Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4 (NIV)

Kapag mahal ka, Babalikan ka.

So what if di ka binalikan, di ka na din mahal? Eh different din naman yung di ka na mahal kaya, di ka na binalikan.

Mejo masakit ha. Ako kasi yung isa sa mga di binalikan. Kasi, di na mahal.

Last September 7, I saw him. After a few years of being haunted of what has become of us. I saw his face. After a few years of waiting just for that day to come, time flew immediately. Everything was so fast that even a minute didn't count. Even if I wanted to stay longer, I could not any longer. I could not barely look at him because for sure I'd be staring for long. I was shaking. I said 'hi', he smiled in response.

He was smiling. I was happy to see him. He was smiling. That was the last thing I wanted to see from him. He was smiling. I didn't regret my decision to see him. He was smiling. How could he?

I don't know if I was hopeful for anything when I had the chance to see him. But all I know was, I have to see him. Because I need to. Because I want to leave everything that excites me about him behind.

The pain resurfaced as I started rolling on my bed. I wasn't able to sleep properly. If it was possible, I might have a stared in nowhere 'til dawn. I wasn't particularly thinking of him but I wished to be with him a bit more. I wish I had the chance to talk to him. I wish I had the chance to hang out with him. To simply by his side until I lose appetite for it.

Was I hung up that much?
Do I love him still?
What am I really expecting?

I wonder why did I get hurt after seeing him. I wanted him happy. Sana with me. But it's impossible. The way he smiled at me, it was alive. Even without me, everything about him was beaming. He's like the coolest guy on earth!

I want to move on. Paano ba mag-move on? Hahaha. I'm not bitter, promise. It was hurting but I don't regret my decision to see him. I want to seriously get accustomed with everything about him and later on realize he's one ordinary thing for me nalang.

For some time, my prayer was this: (Ps. 139:23-24)

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!^[a]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!^[b]

 "I wanted to make things right with God." This stand, I heard from one pastor over one podcast, really struck me. From then on, I could remember I was praying Ps. 139:23-24 within me. Well I wasn't really aware about it since it was casual for me to think about this person for a time or two. And maybe, just maybe, because God now is telling me that I have a new beginning through Him. He wants to deal with this issue in my heart.

Then it happened. Then I kept thinking about him in leisure time which wasn't really helpful or productive. And because of that, I took God's word for help (2 Corinthians 5:10):

⁵ We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

You might mistaken me for running away from this feeling. But this feeling is deceiving. We ended because it was wrong. I admit I am weak to handle him, but I would like to stand to my God's blessings and promises of New Beginning.

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.^[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

 This verse has been my chant ever since the day. I am eager to find that new beginning. Now that I know that there's nothing I could expect from him anymore, except from friendship. I wished anew. I want to be refreshed from everything that has happened in my life that is continually running through my subconsciousness.

I WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH GOD. AGAIN.

He is just so gracious to give me this chance. And together with this, He allowed this blessing I would like to fight for: a chance to work in BIR. I don't know if my chance is slim or what but I'm taking the chance. I'm gonna fight for it knowing God is with me.

I'm gonna fight because He has given me a new beginning. Because I have my race to finish. Because I have dreams I wish to come true. Because I have to live my purpose.

Isaiah 43:18-19

¹⁸ “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹ Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.

Cut it out! You have always been blessed!

I should really should cut it out - this poverty mindset. If only it's possible to live alone or gouge my eyes out just stop being intimidated from others, of course it is, but like I can! I love myself too much for that. Haha. Anyway, real talk. If only I could stop being so envious about all the good things others have, I might have been the cool kid you know in the block. 

You see, the word last Sunday really challenged me ever since I stepped out of the hall. I am blessed long time ago; I am favored, that I know. "You seem unconvinced," Pastor said after revealing this title. I must admit, that these words I know for a fact, but for someone like me who tingles when things don't seem pleasant, it's an ooookay. No blood rushing for excitement nor adrenalin to look forward to it.

I am contemplating, really, of how to deal with this kind of disease. It's just ironic to realize that, I feel inferior to those people I cherish the most. I mean, I really love them! I am proud of them and ever have I always wanted to be walking beside them. Then I see great things happen to them, I get to congratulate them and suddenly everything feels churning.

Why things like that happen to me?

Just this morning, I received a quote from a daily inspiration message you get from facebook. It said something like "You don't have be in a roller coaster ride in this life, you need to be constant." Then I thought, Life is at constant, unless the One give shall take. Getting into the roller coaster ride of life is upon how you see situations that either goes at hand or out of the way. So we need to be positive. Yep! Positive.  As if.

It's really hard for me you know but I want to break out from this that tangles me for so years already. I have seen the consequences of this action, but WHY CAN'T I JUST GET RID OF IT.

Sigh.

I don't wanna be called a green-eyed monster.

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We are rich in Christ Jesus, so there is nothing to be intimidated, get pitied, or agitated about the tomorrow. Isn't the birds more important than you? Didn't He say, He has plans for us to prosper,  and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future?  

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19) NIV

We have always been blessed.
 Ephesians 1:3 says,

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

Has blessed is in the perfect tense, which means even from the ancient ages up to this millennia, God had never had a time to bless up. Grace! Okay, you might be thinking that this might be out of context since what is stated are spiritual blessings, not blessings, which could actually fit in the scenario that we are actually abundant in this world needless to say. But, have you forgotten who we are? We are the people of God, spiritual men of God. Spiritual blessings, by all means, are those that we, His children, need for life.

We have to renew, refresh and restart our poverty mindset. We are rich in Christ! Our portion in this matter is that we have to believe in His word! Have you ever seen a believer abandoned? Even those who are persecuted, still praise God until death because He never left them! He filled them with His presence, so much more compared to what they are experiencing. They speak about God. They believe His word. And so shall we.

If anything, self-fulfilling prophecies shall all be positive. And to see all the good things our Father has done:

• Use what you have
• Be grateful for what you have
• Don't be jealous for what others have

The crown of thorns Jesus wore on the cross signifies the breaking of all human weak and ill mentalities. He wore it because He knows how evil mind can be. Praise God. So whatever it is that you might be waiting for, you are asking for, claim it! The victory is won in His name! It is a blessing to know that we are given this confidence in Christ Jesus.


Spiritual Blessings

Let us get into further Ephesians 1:3's spiritual blessings. So these are some and top of God's spiritual blessings to us:

• Chosen for Salvation (John 15:16, Ephesians 1:4)
• Adopted as His child (John 1:12, Psalms 37:25)
• We are forgiven (Psalms 103:12, Micah 7:19, John 10:10)

Know that GOD IS the source of all blessings
 
If our biological fathers do anything just to give us everything, doesn't this more apply to our Heavenly Father? The King of Kings? The Lord of Lords? In His hands, blessings are blessings! It never hides into other clothing or add up anything that could ruin the meaning of it. Proverbs 10:22 "The blessing of the Lord makes rich, and he adds no sorrow with it." When God blessed you a work, it is blessing! When it turned out to be out of your comfort zone, your work is still God's blessing! In due time if you are proven worth it, He shall promote! Obey and prioritize, turn tables and know that blessings are along the way.

So whatever it is that has or to come our way, let us remember that in each and every step of the way God is before us. He is with us. 

All things work together for good!  That is the truth. And we ought to own it.