Lord.

"Even the things you forget, I remember." You have a Father in Heaven who will provide for you.

11.23.21

Today, I feel nothing. Maybe because I'm too confused with what is happening with my life. Tell me, love, why couldn't I just be freely enjoy being with you? All the time, I have to be conscious. From time to time, I try to overlook all your imperfections because I am too. But sometimes, it's taking a toll on me... Like I feel like I'm always leading... finances, decisions... Don't get me wrong, I'm not counting these against you, and I just wonder why I'm feeling this way. I know I shouldn't because I always try to understand your situation. And God, it's so hard.

2 nights ago, what happened between us was so wrong. I've been realizing how maybe I'm just fantasizing to want everything with you after marriage. It hurts me to realize that when I look at you, you only want pleasure for yourself. It's like you don't love me... it makes me harder to believe that you really love me. It angers me that I couldn't talk back and stop  what was happening. I'm sorry love, but I feel so violated and disrespected. I'm sorry if I was leading you to be uncontrollable. I wish it didn't happen, so it wouldn't be hurting for the both of us.

I'm sorry. I'm thinking of not seeing or communicating you while I couldn't find a way to solve this... or to work on making things right. My love, we both know, we tried. As much as I don't want to break pur relationship, doing things right before the Lord still what matters. I don't know if I'm putting a judgement over our situation, but I pray that God will grant me the grace and wisdom to see what He is doing. You see, this is not just a wishful thinking. But I'd like to believe that as in 2 Corinthians 3:9 "For if there was glory in the ministry of condemnation, the ministry of righteousness must far exceed it in glory." I know in the coming of Christ, all of these exhilarating want of being perfect of the Lord is done. But while I'm still undone, Christ's righteousness can be found. 

I'm praying that you will understand where I'm coming from. More importantly, that will be able to rest on and trust the love of God to you. I pray that you encounter God for real - beyond your intellect and emotions. I pray that for whatever thay you are breaking right now, God will comfort you. I pray that the Lord grant you strength to overcome and may His Spirit always empower you to let His will be done. I continually believe in the power of God in you, the same power that has resurrected Christ from the dead, where everyone becomes a new creation. Create in us a new heart, and renew a right spirit with us. Declaring that nothing and no one can ever separate us from the love of God, and no one and nothing can thwart God's plans and purposes. Thank you, Jesus. We receive it. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen. Amen. 

//

One year

One year ago, he laid down his intension to pursue me.

The other year ago, I was still healing from a betrayal issue.

The other years, I was breaking from a triggered trauma.

A few years ago, I started to get to know him.

I really wonder how I ended up with him. I could've closed the door for him and walk away from him. But here I am, loving every part of him. The painful and happy days that I am with him, adds color to my world. I don't know why I'm sentimental today, but I just realized how thankful I am to the Lord that Earl has changed his heart to make things right. As I look back, the painful nights that I always run to the Lord for all the rejection that he made me feel and for the days that I was left hanging, confused of what he is doing. As I realized that the more I was building fortified walls not to get hurt and be right, the Lord kept me and held me in all those times.

Looking back, I can't help but just thank the Lord for all He's done for me. If I think about myself, I want everything right, so badly because I think how even in my own way I can honor God. But with all that had happened, my reputation is nothing. Maybe I'm too obsessed doing things right because that's my insecurity, I can't do everything right. I always need God's grace. Not just to redeem me so I can forgive and accept myself but also to empower me to continue and be better.

Now, this year, I am already half a year with Earl.

This year, I am living freely who I am.

This year, I am discovering and learning life.

This year is the year of the Lord's favor.

Real relationship is hard. Real love is hard.

"Even when you are (difficult), I'm gonna stay by your side... And when you can't hope, I will hope for you."

A short about this vlog:

I remember a statement from a leader's conference where it was mentioned that, this is also a devil's work... abortion, divorce, mental health issues... all aims to destroy what God has anointed - you, marriage, families, the future generations.

On our issues, weakness, insecurities, difficulties... Speaking about it liberates. Speaking about it helps in your processing. Speaking about it heals. Speaking about it will help others see light.

As much as you always try to live rightly, you will still be a burden and be difficult. Worse, you will hurt others... and be hurt.

Disclaimer, I'm not married and I have no the same experiences with Ms. Carla. But I had my fair share of mental breakdowns. I am prone to anxiety. Depression also manifested in my health. I was denying that I was not mentally healthy. I was not diagnosed clinically, I tried, to be honest. But thankfully, I have not reached that point. I did not also went through counseling, because I thought it was too personal and I was always business with myself. During that season, I was in total indenial of what I was going through. Being alone in my own misery was a punishment I brought to myself. And that was something I don't wish for anybody.

I was thankful for everyone who never judged me as I was going through that internal turmoil. It might've been good at covering up or pretending, but God never turned a blind eye on it. As I was all "Lord, I don't wanna be sinful... Lord, I don't want to hurt anybody... Lord, I'm strong in you... Lord, You are enough..." - trying to keep the relationship as if it was going to be break if I get bad or weak. The Lord just made me feel that "No matter what, I will stay." Indeed, He is what the world is not.

Remembering this momentous moments, makes me see God bigger. As I have seen Him big, that makes me fearful. I also see Him get bigger and bigger in His love, compassion, kindness, mercy and grace for me and to others. 

Lord, Japan tour. 🥺👉👈

You are the warmth beneath the sunlight. Just like wine sweeter with time. Stay here with me and promise me that you will never leave right next to me and never wake me up from this dream. You make me happy more that I thought could ever be. You're my sunrise, you're my sunset. You're my first love and my last breath. All I'll ever be. All I ever need.

Bad days happen and it won't last; life is still beautiful. God's grace will enable and sustain us to be better, in Christ Jesus. Whether it's sin or in our stupidity, His grace is enough.

Lord, I need a breather. I feel like everything is against me. I feel like grace has no place for someone like me... someone who can never do right things... And it makes me feel so hopeless, making me hard to believe that I have a good future... because I'm not good, I'm not competitive, I'm not excellent, I'm easily distracted and pressured...

Sometimes, our motivation to be on the top is not just to be praised but be seen.

Resentment lets you know when you are not honoring your own needs or boundaries.

If temptation starts to creep in, stand up, get some distance, breathe, and think of this statement from Arej: "If it will ruin Jeff's reputation, I will not do it."

Disclaimer: Her statement is the context of marriage. But I think it's a powerful statement that could help me express the right kind of love for Earl in our dating season. Believing and declaring for victory over temptation. That the Lord will not just satisfy but overflow to the brims our longings and testify that purity - emotional, physical, and mental, is possible in the name of Jesus. God grant us the power to say no to sin, this is our celebration to the freedom that you have given to us. God. Strengthen our inner man, God, with Your Spirit abiding in us. God I believe that nothing is impossible to you. Lord, in our relationship, be honored. Lord, I am believing that we will conquer. You have provided ways for us to escape temptation, and we bless You, God, for ever protecting us, for loving us dearly. God, what I'm believing and fighting for in prayer is this is not worth justifying so to please myself or Earl. Lord, I wanna honor you. Lord, I believe in Your Word, in Your the salvation that you bring to your saints... Your mercies are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness! 

Why do I feel like my existence is [wrong]?

What cannot be communicated to the mother, won't be communicated to the self.

I just wanna cry out and sleep this exhaustion away.

One step forward, two steps closer.

Everyone's into Nightbirde lately. She joined America's Got Talent and shared a bit of her story. She was fighting cancer for sometime now, and sang her original song for her journey with it. She gained a golden buzzer, and later on her faith was everywhere. She was worship leader and a graduate of it. I remember Job in her life... And maybe me... Reading and learning how vulnerable she is with the Lord... the anger, the disappointment, the hopelessness, the days that she's okay, and most when she's not... But at the end of the day, her relationship got stronger. "Jesus is worth whatever it is you're scared of losing."

Here are some of my take-aways from pain... from her life... from the Lord... 

1) Pain really has its way of opening our eyes who God is... where is He... what is He doing... It makes us realize that it's not about what we do or who we are... That it's not about us... But it's all about Him... We are His story that He personally penned... A story of a thousand hallelujahs... A story of "not my will, but Your will be done". A story of surrender to Him who calls, "Follow me" and "Come to me"... A story of becoming as we abide in Him and trust that He is "I AM"...

2) Pain is powerful. It's so much different when you hear someone profess Jesus in their suffering... you'll know if it's true... because the pain will reach you... and Jesus too... Just as Jesus knows what is  pain and grief for every single one of us... just as how He felt it all... at peak... 

3) Pain bares us naked. There's nothing hidden in who we are, for even the things we don't think exist in our very core comes out... our fears... our hopes... our cries... our worship... our need... our gratitude... our selfishness... and Jesus...

4) Pain is a picture of His great pursuit to us. You see, pain makes us focus on our fears and what we feel... it makes us think that God is far... nowhere to be found... and doesn't hear our prayer... and maybe punishes us... or doesn't love us... or really doesn't do anything... It makes us focus on ourselves... But when we look closer... He is where we are. Yes. Here, now. His pursuit never stopped even if we're blinded by our own concern. His pursuit never stops even if we choose to be on our worse to drive him away. He will come back to you. He will keep on returning. And knocking. Again and again. Until you He has won our hearts... our trust... our fears... Because there's nothing that could make Him love you less... Darling, He will not stop pursuing. 

5) Pain is very much acquainted with Him. That even in all of these, pain never fails to connects us to God and makes us closer to Him... Closer that we get to hear His secrets... Closer that we see what He sees... Closer that we find Him when we're on our knees... Closer that we get to hear His heartbeat... Closer that we feel how how He cares about us... I'd like to think that because He knows so much, and He cares so much about us, He feels sad when we're lost and don't know what to do... when we're in so much pain, and suffering, and trauma and it just a cycle... when all we want to do just lay at rest in His arms...

6) Pain is the place where we feel His love most. Because it's where everything is broken and there's nothing's good in us that He came for us. Remember, "It was not the nails that held Him there [at the cross], it was His love." Imagine going through all that and chose to finish until death, it's love. And even His resurrection, is His love for us. His ascension, is His love for us. The sending of His Holy Spirit, is His love for us. All this time, His love is His mercy, grace, kindness, patience for us to live another day. His love is His grace for us.

7) Pain is where God is the most real... in weakness, in brokenness... and the most beautiful in His glory. Here we are able to learn how the ironies of life can come together because of Jesus. We got to see the impossible come to life. We got to see death in light. We learn to trust, surrender, and have faith in him.

Pain makes us give and take one step... so we always stay where we are... but every single step, God takes two steps closer. Taking us by the hand. Though we may be in fear, but He calls us to trust Him as we go with Him through the deep and darkness. Because He is with us and is the light. 

As the Father is to Jesus, we can be confident, "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Until the day of Christ.

I'm thinking... Atleast if I die early, I know that these people so close to my heart are in the Lord's hands. I'm satisfied with my life, thank You, Lord. I mean, it's always satisfying, rewarding and humbling to be reminded that the Lord is faithful to His promises. That even if we gave up on it, disheartened about, got disappointed and just impossible to happen. He still remembers. And it brings me back to those days that I prayed for these people. I was to naive with how prayer works at that time. But now, I am fully convinced that it works like an investment. And guided by the Word, we get aligned to His will. By persistence, we get to God rather than ourselves. And lastly, prayer is not a complicated thing. It can happen just like our breathing; or just like how we're learned worship to be a lifestyle. Prayer is a manifestation of our faith that the Lord is gracious, good and great. And He is Father, always Father, and will always be Father. Keep. The faith.

Sad. That snak dream makes me deym feel so much about betrayal.

That was painful. But true. So thank you. I know it was hard for you to be honest about your issue with me, so I appreciate the effort and all the more the intention. I felt your love and God's love as you have addressed the matter. It also reminded me of my worth. Thank you. Thank you.

Sad. Mali nalang permi. Hahaha.

Heavy March

I'm sad and disappointed.

How could people be like that?

Worse, your family.

I wanna get angry.

Lord, it's so unfair.

I know this is not your punishment to me, because You love me.

I know You love me and you don't hope me to be bitter about the situation.

Lord, you know how it hurts so much now.

Why can't it be easy?

I know these are just one of these days, of that season, before breakthrough.

Lord, I forgive them.

They don't know what they are saying.

I pray that You will overflow You love in their lives.

I pray that You overtake them with Your goodness.

I pray that they will see Your faithfulness in their lives.

I pray that You protect their families and their health.

I pray that You send Your angels to fight for them.

I pray that You bless them and their decisions.

I pray that one day, they will encounter Your salvation.

I pray for faith to arise in my heart.

I pray for courage to arise from my faith.

I pray for protection in my heart and mind.

I pray that I will continue to choose to honor and glorify You, Lord, no matter the circumstances and whoever may be involved.

Lord, I pray for Earl.

Thank you for His life.

Thank you for healing and restoring him in Your loving kindness.

Thank you for guiding and providing for Him.

Thank you for opening his heart in Your Fathering.

Lord, I pray that you continually pursue Him.

Satisfy and saturate His being until You alone is enough - mightily enough.

I pray that you bless Him in every desire in His heart.

Give him favor, O Lord, for Your are merciful and gracious.

You know all that he is, I pray that You fill Him with Your knowledge and power.

I pray that you comfort Him on nights that He can't sleep worrying about the future.

Remind him of Your goodness, faithfulness and loving kindness in his life.

I pray that you keep him holy.

I pray that you help us keep this relationship holy, only for you.

Give him Your stature, Father.

Hold his hand always, because I can't right now.

Embrace him always so that he will always find safety, refuge and refreshment in Your presence.

Fight for him, lift him up, as life will sometimes try to pick on him.

But I know he is strong in You. Full of wisdom and charged by Your Spirit.

Lord, lead him by Your Word.

Lead him by Your ways.

Lead him in Your infinite wisdom.

Make him rest in Your Presence, Lord.

Let his seeking find Your rhythm of love and grace.

Protect his head and mind

May his leadership bless all the people around him.

May his life be an inspiration in all season.

I know Earl is, because I see You.

He is not like Abraham, David, Daniel, Peter or Paul.

He is the Earl whom You have made for Yourself.

The Earl that you love, you have chosen, and you cherish.

He is the one You have graced to remind me of Your love for me. 

May we praise and worship you in spirit and truth, for all season.

Kakapoy maging Marthaaa 😭😭😭

"Good relationships add to your life. They don’t take away from it."

Sometimes, you just gotta suck-up feeling alone.

Whatever purpose I may have in their lives, may I serve it well. God, whatever Your will is, let it be done.

Hays. Ayaw lang jud kagive up sa imong self, Rau.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this way... Like Lord, I've been pretty much doing everything... Everyday, my heart and flesh fails choosing you... Tell me, what else should I do? Am I putting my faith in the wrong truths? Lord, I'm tired of believing that I will get better... that things will still get better... I feel like I can't.

My thoughts and emotions have been restless... and I know You know and see my anxious heart. Why am I so listless. Why can't just enjoy a day without thinking something will get wrong. Days that I can just be free... I'm tired of understanding... everything... everyone...

To think that I have a family, a work, a special someone, money, and time to squander... yet I always find everything not enough... there will always something to adjust... it's not that they are not enough, but I am. And I am so spent, God. 

I don't have anything to give anymore.

"I love you so hard it hurts."

There are really days that I don't know anymore. I don't understand a thing. And trying to figure out how everything will work out, is worse. I thought I'd like to enjoy, but I don't know how to. I thought of starting over again, but I don't know where and how to. Better not thinking anything, but just live today. How can I be so serious about life like this?? Uwaa. Nakakapagod.

mercy, mercy

Whatever is given today is enough for the day.

truth, trust, transparency

If I die young,

I don't know why I'm having this thought and heavy feeling; God, let your will be done.

You know when I sit and rise

You know everything about me

You know me and have numbered my days

Lord, I pray for Nanay, Tatay, Cara, Earl, Ging and Maymay. 

You know how I love them so much.

I pray that You make them joyful in everything. 

I pray that You make them strong in all circumstances. 

I pray that You provide for them, their needs and desires.

I pray that You hold them with so much care. 

Lord, I pray, that every single day left for me

Will be days that love You and love them better

I pray that my life will be known for You

Your love, goodness, kindness, faithfulness and grace. 

Lord, my life is Yours.

It's broken and messy,

still You take it as Your own. 

My forever gratefulness to You

for accepting, taking and loving me.

You are my King, My Lord, 

whom I will serve and bless, 

praise and worship, all the time. 

I pray for all of my loved ones, 

that they will abound in love

in patience, and kindness, 

and in abiding in the Lord. 

I pray that they will keep

in mind, and heart, 

to continue generations

who will bless the Lord. 

I pray that you command your angels

to watch over them always. 

I pray that you protect them always

from every scheme of the enemy. 

I pray that they learn to forgive always

so that there will be no room for bitterness. 

I pray that they heal from every painful

and traumatic expereinces they had,

specially in the body of believers, 

and be able to move forward with You. 

I pray that Your church

will continue to fix thier eyes on You. 

I pray that you bring upon on Jesus - 

the way, the truth, the life. 

I pray thay you breathe in us Your Spirit

to empower us to follow and trust

your good, perfect and pleasing will. 

Thank you, Jesus! 

This 2021, and the years to come, 

will be the year to know You better.

You are willing, You are able. 

We will move by faith, not by sight. 

You will never fail. 

Your ways are always good,

so we can still trust You with the "even if". 

Thank you, Jesus.

"Be still and know that I am God."