"A good test of relationship is how a person responds to the word "no". Love respects "no", control does not."

"Boundaries are basically about providing structure & structure is essential in building anything that thrives."

"Submission is not a sign of weakness, but it's a sign of humility and total dependence to God."

Fool me once, shame on you.

Kapuya balik balik, Lord oooy. 😭😭😭

One year

One year ago, he laid down his intension to pursue me.

The other year ago, I was still healing from a betrayal issue.

The other years, I was breaking from a triggered trauma.

A few years ago, I started to get to know him.

I really wonder how I ended up with him. I could've closed the door for him and walk away from him. But here I am, loving every part of him. The painful and happy days that I am with him, adds color to my world. I don't know why I'm sentimental today, but I just realized how thankful I am to the Lord that Earl has changed his heart to make things right. As I look back, the painful nights that I always run to the Lord for all the rejection that he made me feel and for the days that I was left hanging, confused of what he is doing. As I realized that the more I was building fortified walls not to get hurt and be right, the Lord kept me and held me in all those times.

Looking back, I can't help but just thank the Lord for all He's done for me. If I think about myself, I want everything right, so badly because I think how even in my own way I can honor God. But with all that had happened, my reputation is nothing. Maybe I'm too obsessed doing things right because that's my insecurity, I can't do everything right. I always need God's grace. Not just to redeem me so I can forgive and accept myself but also to empower me to continue and be better.

Now, this year, I am already half a year with Earl.

This year, I am living freely who I am.

This year, I am discovering and learning life.

This year is the year of the Lord's favor.

Real relationship is hard. Real love is hard.

"Even when you are (difficult), I'm gonna stay by your side... And when you can't hope, I will hope for you."

A short about this vlog:

I remember a statement from a leader's conference where it was mentioned that, this is also a devil's work... abortion, divorce, mental health issues... all aims to destroy what God has anointed - you, marriage, families, the future generations.

On our issues, weakness, insecurities, difficulties... Speaking about it liberates. Speaking about it helps in your processing. Speaking about it heals. Speaking about it will help others see light.

As much as you always try to live rightly, you will still be a burden and be difficult. Worse, you will hurt others... and be hurt.

Disclaimer, I'm not married and I have no the same experiences with Ms. Carla. But I had my fair share of mental breakdowns. I am prone to anxiety. Depression also manifested in my health. I was denying that I was not mentally healthy. I was not diagnosed clinically, I tried, to be honest. But thankfully, I have not reached that point. I did not also went through counseling, because I thought it was too personal and I was always business with myself. During that season, I was in total indenial of what I was going through. Being alone in my own misery was a punishment I brought to myself. And that was something I don't wish for anybody.

I was thankful for everyone who never judged me as I was going through that internal turmoil. It might've been good at covering up or pretending, but God never turned a blind eye on it. As I was all "Lord, I don't wanna be sinful... Lord, I don't want to hurt anybody... Lord, I'm strong in you... Lord, You are enough..." - trying to keep the relationship as if it was going to be break if I get bad or weak. The Lord just made me feel that "No matter what, I will stay." Indeed, He is what the world is not.

Remembering this momentous moments, makes me see God bigger. As I have seen Him big, that makes me fearful. I also see Him get bigger and bigger in His love, compassion, kindness, mercy and grace for me and to others. 

I think it's enough. Na bisan di ka acknowledge for sowing or watering, after all the growth comes from God. hehe. basta kay they answered prayers, their becoming is a a gift from God... Indeed, they are treasure worth to tell the world. ✨✨✨

Seasons may change, but the mission remains.

Lord, my life is yours, be glorified - overtake and permeate. May You be greater than I. May You be seen, not I. My life is Yours, not mine. And I trust You and Your heart. For You are my good Creator, my gracious, loving and kind Father and my faithful best Friend.

Your love kissed my fears and insecurities away, thank you.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

They may not hear Me in your words, but they will see Me in your life.

always a step closer to goodbyes.

'til the emotions die down...

And everyday I choose you. 

Love grows when it is founded in trust.

Doing nothing often leads to the very best of something.

A faith not tested is a faith not trusted.

Spiritual Apathy

So yea, I would like to talk about it shortly. I found some useful resources in the internet regarding the issue: Apathy. 

Spiritual Apathy.

When we are getting overloaded with certain things that used to be our delight, it makes us hurry and hustle (embedded links are provided for the words to make us better understand why we have to end ruthlessly hurry and hustle). These two words are subtle in their crafts in destroying our intimacy the Lord. And basically, this is what the enemy wants, for us to enjoy being busy. To the point of forgetting what really matters... forgetting the heart behind the things that we do... getting cold and withdrawn from everything that used to flame us in the Lord.

I remember, a non-verbatim from the book of CS Lewis, Screwtape Letters, wherein one demon reported to his master demon the status of certain churches. Then there's this one church where he found to be pretty busy, then the master demon just said to leave them be because it's gonna be thie

So here are some symptoms of getting into spiritual apathy:

1) Decline in attendance—When there is a slacking of attendance, there is also a slacking in hunger for the preached Word of God. Obviously, there are times of the year when vacation or other factors play a part. But when a decline becomes the trend rather than an exception, there is cause for spiritual concern on the part of a shepherd. 

2) Lack of concern for souls—When soulwinning and outreach times are attended by fewer and fewer people, there is a spiritual disconnect between what we say we believe (that the Great Commission is our great priority) and how we behave (that soulwinning isn’t a priority).

3) Lack of participation in congregational singing—The Bible commands us to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. When Christians come to church with a heart of praise, the opportunity to sing is welcome. When they come distracted and bored, their singing reflects it. 

4) Indifference to the needs of others—Growing Christians are caring Christians. Scripture commands us to bear one another’s burdens. When we don’t care enough to know what the people around us are going through, we’re slipping into self-focused apathy for sure.

5) No pastoral encouragement—The Bible commands us to know those who labor among us and to remember them for their work’s sake. Just as a maturing teenager or an adult will notice and be grateful for the care and sacrifices of their parent, so growing Christians will give thanks for spiritual shepherds who serve them.

6) Declining concern for missions—When a church becomes inward focused, they are no longer concerned for the fields white unto harvest. They lose their sense of eternal realties and of spiritual responsibility to reach the world with the gospel.

7) Failure to invest in the next generation—When a church fails to see young men and women as their future and fails to invest in their development, apathy is setting in. Frankly, the church may not continue in the next generation.

(ref. https://paulchappell.com/2015/08/17/7-early-symptoms-of-spiritual-apathy/)

And since we are already discovering how the enemy is at work in us, let us now go in the offensive side. When these things are already on the roll, breathe and remember that

1. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FIX IT

If we are going to be God’s comfort agents—being present with others in their pain—we need to come to terms with the mysteries that God chooses not to resolve. Are we willing to stand in faith, engaged in the brokenness that is shredding the world, and proclaim that God is still God, even when life doesn’t change and hurts refuse to heal? Being an ambassador for Christ in the middle of brokenness takes a willingness to sit in the mystery for the long haul with someone whose hurts keep on hurting. It is a willingness to feel the full weight of what can’t be explained away. We are not called to heal or fix and make everything good as new. Only God can do that.

2. YOU DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT

When people are in pain, it’s tempting to give a little morsel of wisdom and a pep talk and send the suffering on their way. One of the worst platitudes is the notion that “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” In essence, we are telling people a) their pain isn’t so bad and b) God hands out trouble based on our ability to handle it. We cannot adequately explain the mysteries of suffering with platitudes. Attempting to do so diminishes the very real anguish and calls God’s goodness into question.

3. YOU JUST HAVE TO BE PRESENT

Right where you are, your life intersects with countless people who need someone to come close in the hour of suffering. It could be a lonely neighbor, a homeless man, an angry teen, a stressed-out mom, a doubting saint, a searching soul. People in your midst need someone to be brave enough to sit with them in their sorrow, to share the load by choosing to feel and choosing to trust God’s promises. We cannot stop the suffering in the world, but we can make sure no one suffers alone. God invites us to be his comfort agents, to manifest his presence so people know our God sees us (Genesis 16:13) and is with us (Matthew 1:23) in our suffering.

(ref. https://relevantmagazine.com/god/faith/3-ways-to-break-spiritual-apathy-your-life/)

Now, when things are in the rough. Like it seems so hard to go back. Or like, you are doing what you're supposed to do to be like so dragging and you just don't understand it... REST. REMEMBER that these are just days where our souls are really affected the emotions that overwhelms us because of so much work. So when this happens, continue to REMAIN IN HIS LOVE. ABIDE. God's love is constant. It never diminishes over good or bad days. God is constant. God is faithful. And you are His child. His beloved.

"There is no better cure to spiritual apathy than to make Him the highest priority of our day." - Leslie Ludy

two years ago from today, you gave me the same hurtful look.