I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded about the humility that brought me to my knees and pray and plead for life. I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded how God has held and carried me altogether and all through out. I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded of the depth of that forgiveness I never imagined I could draw from me. I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded of how God has loved me, forgave me, and never gave up on me. That day, was my second encounter with Jesus; life changing. That day told me how fragile hearts could be. That day made feel how wretched I am. That day I threw everything who I was because there's nothing left but mess. But that was also the very day, Jesus saved me. Again. Those days, I kept on breaking and running away but He kept pursuing. He kept me, healed and restored me. Again and again. And I realized this love, I hope to be brave it in life. There are days I get so afraid and wish to stop. But His love keeps me still. His love quiets me. Pain is real, but so is He. The shame and guilt are deep, but His love deeper.

Something about healing

Last Saturday, I got another piercing. I had it in the helix area. Actually, I used to have one. But during that time, we were on a camp and no extra earrings were allowed. It was still fresh but I removed it, because I was more afraid of someone taking it away. I tried to put it back, but it closed immediately.

Going back, I got one again. I wanted to change the pin, so I observed the pain for days and thought maybe, last night, it was fine. So yeah, I took the pin away. It wasn't easy because the pin was locked tightly; the pain was tolerable, though (mmm, or is it just me since I have high pain tolerance). 

Taking the stack in the pierce felt giddy... the sense of tingling pain made me realize that it wasn't yet fully healed. But I insisted, so taking it off, I saw a mark. I thought there'll be no blood, actually, there wasn't but it was a bruised mark since it's in a cartilage area. And as I tried to change the pin with the new one, I didn't imagine to have a hard time doing it.

It wasn't just about the pain and the pin. But the healing that was still happening. I realized that for that one new thing to settle down, it has to go through a deep and thorough settling. Time is one factor and the other is the natural way of healing.

I took the new pin again. The pain was bearable but it has a different kind of sting that makes my hands and feet cold and my tummy lurching (ya know that feeling?). Now, I have to go through the same process again, and you know what? I kinda felt afraid. Afraid that if I wont get it back again, it will close on me. Again. And the pain, what if I won't be able to endure it? What if... 

And with all the storming of what ifs? I did it again. To bravethrough. I have to. I don't know if its wrong or something, but what I observed was that, the slower I was pinning myself, colder it makes my being, thus making me stop what I do. So to finish, once and for all, I tried to locate the hole on the other side of my ear and pierced it hard to get through. Because I was kinda forceful on it, I didn't realize that the tip if the pin was sharp, so I got my thumb bleeding a bit. 

Then it's done.

Marking it here, because I got lots of things in mind lately. Not only that I got pierced but also got a pixie. See how frustrated I am with my life? Hahaha. I was at a point where there's nothing I can do and there's no one to help me in my own misery, so I just cry my way 'till the next day. Hope was so fragile, yet it's not breaking. Everything was slowly taken away, but looking into another mirror, I saw the Lord moving. And there's no where I would like to be than where my Lord, my King will be. 

I'm holding on to the truth that one day... 

One day... 

All of these things that enemy 

is trying to break, 

is trying put to death, 

is trying to destroy... 

One day...

My King will 

restore

redeem

resurrect

rescue.

All for the honor of Jesus.

Anyway, new things for new things; 

No matter what comes in the way, 

New things for new things.