Just a few more minutes...

Yes, just a few more minutes and...

A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

A new year of journey. A new year of chances. A new year of choices. A new year to grow. And a new year to learn. And right after welcoming 2014, just a few tick tocks reaching a minute, it will become just another day to all of us.

As days continue to reveal what's life, it shows what also it can offer. I've been experiencing anxiety for sometime now due to my continual mistakes, yet this year-end tells me something greater.

SAY GOODBYE TO ANY LIMITATION. IT'S TIME TO MOVE FORWARD. IT'S TIME TO LEAVE THE GLORIOUS PAST BEHIND.

Time continues to run to welcome the brand new year. And it makes my heart quiver in fear. It makes my limbs shake to think all of my responsibilites and those that I want to do. Looking back, I've done nothing significant or great. I have been passive.

2014. It gives me hope that I can change. I may not be able to redeem myself from all of my mistakes, but Jesus, Jesus is my hope and salvation to all of it. 

A few more minutes and it's building up - walls, chains, darkness. But as strong as the fireworks sound around, it'll also be the time I'll be freed from all that imprisons me. Through Jesus, the walls, the veil, the chains d, and the darkness shall all be broken.

Nothing can stand against nor stop God's love for me and to you.

Thank You, Lord. I will praise and worship you to all of my days! Praise the Lord!

Year-end Buddies

It's sad to feel sad.

Really, why do I feel this way? This feeling has been bugging me since yesterday. I can't say if I'm just tired from all of the activities yesterday or I'm just sad from the pressure of the world.

You see, I have this friend who asked me why do I feel so indifferent when it comes to topic about romantic relationships. He speculated that I am still hooked up with my past relationship and that kind'a offended me. I mean, just because I am not entertaining even a drop of romantic relationship in the scene, I am still hooked up with my past relationship? Gimme a break! Can't it be just because I have decided it myself to never do the same mistake all over again - waking up love when it's not yet time? You see, if I must tell you, I have been chasing love back then and because it's not yet ripen when I started to consume it, and it tasted bitter-sweet. I am not bitter nor I am not anymore hooked up with my past. I have just decided myself that there's still things available for me to achieve, to see, to enjoy which I won't be able to when I get tangled already - and of course, that's already a different story. Well what I am saying is that, my priorities are already set. I can't let it distract me when I know it's not yet time. Beside, if it's really time, it can wait - romance under the moonlit can will always come with chances always bigger and brighter. I am not enforcing this principle that I am currently standing nor imposing that this is what's better. I am fully aware that we always have a different calling, different visions, missions and priorities. Thus, this is what I have decided. If it comes to you early, then probably it's your time and not mine. We might not understand each other when it comes to this kind of matter but what's great about it is that, you who have decided to meet destiny makes me aware of the things about it and I who is still waiting will be someone who could be counted to have a role of guarding destiny's intimacy. That's the irony of life. It might be painful, but it's always beautiful in it's own way.

Anyway, God is my portion. He is all that I need. Nothing more, nothing less. There's nothing to prove to the world. God is enough. He's got purpose to each one. And that's greater than we could want to feel.

December has finally coooome!

I wasn't able to have my first December post last December 1st... *sob sob
I think I was busy that time thinking... Yeah, that habit of thinking...  Anyway, December came to me off guard.

Anyways, need to find my wallet. I can't find it. I don't want things in rush now, specially that I've got a ton of assignments to finish and a heap of things to study. Considering I only have 3 subjects left yet why do I seem so busy that I think everything could not fit in my 24 hours? Or am I that sleeping to much? Daydreaming too much?

Or what?

Afk fella. :)

Because I'm a Dog...errr... Wolf lover.

Try reading this manga! For all those who loves dogs to be at their side, try reading this cuuute and awesome Jiujiu. Although there were some who said that the ending wasn't just upright, yet still, let's wait until it really gets into our nerves. For, lez just enjoy the moment reading the current scanlations of this manga.

Relaaaaate much~

Many (manga)

The female protagonist reminds me of how selfish I am when it comes to my friends. Seeing it from another perspective makes me think: I think it's cute, not bad at all. But really, this story from Tsutsumi Kakeru is cute. Another oneshot from him, Nekomori, feels: man this is literally cuuuuute.

For November!

Gray moments

It's been a while, isn't it? 

Christmas is coming.
I am aging.
I sense pimples,
how can i get rid of it?

Time sure runs fasts. I don't know if it's because I'm 21 or I'm just aware of how everything moves around me now as part of the group called adults. 

There are things that I wanted to do, but I just don't know how. And there are things I am expected to do but I don't want to. There are things that by this age, I must've understood. And there are still certain things that I avert my gaze because simply I just don't want to believe. There are also these things that I should do but I wonder why I can't do it. I have plenty of time left for a half season before I end University yet why do I feel something's lacking? Things like these, really burdens me.

You see, it all started when I found out my spiritual gifts and what was His message to me after that. My gifts were not as special as I want it to be. Yet still He told me to get humble. Like, what was that? And everything after that went floating in the sea. Everything seemed to shut inside of me. I felt broken, disappointed, hurt and bad. I am a bad kid after all. I just want to be special 'ya know and that's all.

"Did you even make Me dear to your heart? Have you even separated a portion specially for Me? You are not able to get what you want because You are not even trying to get all of those. You make this picture: You talking to Me while hesitating to cross a line which you, yourself drew.  Did you get it? Child, all this time, I have been listening to you. I have been faithful as you have testified. But aren't you excited to see what else can I give you? I know your prayers but I want you to be devoted in it; tell me specifically, dearly, passionately, what you want. I love you and I withhold nothing to my beloved."

Things dug deeply inside me,
what might those things be?
Hasty malicious human emotions,
you make a lot of hysteric notions.

Like a mad man running,
without looking he fell drowning,
in the pool of sinking mud -
suffocating, it's heavy and dark.

I count one and two and three
and I heard the sharp noise seek.
With a speed faster than lightning,
it hits my heart half-finished beating.

The rest of the moment went gray,
the world stopped and I see decay.
I stared long with skeptic eyes,
I remember the burning dark lies.

Tears from heaven began to gush
I saw a reflection behind the bars
along with the kind speaking wind
I realized it was me on a pint.

While making this poem out of the tempest, I saw this vision of me facing myself. The distance between us was about enough to sense we both are breathing. Then this other person of me moved its hand to close both of my eyes and the other free hand holding my cold hands. That feeling that right after that moment, you know the person holding you. So gentle, full of peace, kindness, love and security. Tears started to warm my cheeks and I mouthed words - pain, sorrow, longing, questions, disappointments, fear, thanksgiving, praise, worship. Undoubtedly, this is Someone your flesh and soul jointly knows well.

And no one can ever do that except Him.

Yes, Him. Jesus.

"Stand on your convictions - guided by the Holy Spirit, crowned with wisdom that comes from the Father, and an abounding love that blossoms from me [Jesus]. Go on, do not be afraid. We'll take things together."

Cause my comfort would prefer me to be numb and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

CS Lewis, Brooke Fraser

"So as this journey comes to an end and you'll begin your next, know that you were meant for greatness, and for good. They won't be easy and certainly not quick, it may take you your entire life to fulfill what it is that you are meant to do. But every step will put you closer. Every experience will prepare you for the next. Every failure will lead you into your success. You'll be tested in ways you can't imagine but I have confidence that you will prevail; that you will see you dreams come to forwishen. And that you will leave your mark, your legacy on this world."

- an excerpt from the movie THIS IS OUR TIME.

A girl's heart should be so lost in God that a guy must seek Him to find her.

Guards up!

I missed this! Blogging midnight with thoughts I can't even understand.

You see, I don't want to fall in love. No, not yet.

I have stated my standards already and as of now, I can't say that I deserve that someone if ever I already met him by chance.

It's been troubling me ever since the church has been opened with this kind of issue. Well, it's not like it's not a godly relationship but rather unusual. I grew up with those people focused about the well being of the church. And here goes these people strangled on their relationships as opposite sex.

I won't understand unless I wore and walk on their shoes. True.
And I don't want that.
No, not yet.

Priorities.

Dreams.

There's just so much I wanted to do and enjoy, and I believe that something like won't help me in achieving what I really wanted to do. It's troubling, awkward, tempting, annoying or envy. I'm still not up for that. I still want to learn more, move more, see for myself that I am doing what I wanted to do for the longest time.

But what do I want to do?

What is my cause?

If I were to evaluate my priorities, my family comes first and then my dream. My dream to become a versatile visual artist and inspire and tell the world that THIS IS BECAUSE OF FAITH; BECAUSE OF GOD.

But whenever I try recalling this, His voice never fails my hearing: PUT GOD FIRST. 
My priority, it should have been like that.

After a long journey, I have met this message again, PUT ME FIRST - in everything. I remember the sermon a while ago: IF YOU TRUST GOD FOR YOUR SALVATION, WHY WON'T YOU TRUST HIM WITH YOU LIFETIME PARTNER THEN? So this goes out for all the youths out there impatience to know WHO MIGHT IT BE.

But you know, one thing I realized in this journey is that, guarding your heart is really hard. Really, really hard. Specially when faces are the same? Fickles and Flings are inevitable, unstoppable. But what can you do?

Stand on your ground. You need not to stoop a level just to make it all even. No, you have your own calling and you need to stand on it. In everything, God has allowed things to happen in our life so that we may see how much He wanted us to be accounted as righteous. He allows us to experience it not just because He wanted us to be stronger but also He wants us to understand that there is no impossible to things we believe we deserve to have.

You and I have differences yet what makes it beautiful is how we fit in each other's holes.

I am not bitter. I might be afraid. But what is clear to me right now is that I have to fight for my top priority. And when the time comes when I need to face what I am most afraid of, then I believe I have been trained well to be able to be in a threshold in facing it.

There's just so much that I don't understand yet but I will wait, for my hope is in the Lord. 

For September :)

Hi October! My university days are really counted.

Happy 21st, Rau.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."

"A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you."

"In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct your path."

"If you have felt hopeless, hold on! Wonderful changes are going to happen in your life as you begin to live it on purpose."

"God is preparing you for greater things."


 

#psalm23 #psalm91 #proverbs3 #rickwarren

Twenty One

I know He's carrying out His promises into fulfillment. I see it coming true. Yet my eyes still couldn't believe it. My heart says to never fall for it again but His faithfulness shows.

For twenty one years, You have protected me. For twenty one years, you have been with me. For twenty one years, You are always waiting and calling for me. You never left me. You always held my hand even. You have always been my mentor. You have always left a word inside me, vague but has always been in front of me.
 
Thank You for the gift of life. Thank you for Your promises true. Thank You for making me grow. Thank You for changing me. Lord, it's time for me to bring back the favor to You. Let me share the opportunity of having a relationship with You to others. Help me discern your guidance.

My heart leaps with joy. An unexplainable feeling that it I am who I am. Whatever struggles I am in, I am victorious. No matter how the enemy tries to conceal You away from me, I will always come back to You, I know I will, always. The enemy will always get me in the wrong path, wrong thinking, wrong living. But Your Spirit will never depart me, Your light will always be my guiding path. 

I will fear no evil for Thou art with me.

Thank You because we will continue. 
Thank You because we will get strong. 
Thank You because we will meet soon.

That moment when that someone you love smiles back at you. Awww~

Kaichou's done. I've seen the raw already. Waaai. Usui and Misaki looks good together, both successful. And Aoi... so handsoooome! Hahaha.

One Piece! Hahaha.

I feel like my days are counted... Sigh. A few days from now, I'm turning 21 alreadyyy. I feel like shouting: CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE STOP THE TIME? Well it's not like I hate it but I feel like it's telling me, this time, face to face, to ACT MY AGE; to leave the things I should have left for a serious span of time already...

This is serious...

Really...

An outbreak...

I'm getting olderrrr! HAHAHA.

Thinking over

Say, have I not given everything I held onto for me to feel this way?

I kind'a feel unfair here. Saying that to others so casually,

Believe and it will happen; Doubt and you'll never find it.

When will I become immune with Your ways? I know it's good. I know that You have said to believe - even if there's no reason to, because You are faithful and Your Word will never fade away. I wanted too, You know that. But I'm scared, once again. When will letting go become my strength, tell me. I want to trust You but it becomes hard when I always deal with it. I know that You have different ways of bringing us up, You have different ways in dealing with us. Forgive me for feeling envious. I know I'm not the victim here but it kind'a sucks when I wanted to say "I've been there..." but it never worked. I guess it's not for me? Well yeah, maybe there's time constraint. But I don't want to believe in it again. It reminds me of the pain that it's not for me "again". And again, I wanted to just run away. Run, run, run into a far away land where everything seems fine. I don't wanna face troubles, consequences, failures, pain, struggles. I know that I still got rooms for it but for now, I had enough. I'm sorry for being an unlovable and ungrateful child. I'm sorry for always ranting this kind of fever to you again and again and again.

I just wanted to get healed, my Lord. I just wanted You in my life.

I know the pain and I can feel it. :/ Let it all out. No one wants you to suppress loneliness. No one wants you to keep depression alone. I'd rather see you breakdown in tears than know you pretend all day long. Cry until the pain the goes away. Cry if you see it necessary. Know that there are people who cries with you. They have been always beside you. Tears are beautiful. Just like diamonds, they shine in the dark. I love you.

A message for my cousin, Charm.

Gushing thoughts

You see, I was hovering over Regina Spektor's songs and wondered what were the meanings behind her songs. Of course, I was in hope, crossing fingers, that she be like Brooke Fraser. So you know what I mean? Her songs were lovely. Ever since I started hearing her songs way back years ago, that was Fidelity, I wanted more of her music. I'm always interested with the different kind beat, rhythm, melody, and all that it makes me tap my fingers or make my feet move. I read one comment from youtube, it asked why singers like Regina Spektor don't get that famous. Well, I too, asked that because I like her music. Then just today, I was seriously browsing about, not entirely her profile, but at least, things that could give me a hunch of how she does her item.

"She's a Russian Jew, whose family immigrated to the Bronx in 1989 for religious freedom." 

As stated by this site, I was not satisfied, so I looked into things that might actually answer my curiosity and bumped into this site where it happened to subjective interpretations of her song. One stated that, not because she's a Jew her songs can be labeled to as a Christian song... something like that. And I remembered what my Discipler said when we were having our one on one, she said that, music was created by God. And there's nothing to argue about it. Everything he made is good. So its upon the discretion of the one being entrusted with such gift in music how they will use it. Just like our lives, we are given the choice, the freedom, the free will, as to how we want it to have. And He is just always there. Setting aside the topic, I remembered a verse that goes like, "Salvation came first to the Jews, then to the Gentiles." And I was like, really God! No matter how people, lets say His beloved Jews, try to forget about You, there's no escaping in Your love!

If you happen to read the site I linked above, you will know why I am telling you this kind of realization. Or maybe, you might receive a different message. I don't know if it's better than mine. But one thing's sure, that is God's message JUST FOR YOU. That just can always have its forms - simple or grand, name it! That's something to expect from a God. Example was while on my way to the mall. It's already a familiar scene to me to see a traffic enforcer manipulating the way while dancing (yes, I'm serious, they're dancing) but today's Just so different. I stared, for quite sometime while waiting for our turn to proceed, to the traffic enforcer and just declared: How great are you Lord! Look at their hands, being able to communicate in traffic code which I can't understand but sure it's fun to see. Specially you see them smile, it makes you wanna greet them: Howdy Sire!

I'm amazed at how Regina makes her songs. At first, I perceived that some of her songs were lacking something, like experience, or something like it's the kind that it out of the blue. Being led to make such music, genius isn't it? I've always wanted to know the motives of her songs and guess what she said...

"Spektor says she can't explain the meaning behind any of her songs, because she doesn't so much write them as much as let them happen." 

Amazed? Another thing that amused me was the next statements to this...

One recent example is "The Call," her contribution to the soundtrack for the 2008 movie The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. "I'd been asked to write things before, and it always feels uninspired, wrong," she explains. However, she continues, the moon looked a certain way when she stepped out of the private Caspian screening in midtown. She checked her voice mail, and her friends had cancelled the cocktails they were supposed to meet up for, so she walked all the way home, went straight to her piano, and discovered the tear-jerking chorus: "You'll come back when it's over/No need to say goodbye." She sent a demo off to the folks at Disney, and three days later, she was flown first-class to London to record the song with a full orchestra for the movie's finale sequence. "It was one of the most pure things that ever happened to me," she says.

I was theorizing that God purposely did it that way because He wanted to fill His presence in that gap. No matter who are the people will He use doesn't matter, nor how the music shall be played. Music. He created it. And no matter how you see it, only the Master Creator is the only who knows how to use it well. It's no good to stay passive or leave things the way it should be. We are given the freedom to use everything, so why not use every resources, privileged given to know Him more? Remember that when you draw yourself near to God, He will draw Himself close(r) to you. This loophole thing reminds me of how God enters in our lives; on how he wanted so much of our attention everyday.

Try indulging yourself with Regina Spektor's Laughing With and tell me your insights about it. This was really controversial to me until I read the whole lyrics and realizations started gushing out in me. Mine would be summarized with:
 

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV)

 

Graudation Pictorial: Glitz and Glam!

Just when I thought that was enough

So it's still not enough?

Was the thing I surrendered the wrong thing? When you said to put You first in everything, did you mean to surrender everything else? I just don't understand. I want to get angry but I'm just confused and I just can't comprehend what's happening.

My heart's all fussed and messed up. I want to cry. I want to understand. I want to know. What am I suppose to do? Where's my salvation for this? If by chance, I'll be able to get a disciple, will I be able to be someone who deserves to dream as what my dream is?

Someone enlighten me. I just heard something I actually don't want to hear. I thought someone will comfort me and encourage me all through out, though that was just a clearer message from the still messages He had and has for me. I heard myself sound like a fool telling what's withing me but the message confronted me: Discern.

When I heard that, everything seemed to fall apart. So after, it's not for me eh?

...

The Next Big Thing (Summit)

Before August left, I was able to meet awesome beings! 

Jen Gerodias-Diaz. A cosmetic entrepreneur - founder and CEO of Snoe Beauty Inc., which is soon to be launched internationally, spoke about her journey with Snoe in the yellow road, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz did.

Ralph Manalo Wunsch. Founder and CEO of MetroDeal.com, an online selling site like Amazon and Ebay, which is nationally acclaimed, speaks how competitive nowadays to use the internet as means in business.

Leeroy New.A designer and an artist. He is basically a sculptor and turns out to be a versatile artist. He engages with international transactions from his abstract, distort and practical art works.

I am able to meet these people because of Pat. I was bothered by her missed calls and a message: call or text me when you're done. To know that she wanted me to grab the opportunity to join the summit, to know that she'll pay for it, and to know that she won't be coming with us (I am with Daryll). Of course I was a bit: whuuut?! But she hopeful of meeting Leeroy, a co-artist of the photographers (everywhere we shoot) she admire. And due to work constraints, she won't be able to come and thus passed that chance to me and Dar.

I was actually shock. But she always wanted to join summits, conferences, seminars like this. Actually I don't know why she wanted to but if you were to ask me, I want to be inspired to carry one and move, to believe and to be able to work "what you really want to," as they say.

Amongst the speakers, I was more into Leeroy's speech. Just as you know, arts really interest me. I know people say there's no money in it but, practically speaking, but as I see things from people who are working devotedly with passion, money comes to them, follow them, rather than 
be those who comes after money. Actually, I am not after money when I think I can be able to do what I really desired the most, to share my talent and inspire just lots of people out there who might be disappointed from their current status.

Well I can't say. I might just be someone regular. But I can also be someone who can be special. I don't know where I'll be going, I don't actually know what road to choose right now. All I know is that I see roads beyond. I am still walking and contemplating, with a branch on my hand brushing it like a maestro, whistling and sometime taking a glimpse of the sky bounded by the trees in the corners of my eyes.

Actually I was not really as excited as I was before. After the summit, I was thinking, asking Him if that's what He wants me to take part. Rather, I was challenged to really pursue arts in the future. I don't know which field I'll be taking in but I want to be as versatile as Leeroy, as much as possible. He was most linked to sculpture, and from there, ideas grew and branched his creativity into fashion, architectural and alike.

"I didn't want to be like him," I spoke to Pat and Dar while dinning. "I'll be a competitor."

I am considering industrial designs you know. I wanted to utilize what has been eminent and developed in me ever since. Leeroy was just so blessed to start his career when he's still in highschool - enjoying art at all cost. 

He has his portfolio is found with this site: http://leeroynew.com/
 
All of them faced risks, difficulties and criticisms. These people went through instances I believe which they reached the peak of having none. Ms. Jen, actually confessed about a time when she was really at lost yet she needs to continue. And she decided to invest it all. With hesitations and fear, I guess bugging her, she believed that God won't leave her after all she's gone through. And that was accounted to her. And look at Snoe now. Slowing climbing the international cosmetic competition.

"It does not matter how fast you get there," Ms. Jen speaks of the issue of using wealth as means of achieving the position where she is right now. "What really matters is you reach it."

"You are compelled to be inspired..." says Leeroy. This statement came after the question of how can you make profit of arts since its been a compartmentalized mentality in the locale that there's no money in it. So as to speak, Leeroy said that he was there not because of entrepreneurship or anything, he was there to speak art and just share about it.

I might not be a genius nor I have all the resources I need, but someday, somehow, I'll be able to reach it. I just need to take it slow, easy and never forget to enjoy every opportunity given to me. So just wait. I'll be able to meet what I'm supposed to meet, someday. Someday. Those desires will just collide with each other. Someday.

"If we walk far enough," said Dorothy, "I am sure we shall sometime come to some place." (Wizard of Oz by Lyman Frank Baum)

2 is better than 1

You can always say what you want. You can always speak what's in your mind. Others won't understand. And it's not a problem. Because they won't anyway.

Different perspectives fill that disadvantageous gap. It creates a brand new and different way of thinking and looking things, that only 2 or more persons can see. "A pass can never be a pass without other parties."

Others do not see our strength, and so we are to them.
Others do not understand our weakness, and so we are to them.

But what's amazing with these facts are, when it collides, things what we don't know about them and what they don't know about us, it becomes a strong tie that intertwines every possible space that could create a hole.

It's never a bad to let others know how we perceive things, and that's how I think of it. It's their problem anyway if they see it annoying or what; but that's just how I deal with myself. It a wonderful privilege isn't it?

I don't know how to express myself here, but my point really is, speak yourself. If they accept it, then good. If they don't, well its not like you're convincing them. And if they correct you, be thankful and accept it. You can not fill the holes - your weaknesses, alone. You need God, you  need others. That's how we are amazingly created. To be able to fill other's gap, and be filled in return. 

I love your soul.

Deafening Silence

Monochrome

Psalm 58

You are deciphering me

Exams are coming but I'm into editing. Huehuehue. I was planning on putting quotes for all of the pictures but it seems it's better like this. I don't know but I really appreciate what I have done. I'm sorry for making myself as the model. I didn't have anyone. And I don't have a proper camera. I usually take photos of the sky, just a hobby, until recently... 

Photos speak memories. Still photos convey messages. Visual images make you decipher.

I know its not spectacular, splendid, nor excellent. But I trust my guts when I say its beautiful. I might be someone who's confined in a monochrome world, and doesn't know how to react with colors. But I see. I can see.

Anyways, time sure flies fast. On the 10th of September is already the University's Graduation Pictorial. Excited? I don't know but I just wanna be at my best in the photo. I just wanna spend the remaining days at college, so remarkably beautiful.

I'm stepping into a new world. A new decade, another flourishing journey to get into. If there's one reason to be excited, that is be my reason. I don't know what's to come but I sure will be walking and waiting - even if it means I might get lost, I know I will just come back right on track - and meet my destiny. I think when I walk. I always do that, sure it's some wisdom stuck in my sleeves. I'm already knotted in my red tie of destiny, so no matter what happens, I know for sure, someday, I will.

The thrill of this journey gives me chills, and it makes me wanna look forward to it. I'm excited. Yes, for an unknown reason, unknown grounds, unknown future. This travel is gonna be worth it. Thank You, Lord. I trust You for Your plans for me, and for all the people around me. I give back all the glory and honor to Your name! I am so grateful for Your presence my Lord, and that is beyond words of thanksgiving.

The pavement is already done, all we have to do is run a good fight in faith. I say, patience and work, it's a good combo before the Lord comes!

Tears stream down your face... I'll fix you.

I don't understand myself

I treasure people. I really cherish them much. To the extent of holding them tightly in my hands.

I do not know how to balance.

All I know is black and white.

Extremes.

"Rau, I miss you." Pat said.

We were inside the van full of our kuyas and ates when she whispered those words. I was shock. I was happy. It was as if, I was avoiding her for an unknown reason. And it feels like, "what have I done?"

I was thinking when she messaged me at facebook (just a while ago) that music was really reuniting us. In someway or another. I don't know. But that's how I see it right now. We were jamming with friends inside the church when we realized, we were cherish HS memories.

Well yeah, HS memories. Too old. Too old.

I wanted to have memories with those people I really care for with the present, with something I can say it just happened recently. And of course, that would be hard when people around you is more entertaining than you. You can never catch attention when you just sit and decide to never step out where you are.

It's my attitude. I do not interfere relationships. I admit that even it hurts, I don't speak because it would such be selfish of me to do meddling things again. And I know I had it to the extreme. And I must say I do not know how to put it in a way, I can also enjoy.

You might say I always think of other people or how considerate I am. But I think I'm just protecting myself from getting hurt. I easily get hurt. I cry and laugh easily over petty things. And that's my weakness. Because I can't deceive what my own eyes can see, I run away.

I stop communicating to people.

And just so you know, it hurts so much. And I just want to tell you that I am afraid of loneliness. I might seem strong and introvert for others but I have enough of being alone. I wanted to be left alone but I don't want it. That's the battle inside me. Ironic isn't it?

I feel grateful when she said those words but I can find my heart saying: Hey, you've found great ones to spend most of your time. I confess I am selfish with relationships that is why my doors are always close. Only those people who dare to bang in can enter my circle and really know the me.

Sigh. How hard will I become?

Though it really surprised me. It's just that my gratitude isn't that much developed.

And P.S.
DictoComp was harsh to me today. I didn't like it but I find it really interesting.

I am also encountering the same problem with Diwa, a friend I used to blogged here. Sorry for being to emotional right now. Girl thing. And I just need to know and deal this thing. If its not in blogging, nothing will ever come out from my mouth.

My friends are my treasures. My family is my oasis. I know there's still golds and diamonds along the way, scattered and waiting to be dug-out, someday I'll be that someone who is able enough to careful knock those big hard walls and found those gems lying beneath.



#selfishnessdoesnotmakeusbeautiful 

Even extremes can have its downside whether you like it or not. Why can't I weigh things properly?

When Saul becomes David

When Saul becomes David.

Previously, I have posted about finding ourselves in the shoes of Saul. And somewhere in the process, we have also found out how gracious and merciful our God looks at us even in the dark, darker, and darkest of us.

Now let us look at that struggle in David's perspective. I believe it's no coincidence that what we are going through can be of 2 perspective. After all, everything is in the Master-plan.

Just as every tear we shed God has a counter plan for it. The same goes with our struggles. Here's a message in a different perspective with what we are struggling:

When God rebukes us, it's painful and we tend to misunderstand what is happening around us. But over all, His message goes down like this: Be faithful even at the least. Makes sense? It's easy to show how we can be faithful and be grateful in great happenings. So God wants (and I guess expects) us to have the same vigor, when facing difficulties. He's got His reasons for our struggles you know.

He wants to get rid of something isn't right in our life right now - mentality, principle, thoughts, actions, etc..

He wants us to pray, to communicate with Him.

He wants us to get back on track.

He wants us to grow spiritually.

He wants us to receive the blessings He wants us to have.

He wants to us Himself under different situation - of how big HE can be.

He wants to tell us: Hey, I am here.

He wants to tell us: I don't care of your past, of who you are, nor how dirty you are.

He wants to tell us: This is how much I love you, child.

Our obedience requisites awesome things! Here's a concise statement of our obedience:

So children of God, let us not be afraid to face the truth to what has become of us. Let's stop deceiving ourselves that we are fine, alright, awesome, or okay. It's okay to admit we are not. It won't hurt if you tell it to anyone. Just like crying. It doesn't mean when you cry over something or someone, you are weak - rather, it means you are brave enough to let go what seems to be controlling you.

When your eyes start to see things like Saul, divert your attention and look up to God just like David. 

Yes, just like David.

You are the man after God's heart.

Come in Power!

God was with David so Saul developed jealous eyes on him. The more Saul realized that God was with David in everything he did, the more he became terrified and anxious of David.
It's good if you were on David's position, but what if you were on Saul's? Can you be acquitted from all the evil plans you have tried against him? Can you find resolution, a chance to change, when all you are is full of insecurities? (1 Samuel 18, 19)
Jesus said: I am the way, the truth, and the life. So when we find ourselves in the depths of anguish just like Saul's - a terrified and anxious soul, remember to come to Jesus. Because He, Himself testified that no one (else) can have the access into that vacuum we are into except Him, the Father. No one (else) knows the truth about who we really are, what we are going through, how's our day, or where are we today except Him, the Father. And no one (else) can ever have enough courage to tell you constructively the truth of what has become of you, with of course, remedies to offer. (John 14)
Just because Saul ended his life in the old testament in such a hard way doesn't mean he didn't have any reconciliation with God or something. I believe God loved Saul and he didn't want to make Saul do any ridiculous things that's why He decided to let him be in the hands of the enemies.
God is much much much graceful and merciful than before. We are now living in the generation where God loves everyone for every reason! So when we're headed for a fall or we're already knocked down, He'll let you stand and make you continue the journey of life. There's so much more of it and we just have to realize it. No need to decipher any codes behind everything but just simply appreciate how everything works for you.
In the end, God wants us to come back to Him. No matter how bad, no matter how dirty, how coward, how selfish we see ourselves. He wants us back. After all, Jesus came into the world for this very reason - reconciling us with the Father in a very easy way. It might be hard; the enemy whisper lies and you entertain deceits but: Don't let your hearts be troubled, God is to the rescue! He left us the Holy Spirit to be the Advocate of leading us to where we should be really heading, to who's side we should be walking with. And that is beside, side by side, following, being protected, and carried by Jesus.

Something great to post for August?

What do you think?

Hmmm.

I just realized that I don't have any recent album in facebook. I mean, it doesn't actually matter but you know, photographs tell the whole story, speak words can never describe and emotions hidden in reality.

Things beyond are things over understanding. Full of mystery, thrill and adrenalin. But somewhere, somehow, it feels strange. We become afraid of uncertainty. Just as we have started to walk believing everything is going to be exciting, in small bits it breaks apart.

Anyways, Intramural is coming on the first week of September. Time flies sure fast! And a few months apart from this semester, I'll bid my farewell as a student; and hola big gold world!

I don't know how I'll end myself with a few things. I mean, I want, no, I need to say goodbye to it if I have to say it. I'm not getting any younger you know? There are specially few things that I need to know and be able to do already as a young adult.

I want to be a beautiful blooming flower after I graduate. I want to explore myself in a bigger world. I want to soar higher knowing no limits in life.

Something like that... Only if I could.

I don't know what's in that kind of life that really interests me. I don't want no gold coins no crispy paper dollars for it. It's just that I want to do what I really wanted to do in life without any regrets. I want to live a life leaving the legacy "dreams do really come true" behind. I want people to continue to believe. To have faith. To keep holding into what they believe even if others are dumping every hope you prove to be.

That's how it works for me. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe this is just a wishful thinking but as long as I dare to dream, that this desire still burns inside me, that this hope is never fading, I'll never stop.

If it is in my time, then it is for God's glory. If it is not, it's not that it never or not meant for me, rather, God has a better plan - a greater plan for what I think is already great for me. And I'm looking forward.

I'm joining Dictocomp on my last 1st semester. I don't know about this competition much but it intrigues me like JSDHGIUSHDG - so I'm winning. I'm gonna win. I'm not sure nor confident but all I know is I want to win. It's something I think awesome. 
Loooord, lemme have this ooooooone pretty please?!
 

Off to retreat!

There are things better off not saying.
There are words better not to express.
There are wonders hard to explain.
And there is a love beyond understanding.

When things are so overwhelming, make a pause and look inside. You'll find something worth cherishing, worth remembering, and worth fighting. You might find reasons to quit, to be tired, to say you I am better along. But there will always be no reason why He won't let you go.

Its embarrassing when your mind play tricks on you.
I find it unfair when the heart even deceives you.
My soul gets weary and distressed yet so strong -
I don't understand but I don't give up, I don't want to.

A longing that only His desire can satisfy
tells me that I belong to a world beyond.
Beyond infinity, beyond what you believe,
beyond what everyone else can actually see.

The wonders of your creation
never fails to give me awe.
Your love for humanity
never ceased to end.

Oh how You love us.
Fill us with Your Spirit.
Make us stand in Your righteousness.
Give us courage and prudence.

You have been gracious to rise the sun.
The moon and the stars speaks your mercy.
Your breathe has been our life, our air;
You O Lord has nothing, no one to compare.

Find me when I get lost.
Help me when I can't stand.
Wipe away my tears when I am in despair.
Heal me when I am broken.

I have always have this hope
A confident hope that's never lose.
Even in the midst of the thick lonely rain forest,
it finds strength through the dews of dawn.

Make me stand on what You have taught.
Make Your words ring into my being.
Make me a vessel that overflows
Then I shall become Your channel.