To Rau,

I know how hard your mind battle is, dear. I know how hard it is to fight to never lose your focus, heart and purpose. And I know how you always breakdown because of certain mistakes and never forgive yourself.

But I want you to understand that you are amazing. That you never have to be hard on yourself. I wish for you to be more confident in what you do. I wish for you to never doubt everything that you wanted to do. I wish that you would always go all out to all the things that you love. 

You never have to pretend that everything is alright when the truth is everything is breaking, falling apart. You never have to pretend to be strong. You never have to keep all goody shoes all the time. 

When Jesus saw you at the cross, he didn't see who you are of a moment. He saw it all - everything about you. He saw your struggles and pain. He saw what you can become. He saw your doubt and mishaps. He saw the completion of God's purposes in your life. He envisioned you living a life abundant - full of love, peace and joy. A woman clothed in strength and dignity. Favored. Blessed.

Some of us don't consider ourselves valuable, because we have still yet to realize the potential that is inside of us. Still, and for that goal to be extracted, to actually come out, it has to go through a crucible. It has to go to fire. That's why the word crucible does not only mean in the english language: the metal that is used for melting other metals. It also means this, according to John Maxwell, "a crucible in an opportunity, a test, or sometimes even an emergency that summons the very best from a person and reveals its finest qualities. Once a potential person experiences a crucible, they are transformed forever. - Pastor Carlo Panlilio

You have to engage in the great plans of the Lord. You have to accept that you are meant for greatness, therefore you have to stop being mediocre. You have to do things properly and part of it is discipline. You are born for such a time like this because you have to rise up for your calling. You are representing the Father. 

Even if you make mistakes, stupid mistakes. Remember that the game starts there. It is your response that matter. You may not be able to redeem yourself in the eyes of those who have already given the judgement, but remember that we serve only one audience, and it is God. Do not forsake changes, Rau. You have to change. If you don't... You will still have to, because the world does not revolve around you.

If you begin to think otherwise of all the things that you can do, hold on to who God tells you who you are. God always calls us to come just who we are. It is His Word that only matters. The world may applaud strong women but the world needs those who are kind. The world might always tell you to be perfect, but the world needs someone who understands. The world would always want you to be everything, just be who you are.

God is pleased with you, because of Jesus. If ever you can't accept whoever God is telling you who you are, take Jesus. Hold on to him who overcame, conquered it all for you. He loves you beyond how you love yourself. Accept that He wants to accomplish great things with you, outside your comfort zone. Stop listening to yourself and start building your identity to who he tells you that you are.

He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is for you and not against you. He never gave up on you. He cares for you. He's looking after you. All things work together for good to those who love God. Continue to delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart. You are like a tree planted beside a river that flows forever; in and out of season you shall bear fruit. You are not abandoned. He is your portion, your secured lot. You are filled, full and overflowing. You are not who they say you are, or what you do. Choose your battle. And be human.

Spend your time wisely. Learn to say no. Love your family. Always be thankful of the people around you. Always work with purpose; where you are right now is where God called you to represent Him. Your resolve, never lose it. Live, laugh, love. Share life. Always, be confident in the Lord in whatever you love to do. Your life is all about Him, let it unfold.

Rejoice in the Lord always, again I will say to you, rejoice! Celebrate!


Con todo mi cariño,
Rau, 24

Kapag mahal ka, Babalikan ka.

So what if di ka binalikan, di ka na din mahal? Eh different din naman yung di ka na mahal kaya, di ka na binalikan.

Mejo masakit ha. Ako kasi yung isa sa mga di binalikan. Kasi, di na mahal.

Last September 7, I saw him. After a few years of being haunted of what has become of us. I saw his face. After a few years of waiting just for that day to come, time flew immediately. Everything was so fast that even a minute didn't count. Even if I wanted to stay longer, I could not any longer. I could not barely look at him because for sure I'd be staring for long. I was shaking. I said 'hi', he smiled in response.

He was smiling. I was happy to see him. He was smiling. That was the last thing I wanted to see from him. He was smiling. I didn't regret my decision to see him. He was smiling. How could he?

I don't know if I was hopeful for anything when I had the chance to see him. But all I know was, I have to see him. Because I need to. Because I want to leave everything that excites me about him behind.

The pain resurfaced as I started rolling on my bed. I wasn't able to sleep properly. If it was possible, I might have a stared in nowhere 'til dawn. I wasn't particularly thinking of him but I wished to be with him a bit more. I wish I had the chance to talk to him. I wish I had the chance to hang out with him. To simply by his side until I lose appetite for it.

Was I hung up that much?
Do I love him still?
What am I really expecting?

I wonder why did I get hurt after seeing him. I wanted him happy. Sana with me. But it's impossible. The way he smiled at me, it was alive. Even without me, everything about him was beaming. He's like the coolest guy on earth!

I want to move on. Paano ba mag-move on? Hahaha. I'm not bitter, promise. It was hurting but I don't regret my decision to see him. I want to seriously get accustomed with everything about him and later on realize he's one ordinary thing for me nalang.

For some time, my prayer was this: (Ps. 139:23-24)

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!^[a]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!^[b]

 "I wanted to make things right with God." This stand, I heard from one pastor over one podcast, really struck me. From then on, I could remember I was praying Ps. 139:23-24 within me. Well I wasn't really aware about it since it was casual for me to think about this person for a time or two. And maybe, just maybe, because God now is telling me that I have a new beginning through Him. He wants to deal with this issue in my heart.

Then it happened. Then I kept thinking about him in leisure time which wasn't really helpful or productive. And because of that, I took God's word for help (2 Corinthians 5:10):

⁵ We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

You might mistaken me for running away from this feeling. But this feeling is deceiving. We ended because it was wrong. I admit I am weak to handle him, but I would like to stand to my God's blessings and promises of New Beginning.

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.^[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

 This verse has been my chant ever since the day. I am eager to find that new beginning. Now that I know that there's nothing I could expect from him anymore, except from friendship. I wished anew. I want to be refreshed from everything that has happened in my life that is continually running through my subconsciousness.

I WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH GOD. AGAIN.

He is just so gracious to give me this chance. And together with this, He allowed this blessing I would like to fight for: a chance to work in BIR. I don't know if my chance is slim or what but I'm taking the chance. I'm gonna fight for it knowing God is with me.

I'm gonna fight because He has given me a new beginning. Because I have my race to finish. Because I have dreams I wish to come true. Because I have to live my purpose.

Isaiah 43:18-19

¹⁸ “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹ Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.

Sooo frustrating~ Yet, I thank my God

Sorry to drop by frustrated. Anyways, this too shall pass. Ya know, just a little bit of hard face palm will do.

How is it going? Happy new year! It feels like forever when I started blogging again. I'm afraid it was because of my stress living. I've been sleeping early dawn because of reading manga. And yea. I know it's bad yet I just can't get enough. Even though I almost read all the good manga, I still can't get my hands and eyes and brains off the net.

My thoughts are off lately. Spacing and leaving things in mediocrity. I don't like thinking too much anymore; I just read the lines and nothing less. I boast about spending leisure time inadequately which, well, sometimes sounds cool. But inside, I really find it really irritating, annoying. "Why can't I work my ass off that hard?" "Bet, I have been somewhere right now if I hadn't given up."

Regrets? Insecurities? Inabilities?

I'll restate what CS Lewis quoted once, great people started with little things. And I wonder what are my little things.

I feel like everybody's moving forward and I'm still stuck sheering off my ugly self. Forcibly peeling it off. And maybe that's the problem. I think too much of myself, I force it to come in an instant, I compare. There's just so much I want to do but it feels like it's impossible so. Look at me. What can I do? What can a mere someone who doesn't have anything to do the day but help her mum stay at their own small store, clean the house, and go reading manga at night. I can't even study properly because of procrastination.

I know. All eyes on me. My bad. Blame it on me.

"Whether you see faults or strengths, they are all part of who you are. Isn't that why Kaiso-sama gave you a mirror? So that you won't lose yourself... So that you wouldn't take the wrong path?" - Amane, Her Majesty's Dog

Both quotes gave me real baaad reflection here. I wonder how many of these things, of these types will continue to make me feel insufficient until I have enough. I'm tired already. Doing useless stuffs like all of these would help me in my future career. *sigh It's really hard to keep on pressing on when your enemy is your habit. You want to get rid of it but it was there for years, and stimulated by environment, can you measure how tough it'll be?

*cross fingers Anyways, let's hope for the best. We've got a big God who is faithful and just.  The God who is surrounded by the mysteries of the entire universe. Yet revealed Himself in His Son, Jesus. So who knows how all these things turn out for the good? I'm glad I'm certain that He is good, and that nothing in this earth is wasted. He loves us much as He forgives us everyday and continues to make us see the beauty of His creation, the essence of His life and that He is existing.

No matter what, I know this simple truth, He will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me. He will never give up on me. Because He loves me. No matter how crooked are my ways, how wicked are my thoughts, how I always get lost, He is still there, up in the skies calling out my name. Nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing can separate me from Him. And in my weakness I find my strength in Him.

For November!