I've been counting up all my wrongs; One sorry for each star. See I'd apologise my way to you, if the heavens stretched that far. You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

December rain

As the raindrops sing in the rooftops
My world began to move and travel
Breathing, I looked up the ceiling
Compelled in the heaven's rejoicing

Tell me what do you see
When you send rain on the earth
Tell me what do you see
When your word covers the entirety

Tell me what you think
When the soil takes in the water
Tell me what you think
When this become better

Tell me what you hear
When everything is done
Tell me what you hear
When the heart is warm

For so long everything was kept
When rain came knocking
thoughts shaken, faith building
Voices hush as eyes get open

And the sun rose in the east
even if its time to set in the west
And I was never left hanging
At least I thought I was

The moon appeared
The stars played my eyes
I went out and see the beauty
The rain created at night

Pearls on leaves
Fresh breeze past my face
The starfield sky recites
The innermost of my galaxies

Can you feel that pursuit?
Will you hold that heart?
Are you going to answer,
the beckoning call of art?

The poet resonates his heart
In a song I only see in my heart
How can this be that you alone
Move me with letters on stone

You spoke softly
breaking the strong in me
You took my lies
catching and changing me

And again I look up
The beat is raging
His love relentless
Safe in his embrace

And once again the rain fell
Thoughts rushing, feelings gushing
But never again I lay before the ceiling
For I get to relish the sight & smell of December rain

Siyayizwa inhliziyo, inhliziyo yakho.

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:4 (NIV)

Have you met someone
who looks at the night sky
like you always do

Have you met someone
who seems to be your full moon
so captivating

Have you met someone
who held your heart with his words
yet tight with actions
 
And I met someone
who name great constellations
and began to think

does he know by heart
does he know the sight afar
does he know my heart

But the milky way
seem to open the heavens
to bid us part ways

Both are shooting stars
just passing by the great stage
where everything change

To be only Yours, I pray.

I'm not anyone's option. Not even somebody's notion. I'm not anybody's choice. Nor someone else's rose.

A love that remains

Tell me how I am
a sweet nostalgia to you

like the smell of rust
from blood - of an open cut

or like the first rain
of summertime you've waited

like a perfume scent
that lingers as your childhood

or like a song lyric
bringing you into your space

tell me how I'm like
if ever I'll become one

to forget or keep
saudade, blue and green

Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in my weakness.

Lead me to You. Forever, Lord, I will pursue. You've won my heart, Jesus, You're all that I want.

Open my eyes, let me know more of Your love. More of Your love. Here I will wait, just to wait on you, God. I'll wait on You, God.

Flustered & Frustrated

Last night felt like I was mourning over a beloved's death.

I can't find myself be happy with her decision.

I was flustered with her decision.

I  was frustrated.


The other night, I met an older brother greeting me on my birthday. Then he asked how is my dear friend and her "boyfriend". So I was like, Whaaaat are you saying? Told him they are not going out or what, she didn't give a word to me (believing our accountability with her is important with her), and brushed off the issue.

Since last week, I was bothered about this girl so I tried calling and texting her. Her numbers were unattended. But I continually dropped texts to her. Yet still, no response. I want to check her up remembering what she told me: I'm going to Davao to celebrate his birthday together with his family and friends. 

Then last night happened. Maybe because the "news" was too heavy that this girl friend b decided to open up the issue with the concerning parties.

Girl friend B texted me that Girl friend A and her suitor are already going out.

I could not believe it.

I want to hear it from her.

I messaged girl friend b who told her about it. She said it came from girl friend a directly. She even sent me a screenshot of their convo. I could not think properly after seeing it. I was lost somehow. I was frustrated.

I was asking God what was wrong. I was trying to battle the anger by understanding her situation. Her very situation of being far from immediate help. What was I expecting? Was I too spiritually legalistic about her season? What did lack?

I felt so broken. I want to be happy because I know she is happy with her decision. But somehow I can't find myself get happy with the decision. I can accept that she might not listen to whatever it was that we told her the last time we went to Katanggawan and review the team's accountability. 

And to think what happened felt like we don't actually matter to her, hurts.

I cried asking God what to do because I don't anymore. "Jesus, what would you do?"

Choose restoring the relationship. And move on.

I was refreshing myself with Jesus' encounter with the people. I was looking for a certain scenario where I think my situation and His solution coincide. Then it dawned to me, Jesus was sent to the world to reconcile us to the Father. So what can I say?

"Let the dead bury their own dead." Move on. 
Somewhere in my heart, because of what happened, wanted to hold her tight. But once again, God reminded me that I can not remain in the situation. He has another mission for me to accomplish. The same with her.  He will take care of her. Maybe God is telling us to remind her that we have her back always, no matter what her decision is. Remind her that we are not always at her side talking her about God, but is one of her responsibility.

Frustrated and Flustered. But I have the choice to obey God & to preserve the relationship. All the more I have the reason to do it, because God loves His people. Because He is my strength. My portion. He is our shepherd who makes us lie down in green pastures, leads us beside still waters and restores our soul.

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, 

for I will yet praise him, 

my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43:5

I hate myself for thinking

There's nothing good in me

Heart filled with unrighteousness

Mind polluted by envy

Tongue tied in lies

Eyes blinded by disgust

The silence of the night calls 

The words of entitlement press in

"You can do more, better, a lot"

Yes, I can if I will; Can't I?

The stars are out, the moon out of sight

My eyes await for my Savior

I just wanted is to be still, to be held

My prince where is thou peace?

And as the depth of your love engulfs

There is a wage of war in my bones

It shivers, it breaks, shattered into pieces

I wonder how it is still in its proper place

 

In the sound of your embrace 

My God, Let me rest my case

I incline my ear to hear You whisper

I lean myself so, so much closer

Bring me in a new horizon

Play the interlude of your grace

Let your angels dance before You

Let your mercy come anew

Let me remember

And never forget

My Lord, 

You are nearer

Had all this happened

You remain in control  

You are sovereign

You calm my soul

Let my mouth speak glory

Let my tongue sing praise

Let my heart beat worship

Let my hand raise bless

I hate myself for thinking

There's nothing good in me

But there's our Father's begotten Son

In His loving arms, my story is not yet done

Good, Good Father.

Unbelievably, time is running fast. I wonder why it feels like this. It seems everything I have to do can't fit in one day. God might have designed it that way, yeah?

The other day, I was looking for something that I've been missing... 

"What's the matter?" 

"Really, what do you want to do with your life?" 

"How should I live the life You have won for me?"

"I want to understand why should I keep myself holy."

"Up to what extent can I sacrifice for love?"

"What should I do to love You with all my heart, mind and soul?"

"Are you even pleased with me?"

"I want to go home."

I know all of these. I know how easy it is to find anything in the Bible to answer my questions. But I want to address the root - A heart longing an encounter with God. Always and always, I have been like this. Sometimes when I realize how much I do for Him, it frightens me. It scares me that I might be dealing things "too religiously" that I do not see the real the need. For some time, it's so hard to convince myself that it's God that I want. You know why? Because reading the Word became a burden to me. I know I should not feel that way cause I know what's true. But then another burden came and whispered, "lean on His promises." Then I remembered.

The desperation to experience God's power. The time I clung unto His Word like my life depends on it. Haha. It makes me emotional remembering those days. It might have been a small thing for others but it was surreal. My eyes could not believe what faith could do. My God proved Himself faithful. My God showed Himself true.

Then I cried on my knees in desperation, in realizing that more than the promises, I long for the Promise-Keeper. There's nothing more that I want in my life right now than Him. I breaks my heart to realize that day by day I could not do it, that everyday of my life I got to face the consequences of my sin. I hated life that way, it seemed living as if I never knew God. 

"It is impossible for you to love me with all of your heart, mind and soul." He told me. Breaking in tears, once again, I insisted that I can, if I would just give my 100%.
"You can't. You know why? Your default as a human is to sin. Your ways of discovering life is sinful, contradicting to my statutes, my decrees." He explained. It broke all of me hearing the truth. That I cannot do it myself. That it is really impossible. That we need a Savior.

"So why am I still pursuing, You, O God, if I am nothing but an eyesore to You?" I argued. "So what am I suppose to do?"

So what should I really do?

"How can you love someone without knowing the one you love?"

And once again, I am reminded that love is a decision. An every day commitment of spending time to know the other party in good and bad times. And I love because He loved us first. That His love is perfect; nothing in this world could ever separate me from His love, His grace, His goodness. He is God no matter what. That everything that He is makes Him the only one who can save and redeem us from our fallenness. This is why it is said in the bible that, "in our weakness, we are made perfect in Christ." He is not intimidated by the things that we do or not do, for it does not add or lose value to who He is. Jesus is the final authority, his final act gives victory.  

I am in awe to recall how His grace helped to live in newness. Everyone wants that. But not everyone knows how to. Yes, you can go somewhere far away or buy new things or do new things to cover all you never wanted. But no one can ever renew who you are just like the newness in Christ that assures, secures, affirms and hopes. 

He is a good, good Father. He is someone I choose to trust despite the things that I see. Even when it hurts, He is good. Even when it's hard, He is good. Even when it all falls apart, He is good. He give and take away - He alone has the power to do it. I know I am in good hands with all these travails I am going through. 

And I thank God for bringing me on my knees, experiencing this desperation for Him. Because if there is something that I don't want to happen, that is to lose my devotion for Him.  

Draw near to God and He will also draw near to you.

Hi. A song for you. Hahaha. Kbye.

One day, makanta man jud nako ni. One day, kantahon jud nako ni nimo. Ambot kinsa ka pero huwata. Ambot pero nindot jud ang kanta. Ug unta lang dili ka Ninja. :)

"Siguraduha Dong ug maninuod man ka

Kay ug gugma ang isturhayah ta

Wa jud ko gaduwa duwa

Kay ang akong gipangita bana

Wa koy panahon s'pacute-cute

Wa koy panahon s'mga joke joke"

Plan. Path. Promise.

The story of Joshua in the Book of Deuteronomy chapter 3 tells us that God has a plan for us, He gives us the path how to achieve it, and that though along the process we are called to obey something we don't understand He is giving us a promise. 

I believe God is building our confidence in Him in this kind of season. He is building our faith that whatever comes from His mouth shall not come back to Him void and empty. His word will accomplish something in us causing every impossibility lose it's image.

Forget the past.  Forget your incapabilities. Forget your hurt. Leave all your baggages at the foot of the cross and receive the easy yoke and light burden Jesus is offering us. Trusting Him in this journey. We are to live til the end of time bringing the word from the beginning to existence. Victory.

It is finished.

Celebrate life.

Someday you'll be proud of me, Teach. :)

#WWHT

Who would have thought that I would be pursuing people like this. Getting determined that ever to invite people to know about the taste and see the goodness of the Lord. Choosing the vision to see these people love God over the temporary shame, rejection, & discouragement the world will throw.

I don't if this is only a season, but I'd like to make the most of it. I'd like to take chances of sharing what I know is worth it. I'd like to take part in the advancement of God's Kingdom. I want to give the best shot in the purpose which I was made for. That even if this is a passing season, this heart for helping the people knowing and following Jesus will remain. I count it all as loss these things that seems good and fit, to have Jesus in my life.

I guess this is going to be my life: Jesus before anything, above everything, and even when there's nothing. Seasons will bring adventure. Ups and Downs. Tears & Laughter. Wholeness  Brokenness. Rise and Fall. And with all these, I believe our faith is going to be firm, strong and complete in Christ Jesus. He is good. He brings nothing that we can not overcome, for He first came to the world to overcome death.

Who would have thought this is how much He gave for us... for me. Who would have thought His heart was everything in the eyes of goodness. Who would have thought He wanted us to live a life in the fullness of grace. Who would have thought He loves us this much in our wickedness & wretchedness.

Who would have thought that there's someone out there who cares so much.

Who would have thought I can pursue someone with this care that is so powerful.

Who would have thought...

It's really hard to hold on to great things when we're not founded to something much greater.

Hi, it's May (me)!