Before November Ends

There's something I want to say but it feels like the time's not right. There are certain things that I want to do but I don't know how.

Everything's not enough today. My words. My thoughts. My actions. I'm sobering too much and it's making my life obese... dying.

If there's something I want to get busy, it's what I'd love to do. Doing it like it would remind me that this ain't be happening without Him.

God, will that time come?

I'm stuck in the moment. Truth be told I am dissatisfied. I want to be with people who have dreams, goals to move further in greater heights, to be with people who has mind like me, to be with a group that would make me not just want more but do more.

Tch. I'm in the office and I want to cry. 

I'm raw O God. I know You are having a heart surgery to me right now. Because despite all these things, I am still wanting Your ways, I still live in Your word, and I choose to wait.

Fear that maybe there's nothing for me out there really. Frustrated why can't I just live the life I want. Am I that really ungrateful? Do I really have to go through a lot? 

My heart cries.

But when I think of Your majesty - how You created everything without waste. You have tamed me.

O God, You satisfy me. You are everything that I need. It is Your love that I want. It is Your word that I thirst. It is Your heart that I seek. It is in Your Kingdom that I want to be. You have chosen me as I am, and I am grateful to respond when You have called me. 

I don't know if it's for me. I hurt. But You know what's best for me 'ayt? God I entrust You my life. I know Your ways are good and righteous. I know You think higher and deeper. I just give it all to You.

I know I will have to go a lot, I have to learn a lot, I have to do a lot. You hold me life. Make haste and hold if if I get weary doing, seeing and speaking goodness and righteousness. Fulfill Your word that to those You have called, after all the little suffering, you will make us strong, firm and steadfast.

To the future me, wait for me.

 

Don't give up

I am envious of those people who are not just firm with what they have decided for their lives, and made their dreams into reality.

Last night, I was reading a blog from an author I admire. He's young. He's witty. He's got talent. He was able to achieve his goal around the age of 23 and I'm like,



How?



The author said "Be SMART in achieving your goals."
My sister answered "Ah, maybe because he's rich and all."
My mentor told me "Because he worked out his time frame."


And I'm like, "God, why should I consider a lot of things when all I have to do is to decide what I want to do?"


And tonight, my soul cries out. My admiration for this person made me realize about something I tried to hide for some time. I know it's not yet time because I still have things to learn, I still have things that I am most concerned about, because I still have things to be patient. I know I still have to know what really is my passion that I could be able to inspire others.

I want to speak in front of the youths and testify how great God as my dream has come into reality.

I want to cry because I know it's something I want to do but I also understand that it's not yet the right. It's painful you know? It's so, so heartbreaking. You realize everyday that you are in the process but can't somehow see how could it all add up when it's all at your expense. Everyday you choose, that is, you force yourself to be happy despite all, to be faithful 'til the end, to keep holding on - because you know that He's the only thing You've got.

Ever since the day I realize that I have to let go of this dream in order to move on, I refocused myself on what is at hand. And I am thankful because I was able to see the things, to appreciate what He has offered me. And now that this dream has been open again, I wonder if there is a book that could explain to me how to handle this. I wonder if there is someone out there that could understand how I feel and tell me if I have a chance for this dream or not.

For some reasons, there are answers in my heart that makes me say "I give it all to You. I trust that You know what's best for me." You see, even if I want my conditions here, I can't say it. It's as if, all I want in my life is to internalize that "His plans are better than mine. He's to give prosperity, hope and future. He is the answer to all of this."

This frustration of mine comes from "the things I regret I didn't do" and the "what if's". Yes, these are all worldly pursuits to my dream of becoming. Sigh. Being impatient, eh? Yeppp. Because it's not according to what I actually pictured in my mind. I have reasons why I didn't have to pursue it and I wonder if it's legit. They I am living in an idealistic world but what is the difference of living what you believe in the reality they are seeing?

If...


I wonder if I'll have my time, too. God, you said I will have my portion didn't you? I will wait for it. And see to it that if that time comes, I'll make the most of every bit.

I entrust my life to You.

Believe me, I'm not a good girl. I just want to do the right thing. :)

Everyday seems a countdown when there's something that I want. Time slips fast yet sometimes fakes itself as tomorrow.

Diamond no ace is definitely awesooome~ Coach, don't you leave my babies.

This is a kill! Miyuki can't be injuuuuured. Nooo~ Hahaha. This is funny. Though the english translations stopped around chapter 237, everything was on fire. Then here comes chapter 367, and feels like THEY HAVE BECOME BETTER, whoaaa, a glimpse of futuuuuure. With almost a hundred chapters lapse, I wonder what dramas and struggles have they overcoooome. Diamond no ace is really fantastic; baseball is definitely loooove! And don't forget, Miyuki is ♥ HAHAHAHA.

Kudos Yanagi! You are definitely the one! HAHAHA.

The Lion King

Rafiki: Look down there.
[Slowly Simba walks to the edge of the watering hole and peers inside. His reflection stares back at him]
Adult Simba: That's not my father. That's just my reflection.
Rafiki: No. Look harder.
[Rafiki touches the water which causes waves that change Simba's reflection into Mufasa]
Rafiki: You see? He lives in you.
Mufasa's Ghost: [From above] Simba.
Adult Simba: Father?
Mufasa's Ghost: [He appears in the sky as a group of stars] Simba, you have forgotten me.
Adult Simba: No. How could I?
Mufasa's Ghost: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of life.
Adult Simba: How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be.
Mufasa's Ghost: [Now fully formed in the sky] Remember who you are. You are my son and the one true king. Remember who you are.
Adult Simba: [Mufasa's ghost begins to disappear] No! Please! Don't leave me!
Mufasa's Ghost: Remember.
Adult Simba: Father!
Mufasa's Ghost: Remember.
Adult Simba: Don't leave me.
Mufasa's Ghost: Remember. 

And so, the movie goes on. Bonjour my friend! It's been so long again. Haha. Well I got kind of busy not because of work but because of stress going on in me. Psychological - so basically, spiritual and emotional dilemma. Anyways, I need to move on - I MUST. I can't imagine myself slumping for more days. I really can't. It would definitely be annoying and... annoying. HAHA. I've been encouraging myself for couple of weeks now since the day I resigned from my previous job. Well it's not like it really matters (like yeah, there's just a lot of it and I'm making it harder and complicated) but I wanted to think my actions over. I'm not afraid to have land no job because I know it's not His promise. I don't know, but I'm just confident with this fact. I'm not actually awesome of some kind of great to be attracting jobs but I believe that He wants something beautiful for my life. Going back to the topic. Yes, I had been battling emotional stress because I know no one would really understand what I went through in my previous job. I mean, it's not like it's one kind of a hell, but I think I'm not really that strong enough. A lot of party (well you know what I mean) were organized in my brain it wasn't just every weekend! I would like to entertain it once in a while but it was like my day won't end unless those thoughts won't torture me. It wasn't like I'm really harassed, but for my first job experience? "It seems like a joke," quoted from my aunt.

Actually, I'm queuing right now because I want answers of why those things must happen. I am waiting for His answers that might comfort me but all I could think is, it was MY DECISION. Whether He wants me to stay and press on, it was MY DECISION to leave. I couldn't stand it anymore. Because I have forgotten. And ran away. There's no other reason am I right? But one thing: Romans 8:28. No matter what my decisions be, I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not yet but, I would not like to regret it. Yes. It's a start of making my own decisions whether be it in good times or bad ones. Of course, I didn't do it impulsively. I had my own process to assess. Really, this blogging helps a lot. It makes me realize this right away (sometimes, sometimes not).

LIVE THE MOMENT.
DO WHAT YOU MUST DO - NO REGRETS.
When you live this kind of principle, you get to stand yourself on the mound and pitch. Whether you get a strike or not, it depends when it already reach the batter's plate. Right or wrong decisions has their time.

You know I want to rant my lungs out but it would not be healthy. I don't want to remember things like that again and again. I want to stop it. Because I am moving on. 
Because I must take my place in the circle of life. 
Because I am more than what I have become. 
Because I am His daughter and a true queen.

I am not a victim so I should not act like it or even think like it. 
I am noble. 
I am great. 
I am lovely. 
I am saved.

His Holy One made me. 
Thy eminence is making me.