Frail Humanity

Life. What can I say. There's so much to say about it.

Beautiful.

Cruel.

Broken.

Wonder.

Of course it depends on how one sees it.

But now, I mourn for a sister.
A sister in Christ I will always remember for her wit.

Ate Jenny's death was so sudden. I couldn't believe it. Her illness was new to me but I didn't think it could go as far as this. Taking her away from her family.

She was just celebrating life with her newborn. I believe she was looking forward to be a mom - to be a wonderful mother. 

I don't know what went wrong but I guess it's just really her time to go home. I mean, I know she was really taken care of, just because. She is lovable. When I see her, she's always radiant. Happy just like her older sister.

Now I wonder, did she left fulfilling her purpose?
What went wrong?

Death always reminds me how my life has been. Thoughts like, 'If someone died in my family, will they concern themselves the way I do?" Something selfish even at someone's death eh? But seriously, from one time to another, situations like this makes me evaluate how's my life. I don't know if it helps me clear my mind of what do I really want to do or what shall be my legacy. But sure one passes and you move to something uncertain - once again.

Death is the same as life as we know it, that's somehow what I believe. You live. Then die. When someone dies, somewhere in the world lives. No one really knows how long could our breathes could actually take hold and make the most of it. Our growth, in time, makes us count about it. Our stops and beginnings, make or break records, wants us either to slow or fasten along the journey.

Life is simple. You find your purpose: You're done.

And my Nanay underwent the same danger.
For 9 months she took care of herself, thrice.
Every minute her life was away, thrice.
Since then she gave herself, thrice.


 

The world as it is. Now.

I'd like to belong to the few.
To the few who loves.
To the few who trusts.
To the few who believes in forever.

I'd like to be with the few.
The few who runs the mountains.
The few who swims the seas.
The few who breathes the air of the earth.

Brokenness.
Broken promises.
Broken relationships.
Broken dreams.
People becomes shattered inside. And becomes bitter in the inside.
Disappointments well up and  breeds bitterness.
Negativity. Passivity.  Hopelessness.

The world has become a place to people to become selfish and 'get what they think they deserve' and be rotten and scream in angst "I'm tired!" They did all they could to just go as far as possible. Yet they stay in the same place. They never move. 

Or so it seems.

I remember Paper Towns' Margo quote,  

"When I've thought about him dying - which admittedly isn't that much - I always thought of it like you said, that all strings inside him broke. But there are a thousand ways to look at it: maybe the strings break, or maybe our ships think, or maybe we're grass - our roots are so interdependent that no one is dead as long as someone is still alive. We don't suffer from a shortage of metaphors, is what I mean. But you have to be careful which metaphor you choose, because it matters. If you choose the strings, then you're imagining a world in which you can become irreparably broken. If you choose grass, you're saying that we are all infinitely interconnected, that we can use these root systems not only to understand one another but to become one another. The metaphors have implications..."

and so on.

I really like the thought of it's how you metaphor your life; then you name the cycle after your own story. Well, how does you see life anyway? What is life in the first place.

Anyways, this mind is probably stirred by John Green's Paper Town. I really like how deep and sometimes how mysterious are his works. You see, he loves literary (of course) bringing it into a passionate gray level and leaves sighing. Always.

My point here is that I'm so disturbed of how much broken the world - accepting the love they think they deserve - because of so much longing thinking it's the only way it could complete them. But how about thinking that their life is life. In the literal sense, life is not broken or anythin. Life is living. Life is a fresh course everyday, not broken, not withered, not failing. Life.

I wouldn't hurt so much if people try to live that way. I even wonder where did this hurt came from. Isn't some kind of pride, selfishness, or anything in between that says "It should be." I don't know, really. I could not say that this is in behalf of those that are like me, because I don't know if there who thinks like me. 

People exerts so much for love. Just to gain love. Just to know love.

Love is right where you fell. We don't recognize it because it's not how we see "our" kind of love. Unless we ourselves know what it is, we can never go deeper the depths. I love to think that there are always depths in everything. And nothing can go far if even comprehending the simplest you can't.

Soiree Noir Love

Hello there long time amour!
We met again.
But you see,
It's never the same.

I wish there was spark.
I wish there were chill.
I wish I am still in love.
With you.

I wish you noticed.
I wish you knew.
I wish we were friends.
So I'd want more.

But I'm just a pretty face.
I talk nonsense.
I wish I am still in love.
With you.

Your hand was light
You tamed me on my right
Then I knew who we were
Strangers in both of our eyes


Twice you did it
Twice I pushed my feelings
Not away
Yet now, towards you

I wished I am still in love
It could've been good
Healthier
If it's you.

Believe by Faith

God is faithful. Even if we're not.

We are bound to what's destined for us.

Only God knows what is it - what are those, but for sure, there's a lot of things God wants to accomplish in our lives. It's not only you who wants to go through a lot of beautiful experiences in this life. God wants it more than we desire for our lives.

One question that has brought me into realization to pursue is this:

IF YOU WON'T FAIL, WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Well for this conversation, this question applies to the encouragement "TRUST GOD".

In my current situation, I have just realized that I am surrounded by people who merely has a relationship with God. All my life, ever since I was a born again, I have been with people who only believes in Him, everyone was so passionate in pursuing God. Later did I know that I wasn't able to prepare for the next stage of life that will challenge all that I have stored up as a believer.

Being aware of what's right in the eyes of God, learning what others think about people who doesn't practice what they preach, and figuring out things if you're ready in the timeline of life or not. Things like these pressures me, quite often I become anxious because what people say strangles me. But I thank God the more I feel helpless because His word stands true that, "in my weakness, You are my strength."

Honestly, it's because of His word that I still have the guts to soar higher, never give up and do my best. Knowing you won't fail because Jesus has won the victory, because You trust Him no matter what, because He is good, you will definitely seek for more!

The statement left me a hang over. And maybe it will last. Forever.
I thank God to have made me realize this. I know He's carved it in my soul.
How do I know? Because I won't let it go.

He had been encouraging me for like years to grow more in faith, that is more than believing. It's like, faith is the another word for believing, in the spiritual realms. So yeah. It took me years to fully understand. Indeed, when you hear His word as an answer to your plea, it is indeed irrevocable. Certainly the calling to have faith.

Since yesterday, or should I say even before, He's been telling me to "ask more" and "hold on". I admit that I was putting God in a box. I was living a carnal life. Trying to work out my spiritual life through so much human efforts - which is definitely tiresome wrong. I am guilty for this kind of living. I was always afraid to ask more because I might get disappointed because what if it's not for me or because there's just too much to ask and God might not handle it. In short, my mentality was to never disturb God.

See what kind of mentality I have? It's stiff.

But God's grace! He's really working in my life. He allows things to shake us to see that we need Someone who can't be shaken. He allows things to hurt us to make us feel that we're broken and there's a vacuum that He alone can fill. He allows things to shame us so that we may learn to speak the truth. He allows people to know you because He wants to show Himself through You. 

God has better plans for us. There's just a lot! Faith is all we need. Believing God's word helps us fill the holes created by the world to us.

We might be corrupted in mind, body and spirit.

But through Jesus, we are new. "The old is gone, the new has come."

His death made a way for us to be forgiven and be blessed.

His death redeemed us.
His scars healed us.
His blood cleansed us.
His love saved us.

 

Happy 2015!

Declaring greater things for this year! 

Greater challenges may come all the way but God holds us in His right. He is who He said He is. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is gracious. He is loving. He is kind. He withholds nothing for those who love Him. God has been great through out our lives and He will continue to live it up as long as we live - forever and ever.

God is on our side. He protects us. He doesn't waste anything. 

GOD IS WITH US.

Praise God! I'm better than before. I've got another 365 chances and opportunities that is at reach. Thank You Lord!

 
Again, happy 2015! :)

When do we say we deserve better?

One beauty queen said in an Banking Ad, "I just woke up one day and realized I deserve better."


So what's next after this question? Do we likely move or should we stay still otherwise?

I don't know myself either, how to measure but I know, I just know, that I really deserve better.

I was raised up in the thought process of equivalent exchange (just lemme use this word, hehe). You work, you get what you want. That's how my life has been. I measure everything that I deserve with how I work. 

I realized this thought like a hundred times in my life. But what do I do?

We can do whatever we want. If I want to move for the better, because that's what I think is best, I can. There's nothing wrong about it actually. You can always get what you want. But there are these times that even if you want to step out where you are, you can't get out of it - and you know that there's something that holds you back. 

Either fear or His word.

Fear is cheap. It drains all of your energy. It robs you what you really have, what you should have for the meantime. You think you should have this and that and all these things that you deserve but you just end up nothing - exhausted mind, body and soul. You can't realize what's for today is enough because you have already set your mind off for tomorrow.

So were getting into the clearer root of this fear, aren't we? Fear for tomorrow. Yes, everyone in this world has a hold of this. From time to time it pops and then we get crazy thinking about it over and over again. And we gain nothing from thinking the most of it when reality slaps us that for now, we can not do anything. Just yet.

His word. Sometimes it ticks me off that His word is making me stay where I am. That moment when you just realize you deserve better but deep in you speaks, "Be contented. Being faithful in small things is a preparation for the better things to come."

It's a challenge for me everyday that I should have this mentality over and over. Everyday, you choose to think this way because you know it is what He wants you to. It contradicts every being of me actually. Every nerve of me erupts. Every tiny universe in me becomes a black hole.

Do I deserve more?
Of course.
God doesn't withhold anything good from His children. And this good has to be in line with His will. And what is His will anyway? Something beautiful, that even ashes could be become star dust.

Do I deserve more?
Yes.
But not now.
He is preparing me.
I know this because He keeps me still.
I know this because it's Him that I am longing for.
I know this because it's written in His love letter.

Do I deserve more?
After all He has done for me, No.
I don't deserve all that I have now.
My life. My entire existence.
But because He gave it all.
His grace extended up to the limits.

I have always asked about Your love.
I didn't understand it.
That's why I don't want it.
I remember how it hurts every time I am reminded of it.
It hurts so much, no, it overwhelms me so much.
How could you love me? What part in me do you love?
As much as I don't want to think about it, it comes rushing so fresh in me.

When my discipler told me about this certain line in the lastest movie in the hobbit, which is familiar with everyone,

 
Tauriel: "If this is love, why does it hurts so much?"
Thranduil: "Because it was real..."

How could it be love when it hurts so much? How can that be real?
You wouldn't know if you never loved like Him. If I think about it, maybe He's the only one who felt it that way. 

That genuine love that hurts when He saw His beloved died.

So instead of seeing us dying everyday of our lives, Jesus came and said "Let me take their place." And so the Father gave His only begotten Son die for us to live.

Now tell me, do you deserve what you say you deserve?



 
 

Born out of Love

What could it be when everything is born out of love. Will like get better? Any better? Or will life be easier? than ever?

Love is something I myself can't define. But it's a lovely word. It's a sweet sound. It makes the heart beat go clubbing inside when it's genuine. And a very beautiful gesture.

At times love makes tears fall. I don't know why it's still called love when it still make you cry - giving you heart breaks like letting go - but that's love folks. Love that's making it's way to a newer and truer love.

When the things you do are those that you love, doesn't make it any harder to work? Hmmm. That makes sense. And that talks to me now, anyway. Choosing above everything we feel everyday. Love. Then viola!


Choosing love doesn't give us the assurance of making our lives get better and easier. It's easy to say 'that is love' when sometimes is really it isn't. We think that it's love then we work out on it, then there it blossoms love, then it gives you a heart break. Because in the first place it wasn't love after all. Maybe it was empathy in disguise, maybe it's an over-reacting understanding over, or whatnot in this world. But what's great about this is that, we may started it with something we thought is love it still ends to us to be love. Great isn't it?

Whether you like it or not, whether you admit it or not, whether you acknowledge it or not, love will always be right there.