i wish i didn't do it. i wish i said no to you. i wish i had more conviction and wisdom back then how to love you right. 😶

The depth of your spirituality is contingent not in mere believing that you can be forgiven, but believing that you can be delighted in by God in Christ. We just don't want forgiveness, we want to be loved.

I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded about the humility that brought me to my knees and pray and plead for life. I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded how God has held and carried me altogether and all through out. I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded of the depth of that forgiveness I never imagined I could draw from me. I will always be reminded of that pain. But at the same time, be reminded of how God has loved me, forgave me, and never gave up on me. That day, was my second encounter with Jesus; life changing. That day told me how fragile hearts could be. That day made feel how wretched I am. That day I threw everything who I was because there's nothing left but mess. But that was also the very day, Jesus saved me. Again. Those days, I kept on breaking and running away but He kept pursuing. He kept me, healed and restored me. Again and again. And I realized this love, I hope to be brave it in life. There are days I get so afraid and wish to stop. But His love keeps me still. His love quiets me. Pain is real, but so is He. The shame and guilt are deep, but His love deeper.

"I will quiet you by My love."

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Once we have forgiven, however, we get a new freedom to forget. This time our forgetting is a sign of health; it is not a trick to forget spiritual surgery. We can forget because we are healed. But even if it's easier to forget after we forgive, we should not make forgetting a test of our forgiving. The test of forgiving lies with the healing of the lingering pain of the past, not with forgetting the past has ever happened. 

God invented forgiving as a remedy for a past that not even he could change and not even he could forget. His way of forgiving is the model for our forgiving. 

quotes by: Lewis Smedes

Verses to ponder:

One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:13-14

Words to remember:

New - Allowing God to change our hearts to change our lives. He transforms by giving us new hearts for Him. 
Remedy - Cure, Solution, Answer
Forgetting - putting something out of our minds; clearing our minds with less important things (because it has no power against us) so we can be free to do what is most important 

Reference: After the Boxes are Unpacked, Susan Miller

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

Lewis Smedes