Sentiments 101

Dear me,

Can you please make your day happy? Whenever you come and make an entry it's always drama. Do you realize it? Sigh. Why don't you make entries whenever you're happy too? Get a life. A happy life. Laugh. Love. Live.

Concerned citizen of your mystical, lunatic world,
Rau

Hahaha. As much as I'd like to, there's nothing wonderful to post. Yet. I don't know if it already passed by, happening without dropping by to say hi, or I just won't recognize it because my eyes are shrouded with much concerns in this world, which I'd like to say that doesn't concern me at all.

If only I could say that.

WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS?

The it's already a quarter of the year and I'm rolling my life in a very "beautiful" way. Please notice sarcasm.

So, what to do?
Listen to what He says.
Like, what is He saying?
You're being impatient.

Times like this, I wanna go back into being a child and just cuddle up to mom. That is, if I'd known about this, with this, will she care?

Yesterday, I was cleaning my room. I decided then to throw, even burn, stuffs that makes me stuck for like forever. I found accounting reviewers, old diary pieces, and other antics sorts of antics. I was reading those, just out of a spur. 

And guess what?

I was full of anime.

HAHAHHA. Is there anything new? I was expecting something something. Things like, how actually did I spent my days. Hahaha. That wasn't a catch at all. Boring life. What a boring kid! Hahaha. All I wrote was about anime and all, blah blah. Nothing but anime! Seriously. 

Well I have other entries just how a dear diary should be, but the most of it... the most of it... Anyway, as one of my entry said, I had this trait that whenever I feel forgetting something, or I feel like I wanted to be strong or far away, I watch anime. Just as I noticed it years ago, I brought it as, really, a bad habit to break.

And that's not good. No good at all. I don't want to fill my entire diary (literal and superficial) to be full of stories that actually doesn't exist! It makes life harder, you expect something from the impossible. Well, you know, that difference between impossible that has a remedy of hope, which is in the context of reality. And the impossible, that is, absolutely no way in this space and time is going to happen.

So mmmm. I need to do something about it.
A Radical Change.

Can I?

I want...

It...

I want to change. I want to be the one that is suppose to be me. And iisn't that 180 degrees turn of life navigation against your self controlled predictable life? Always and always facing the same course whenever encountering accounts that recalls negative ions in the universe.

Am I still speaking sense? Haha. I wish I could blog in ways that could stir excitement, curiosity, wander, interest and inspiration.

I will be one.

I will become one.

Years are still ahead of me.

It's never too late, I believe that, yet no one knows.

I'd still believe tho.

I want to move on form the past. I want to leave it all behind me. I want anyone to understand that I want to change for the better. Not as a settlement for anything but to get equipped for every change - opportunities & setbacks along the way.

I'd still believe, I guess. It's the only way. To believe in the goodness of the Lord. It's like we're given blinders to keep us straight ahead. Of courses, horses won't neigh "I'm lost!" right? I bet they would just continue as long as there is a road to walk on to.

But how about that horse encounters twin roads which leads to... no one knows? How shall that be? Well I guess that horse should know that it has a driver. And because animals have a distinct character of being loyal to the one who takes care of them. They know trust. And that's it. Life continues. It's not that we eliminate what is inevitable in this horse's journey, but the thing is, nothing else matters. No, nothing yet. Food to eat, clothes to wear, money to spend. Don't you that horse's have more than enough? He who leads the horse well, He who feeds Him in the green pastures, He who offers the sky as an invincible roof, He who offers the rivers that overflows, He who offers the forest land with treasures untold.

Whatever it will be. Go and make the change you can only make. Because the knowledge that you are looking for is how to live your life. Because the wisdom you want to gain will come from your journey. Because the testimonies you shall pass from generation to generation shall nothing but yours.


 

Frail Humanity

Life. What can I say. There's so much to say about it.

Beautiful.

Cruel.

Broken.

Wonder.

Of course it depends on how one sees it.

But now, I mourn for a sister.
A sister in Christ I will always remember for her wit.

Ate Jenny's death was so sudden. I couldn't believe it. Her illness was new to me but I didn't think it could go as far as this. Taking her away from her family.

She was just celebrating life with her newborn. I believe she was looking forward to be a mom - to be a wonderful mother. 

I don't know what went wrong but I guess it's just really her time to go home. I mean, I know she was really taken care of, just because. She is lovable. When I see her, she's always radiant. Happy just like her older sister.

Now I wonder, did she left fulfilling her purpose?
What went wrong?

Death always reminds me how my life has been. Thoughts like, 'If someone died in my family, will they concern themselves the way I do?" Something selfish even at someone's death eh? But seriously, from one time to another, situations like this makes me evaluate how's my life. I don't know if it helps me clear my mind of what do I really want to do or what shall be my legacy. But sure one passes and you move to something uncertain - once again.

Death is the same as life as we know it, that's somehow what I believe. You live. Then die. When someone dies, somewhere in the world lives. No one really knows how long could our breathes could actually take hold and make the most of it. Our growth, in time, makes us count about it. Our stops and beginnings, make or break records, wants us either to slow or fasten along the journey.

Life is simple. You find your purpose: You're done.

And my Nanay underwent the same danger.
For 9 months she took care of herself, thrice.
Every minute her life was away, thrice.
Since then she gave herself, thrice.