Failures

well you see, i failed my final grades in my accounting subjects. i don't want to resent over those mind-*(&(*% event but its just that, now, i can't get over it that easily. who could've? that one simple mistake i eventually committed, made my entire life as of now change. i believe its going to be difficult because i chose it myself, i did it myself. i was never thought about getting serious about that matter thinking my parents' sacrifices were of no joke. i'm having self-pity 'ayt now. i'm angry at myself. i really don't understand why can't i be good. i found ways so i can be one but i can't apply it as easy as that. i want blessings that's why i'm trying to do all these good deeds in life. hypocrite? i do think i am. my friend told me that i must examine my intentions when i come to Him. all this time, i thought i was sincere, but it all summed to be something like: i'm doing this not because i want Him, but i want something to Him. I'm worse. I know. Did I seem to someone like an antagonist? i think it suits me. though, serves me right? yea. i want to make myself take the responsibility of what i did. something i like: suffer to death? no, no! HAHA. i don wanna die yet. there's still things i wanna do. i still want to fulfill this little dream inside me, and somehow that is, to be a one real Christian. i was thinking a while ago: maybe, i should transfer somewhere else, where i know no one and no one know me - something like that. but an argument popped up into that speaking mind and told me, "it isn't the end yet. see that it's part of that new beginning you just had started to", beats me! you know, there's a lot of things in life that i do not understand, a part of it are things that i do not want to know, things i wanna discover my own and things that i do not want to understand. yea. I do not want to understand. sound stubborn right? another "i guess i am". to think, i am powerful enough to control my life after all is a great thing isn't it? but the fact that you no longer lives within your life right now and must be abiding with this rules that seems to be like really killing you, something like you're going to be the same with the other, that no unique individuality maybe yielded, is something like: crazy! last year, i encountered Jesus through this retreat. i was taught about the TRUTH and i feel like accepting them that much. (i am quarreling much again right?) knowing that He did all those things i never mind to apprehend, i surrendered myself to Him. it took me pressures to understand that changes is not that as much as possible, it really needs time. i was someone who wished to be perfect but came out to be something uncool. i should've known, i should kept my mouth shut when someone ask me a favor. i was wondering if i became bitter. i was wondering if whether i am deserving to be called a Christian when in fact i am someone who is small of faith. i lie to myself. i deceive myself. i lie to others. i lie to those whom i really love. i really need to think about things right? i do not mean to have fun, but to reflect of all the things i did over the 2nd semester, why i am deserving of that failure. i need to stand up - that was my decision. failures were given for us to be better and grow. i am terrified somehow. i am afraid to face another fall. i keep wishing to die but now, i just can't. i guess i really need to reflect for the time being. i mustn't forget the things HE taught me for the incoming half a year. i am not frustrated about being a failure, but i feel the guilt on the nerves and it really sucks. >.< sigh. i still have summer anyways to, have fun? nah. i must be sad. no, i need not. it's going to be fine, now's not alright, but definitely, it will be given to me. :) Yes, yes. I am going to be worthy.