when everything is prepared for us.

You see, I have this dream to. Day by day, I always have a thought about it. And sometimes, I just get excited and forget all the rest! But what's really great about this is that, it doesn't fade away. I kept it dear in my heart yet my hands were open to let God have it. I can stress it out if I want to but the point is you know the future isn't something you can predict specially if you want it good, better best.

So yes, it was hard to let go. But I chose to let it go; if it's for me, then it will be - that is how dreams work in my life. Of course, given there is the effort that you put, the passion and heart, and the opportunities that you allow. So say, what's better: Facing today with the dreams in your heart or Working off your ass 'til you meet it - who knows what the future brings? Effortless or Effort-much?

So yeah. I did a story telling there. But what I am pointing out here is that, DREAM and offer it to God. Because when He becomes the center of it all, it just falls into place. He wants us ready. No one wants to be plunge in the water without prior notice! Haha. Anyways, God is faithful. We are HEIRS OF PROMISES. He who said it is faithful. No doesn't necessarily have to be NOT FOR YOU, rather BETTER THINGS (compared to that) suit you.

COAlove

I never gave a thing about Valentines day... no, not until this year.

'tis my last year as a college student and I as much as I'd like, I wanna spend it like no regrets, please - doing some silly things, you know. But I'm not that silly girl you have particularly in mind - full of liberation? Oh no, I can't. Don't ask why it's an I can't.

University Week has ended just a few hours ago. I spent the whole time accompanying and assisting our President since it's the peak of deliberating everything we're doing to the college chairpersons and the heavenly bodies as we call it.

Well, I couldn't tell it was all success. Sure we had flaws that somewhat disturbed our motto: RELAX. It was during the HIYAS pageant, we committed a wrong move which turned everything inside-out. It was later resolved after waiving it to the Student Council President and the College Chairpersons.

Over all? I wanted more. A feeling that I wanted more pressure, I want to atone (to redeem) what was wrongly done. Because indeed, it was a heartfelt learning I brought from that short-time experience. The people that I met, were truly amazing, I can see their leadership and humbleness, their kindness and joy in working with eachother.

Spending time with bunch of new faces didn't become a factor for us not to unite. And this is how I spent my first ever acknowledge valentine's day. And most importantly, this special day also tells us to thank God for allowing us to have a steadfast heart through out the years.

So here's something I cuddled over for the week. I actually don't have pictures from being a part of COA because I have this feeling that I won't stand having a separation anxiety for a week or so specially that my remaining days as a college buddy are already countable. So enjoy~

when making decisions, it's not absolutely right as we expect it to be. it's consequential. there would always be something that would get compromised. but no matter what, it's the guts, the fine resolve that will lead us into the decision we won't regret. all hopes are always for the best. don't keep on waiting before it's too late.