It's hard when the people closest to you could never and will never try to understand you. I know it's going to be a tough battle, but nothing is impossible from overcoming it.

It's hard and hurting when the people around you doesn't know how to appreciate, how to take care, how to be gentle, how to recognize what true happiness is - that is, joy. They are the ones who are with you for all those times, they are the ones whom your eyes first saw in this world.

It's a sad thing that you are expecting something from them, yet they do not reach into that standard. Even if you yourself to their level, still you can't expect something from them, something that what you are doing in the supernatural will be deeply understood by them. They can't in an instant. They can't because they knew you more than enough to condemn your changes.

Yes. God impressed to me that, when you are following Him, even your father, mother, sisters, and brothers will reject you in Jesus' name. I never thought it would be this hard to cope up. Extension of faith; extension of understanding; extension of love.

I will not worry because, everything is soon to pass. I will not worry because God is not done yet in their lives. I will not worry because He told me that, everything is going to be alright. Exhale the negative; Inhale the positive.

Alright! Bring it on. Practice prudence. Practice Faith. Practice long-suffering. Practice Peace in Jesus. I will be filled with the Holy Spirit and walk with it. Yes. Amen to that! I am filled with the Spirit and as it overflows in me, I'll empty it though extending the glory of God to them. :]

Everything will be alright. ♥

Christmas is supposed to be joyful, peaceful, and full of love. Christmas is the greatest among all the the year's season. It is when we celebrate the Birth of our Lord Jesus; it is when the Father sent His only son to gather back His lost children.

Christmas.

Christmas.

Christmas.

Do you know how to spend it? Do you know why really on earth do we celebrate Christmas? It very lonesome to think, see and hear how the people around you, celebrate Christmas in a sad way. I mean, if I were Jesus and He's in my place, He would've been ignored.

Christmas is supposedly full of forgiveness and understanding. The people around me, I can't understand. I don't know what to do. All I can offer is prayer and silence. Prayer of thanksgiving that despite all God will just come into their lives and make them understand. And silence, because I'm somewhat hurt with the things around me - pride.

Christmas is for Jesus! It is His birthday. It's no ordinary day! It is a feast of His greatness! It is the welcome party of our Lord upon coming into this world. It is not His home yet He made it one. We are not His yet He made us one. We didn't deserve anything but He came into this world and made us deserving of the Father's blessings; made us deserving of the Father's mercy.

It is His mercy that we should be cherish through out this day. It is a one-entire day celebration of His greatness! Of His birth and nothing else. No one should be discourage with what one has discovered on the past and no one should think about how's going to be the future. God wants us to celebrate Christmas like a child, full of faith, innocence, love, joy and satisfaction. Christmas that is filled with high hopes and trust.

Yes Lord! It is your day. Let us together celebrate it my God. :]

Soon and very soon, my King is coming.

Somewhere in my heart, I am looking forward into His coming. For sometime, I was asking for Him to come and get me now because I do not like how what is happening in my life. It was then, in a dream - a very unrealistic dream, I was able to realize why He can't take me away as I ask Him. You know why? It is because, I myself, is not yet ready. Let's say, God knew that I was just said all of those things because I was weary, because I listened to the enemy's lies.

In my dream, I shouted with all of my heart: I still don't wanna die! Realizing that I was still alive, I asked myself, why was I frightened with death? Wasn't that I want? While I spoke those words of fear for death, I remembered someone smiling while death was around. I was really puzzled why she was still smiling, not giving any word. Sigh. T'is then I realized that, with all of her mind and soul, she really wanted to come back to her real home - as she shared her testimony about her longing to go to Jesus in heaven in a certain age.

I was thinking, was I just copying her? This song recommendation came from her. I could really sense how much she really wanted to be with Jesus. Just like her, I am too. But I'm still in process of working what should be done. I'm still in the process of obeying the Lord, do my purpose and finish what He wants me to do. This is not an obligation, this is something that a servant would do to her Master after knowing all of her Master's sacrifices for her, for His servants. This is something that a daughter would do after all her Father's blessings for the rest of her life; this is something that a daughter would do in return of all the lessons that He taught, that makes every child stronger; this is something that a daughter would do to her Father after taking care of her, looking after her, loving her, forgiving her, and made her an heir for the riches unseen. And this is something that a sister would do to her Brother that serves her with all He is, protects her, and looks at her with merciful and loving beautiful eyes.

He deserves every praise and worship. He will come. I will wait. I will learn how to obey. I will learn how to let my spirit know the Spirit. I am with Him, and will be with Him.

God showed me His mercy, His glory.

<--------------- See this picture? That was the ticket from the resort where the Christmas party of my beloved group was held. Today was really an awesome day.Well, supposedly,I mustn't come due to financial problems. But they helped me get through out of it - an unexpected gift from them, from God.

I know them. In terms of finances, they are stingy. I mean, that's practicality at our times. Yesterday, when they all settled everything for today's agenda, it was decided that everyone must contribute this figures so that the food that were suggested and approved will be served. Now, I was flustering with the thought of it. I knew about this long ago, and I didn't mind it at all. Yes, I relied on my own. I never prayed for it. I never dared to ask God's will for it. And so this day came.

This day wasn't really good for the agenda, and I know its because I never told the Lord about it, I just told myself, everything is provided and spoke out words that was really compromising. My mom wasn't in good mood because of the misunderstanding she had with my father. I'm still her daughter and I am trying my best to obey her and father as I could so I could show Jesus to them. Now, as I asked permission to go, mother didn't react something good though she knew about it. For almost the entire day, I was really bothered about it.

We met at the place quarter to 5pm. We waited for the others to come. We met some old folks, talked some and reminisce some of the old days, old ways. It was quarter to 7, if I'm not mistaken, when everyone was already in the place. And just by that time, mother called and told me to go home because its already late in afternoon. I told her that we just came in the place and will still have fun, but she didn't like it and insisted. I was stubborn there. I didn't come home as she told me. I stayed a little longer and had fun for a while.

I opened everything in prayer. I prayed for the food and for the presence of everyone. We ate. We took some pictures. We laughed. We talked. We finished eating. We decided to take a dip in the pool. Quarter to 8, my mom called again and told me in an angry voice to go home because its already late. I told her that I'll be going home estimatedly 10pm. She declined my offer and insisted. I too, insisted, and so she told me "do what you want". Somewhere in my heart, I was hurt because I know, she is driven with emotions in relation with her argument with father and that, there's no money for Christmas. Well, I do not really mind if there is or none at all, because the greatest thing in Christmas is not the fiest in the table, but the birth of our Lord Jesus. Sigh. If she only know how to come before the Lord, everything wouldn't be like this.

Anyways, I really felt blessed today. I mean, it's God's glory. I can say that it is not just a coincident that I made it to the party; that even though I don't have money for the event, still He provided. I talked my confidant in the group and asked for a sorry for the mess I did. She told me honestly that she was sulking the time I told her I couldn't come because of financial matters, but what was prevailing during that time in her was the urge to help me. I received her GM telling: Guys, let's contribute for Rau's part. And I was like, hey, what? wait, nooooo. I was a bit ashamed of myself as I read the message, but she told me that it's alright since we're friends. Everyone agreed for it and I was like, it's a debt that will last forever. Even though, the other side of me tells that they made it because they don't want to increase the figure of contribution, what I can really see and hear in the whole of me is their care and love for me. Yes, that's it and no other.

In the midst of the completion of the meeting, others said to just cancel it because of the sign that appears, like the expenses and my presence. But this very confidant of mine messaged to everyone in an enthusiastic spirit: if there's a will, there's a way; the Christmas party will be held.

Before going to the pool, we made the exchanging of gifts. And because I was full of unworthy and unhealthy thoughts that day, I forgot about the gift that I must give. So guess what, God provided it! HAHA. It was really amazing. That time, in an instant, God provided! He poured out all the blessings I needed that time in a snap of a finger and in a blink of an eye. The extra gift was prepared because we were expecting someone to come, but because he wasn't able to, it was decided that I'll be taking the gift as my own and give it to my manita. And what's funny about this was that, the person that didn't come in the party was the one that I keep on texting and pursuing to come. See how everything twisted? HAHAHA. It was really a great pleasure that he wasn't able to come. God really surprised me.

My feelings, I don't know. But what I see tells me to rejoice and see the glory of God itself. Somehow, there's something inside me that wants to cry for joy because of what I witnessed. I want this event to last in my memory, be a testimony for God's glory, for God's love, for God's answering of prayer. In His time, waiting yields into something worth waiting. It's not going to be the same because there's a lot more waiting ahead of us. And by that time, in the same situation, it will generate deeper into my heart, my mind, my soul. That my spirit would recognize that it really is from God, that there's nothing in this world that we do that God doesn't approve, that God didn't work on; for He established our ways and thoughts.

Before I left the place to go home, I asked them to gather in prayer. I wanted to declare the blessings of the Lord upon them. I asked to receive every declaration I put into prayer, in faith, so that everything will be place on God's plan. Yes, I love them so much that it hurts me sometimes when I see a point in life that I can compare them to my Spiritual group. I BELIEVE AND DECLARE, that they'll be one of the Christians that loves to serve and love the Lord. I included my prayer that the group will grow and get strong in Christ Jesus.

I'll be praying for this group with all of my heart. Yes Lord, I am excited to see them worshiping you - that together we will sing you praises and worship you in spirit and in truth! ♥

I miss Him, so badly. :]

Dead Emotion

In order to be resurrected, there should be death.

As of now, this is what I'm holding on. I've been under construction for sometime now and it concerns about my emotions. I always grew tired whenever I do things as I want, to much flesh is too much emotion, too much pain.

I laid it down to my Father's care after an encounter and thus here I am, feeling so empty, so emotionless. I mean, I've got lots of encounters, breakthroughs, confrontations because of my selfishness and I got exhausted from it. Yes. There are times that I wanted to cry so much yet tears won't run down - and I felt what "don't cry over spilled milk" means. Even in laughing, I do not understand myself. I laugh yet it wont last that long - so I guess that's what "happiness is just temporary" means.

I am wandering for days and yes, I am empty. I am waiting to be filled by something that is proper, right and healthy.

Love.

I wonder what it is. Its not the simple love that everyone knows. I myself do not understand why I am after this kind of lackness in me. I am weak, yes, I am still in love with the same person 3 years ago, but what I am seeking right now is not what I have just admitted. Both love were different, way so much far different.

I believe that, after sometime, I'll be able to understand what kind of love I am looking for. The love that is beyond every human's capability, the love that comes from God.

I know that there's the Bible to guide but I still can't understand. I am becoming stronger in my faith yet it is still young. I am loving it, I know God doesn't want me to hurry but take every single step in this journey carefully.

I want to see how God see things. I want to know how He works on things.

I want to be alive.

And I am alive in Him.

There are still things that I should learn. I am growing up in Him. I am growing up with Him, so there is nothing really to be afraid of.

One day, I shall be sharing the revival of how to feel, how to sympathize, how to be glad. I know that God is at work to fill me the righteousness He wants me to have.

You Lead by Jamie Grace

"You Lead"

I've got waves that are tossin' me,
Crashin' all over my beliefs,
And in all sincerity, Lord,
I wanna be yours,
So pull me out of this mess I'm in,
Cause I know I'm wanderin'
Lead my soul back home again,
I've always been yours,

And this world may push, may pull,
But your love it never fails,

You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way,
You guide me tenderly,
When you lead, I'll follow,
Just light the way and I'll go,
Cause I know what you got for me is more then I can see,
So lead me on, on, on and on,
Just lead me on, on, on and on,

As a child I heard your voice,
But as a girl I made my choice,
There is no other way for me,
I'm devoted to you,
You're my peace on the heavy days,
You're the warmth of an autumn blaze,
Your love carries me away,
And it's never to soon, no...

And this world may push, may pull,
But your mercy never fails,

You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way,
You guide me tenderly, yeah,
When you lead, I'll follow,
Just light the way and I'll go,
Cause I know what you got for me is more then I can see,
So lead me on, on, on and on,
Just lead me on, on, on and on,

Sometimes when I wake up, I don't wanna rise up, Out of my bed, to many thoughts in my head,
Don't wanna be who I used to be,
Gonna take the back seat and let you lead,
And I...
Need to stop, need to stop,
Cause I'm going to fast,
And I...
Know my God is still God, And you got my back,

You lead, I'll follow, Your hands hold my tomorrow,
Your grip, Your grace, You know the way,
You guide me tenderly, yeah,
When you lead, I'll follow,
Just light the way and I'll go,
Cause I know what you got for me is more then I can see,
So lead me on...
Lead me on...

And I...
Need to stop, need to stop,
Cause I'm going too fast,
And I...
Know my God is still God, And you got my back,
You got my back,
I know ya got me, I know ya got me,
I know ya got me, Lead me on...



O yea! Bring it on. I'm on the go to let others know about Jesus! This day was really a blessed one. From the time I woke up, up until I sleep, He never failed to show me His glory, His workings, His mercy, His grace, His love, His trust, His chastening, His rebuke, His wonderful creation. O GOD! YOU ARE REALLY AWESOME. Good things come to those who wait (Romans 2:7). Let us continue to let others know the blessings that are waiting to be released before them, the very blessings God wanted and can't help but to give them - because He loves them, us, you and me. :) PRAISE GOD.

This video made me feel the love of God. Yes, I felt how He longs for me despite the everything that I did for this entire existence of mine - a life full of selfishness. This video helped me to remember that I am His beloved. His dear love that He keeps on pursuing. An UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I'm back from the retreat! Haha. It was fun. It was full of encouraging ways to deal with those things within you. Everyday's been a battle for me spiritually. I sometimes think to give up because I grew tired following yet, I forgot how I wanted it before. How I wanted to be of a great use to Him, to be a good vessel, an instrument that His will be done upon His people. I felt so weak during the session and there's still something that's holding me back. Though, stand firmly with the anointing that He gave me - to be a mature leader. I am already blessed, and that is something that I learned from the retreat. It was said that, the time Jesus came into this world, He already bore the obedience God required on His law. And because of this, the law was made obsolete and was replaced with something that is favorable to us - in our generation. As a leader, I need not to think of myself always because this ministry that was given to me by Him is for others, not for the benefit of mine. I should learn how is it to die with oneself just to fulfill what is needed to be accomplished without thinking of yourself. Past is past, and there's nothing you can gain if you try to go back from it. Future is still coming, so don't let it be a hurdle to what is your present. I need to be someone that can be looked up to, that can be relied on by those who are in need of my presence. I need to be that someone who knows how to love, how to trust, how to understand, and how to be gentle. I need to be broken, I need to be emptied. I need to be so much of that because I need to be filled again. I don't wanna be stagnant and get discourage. I need to finish the race that I have started. I can finish it. I will finish it. He will finish it for me, together with me. I will not do anything. I will let Him use me as long as He pleases - for His glorification. I am ready. Yes, I am ready to enter the world of "giving my left cheek for another slap on the face, after receiving it on my right." And by that time, I believe, I can go home to Him and live with Him eternally in heaven.

"One day, I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth."(Rev. 21:3-4)

"I have always been Father and will always be Father." (Eph. 3:14-15)

Somehow, I'm getting excited and nervous for the tomorrow's retreat. Wee. I've been stubborn for sometime. I've been so hard yet empty. I went under brokenness and cried for nights. I got tired. I saw my flaws and the root was revealed to me. For sometime, I wished to break free from something that has been imprisoning me. I wanted to just fly and be somewhere else I could find rest. I tried to hide with a smile and laughter but my darkness can't be denied. I can use all the pretension I know but in Him, nothing is a secret, everything is meant to be revealed. I fear. I stumble. I got up. I continued. I wanna see His face. I wanna touch Him. I wanna be true to myself. I don't want to hide anymore and forget what had just happened without further forgiveness. Yes. Be excited with His greatness. I am excited of how would He like me to see His greatness, His mercy, His love, His face. I am excited how will He reveal Himself to me. I am looking forward. I want to break free. God to grow up. I want to go back. I want to be back on track. I wanna see things clearly again. I wanna be empty and be filled with His and only His presence, His lovely words, His gifts. Quite of a nervous, but I'll be FREE from everything, I'll be serving Him. I wanna understand truth. I wanna understand love. I wanna know trust. I wanna know Him, I wanna come to Him.

I WANNA COME TO TOUCH HIM AND SEE HIM FACE TO FACE, SAYING, FATHER, I TOO AM HERE.

I can't be weak. I can't afford to just wiggle in the battle. I need to be strong. I am strong - in Him. I need to win that claim of victory. I can't lose. I won't lose. This flesh is dead. Truly my Spirit is still an infant yet a very powerful creation of God. This flesh is buried the time I realized how much God sacrificed for my sake, how Jesus died on the cross to make me receive salvation, how much the Holy Spirit is guiding me up until this time. I can't be disappointed. I can't be driven out my emotions. I must be courageous. I must be a person of faith. I need to be, I must be. Whatever pain may be experience right now, know that it is part of having the flesh. This flesh is for the protection of the Spirit inside us that is, the real us. Everyday, we are in a Spiritual battle - good vs. bad - that is why, as much as possible, we need to feed our Spirit by God's word MORE than we feed our flesh. The more our flesh is fed, the weaker our Spirit becomes. Do not let the emotions limit the Holy Spirit, let it go and let the Holy Spirit flow. Know too that, our Spirit go weak but it can never lose with the flesh, so don't give up - God gives us hope in every circumstances that would seem impossible for us to accomplish. God is with us in the battle. He lets us move in our own in His game. And when He sees we seem to be lost and nowhere to be found, he picks us up, put us in back in the game again and do a checkmate against the enemy. God loves us. A simple sentence yet gives a off a great impact to those who heart it.

Its not about you anymore. Be selfless. Know His will.

"Is this what I'm doing for my benefit?"

Does this question sound selfish? Well for sometime right now, I've been trying to figure out who is this someone who wanted me to share about the secret I've been keeping for such a long time. The secret sin that died for sometime ago.

The time I confessed to someone so close to me about that secret, I decided to share it to those others close to my heart. Yet one question blocked my from doing that: AT THE RIGHT TIME. I don't know how should I interpret these words. I don't know how to take that phrase in my situation. What I only understand about my situation was that joy, love and, trust pushed me to do that. I came to understand what those words really mean after all.

Day after day, I was asking myself, "Why am I eager to share about that kind of life? I mean, what's my motive for it? Will it benefit me in the end? What will others get from it if I tell it to them - pity? That memory wasn't something fun, something that is not worth cherishing, such a bad experience. There's nothing I can be proud of out of that story. And sharing it, it seems stupid to share it, specially to those persons close to me - even if they are close to me. Sharing it to them, doesn't it sound like I am getting some attention? Sigh."

These questions made me worn out spiritually. I mean, with those questions that's flooding me, I can't help but keep silent and contemplate. I can't even laugh much, the laugh that quirks out of my heart. I can't properly concentrate. I am afraid that what I was doing was in vain, for my own, to which I can't benefit really from it.

Then someone I know told me that sharing such kind of sin, that was deeply buried for such a long time, means forgiveness has come to rescue you. Yes, I believe in this. I overcame those feelings of anger, fear or any unhealthy feelings for that situation when I encountered Jesus in my life. I confessed it to Him and asked for His forgiveness. And now, I am living the kind of life that I never expected - a victorious, free life.

After sometime this evening, God answered those questions that hinders me from doing what I should do. I decided then to share it to my decipler to which, I also ended up complaining to her, I do not know why I am doing this confession; I do not want that confession to be something did out of my emotions. And while in the middle of a deep silent conversation with my discipler, God made me remember Romans 3:1-8.

Romans 3:1-8 wasn't something I and my friends did for just devotional purposes. That verse fed us much that, Romans 3:1-8 desperately made me pray to God that I want to be His instrument, that whatever may happen to me, I entrust everything to Him for His glory. And thus, this is what is happening to me.

God is telling me to share that experience to those people whom He believes I put trust, love and joy in them. God told me that, what you are going to do will make you realize that flesh is really made that the spirit inside will be protected, that the spirit inside will have to come shining outside the human body and show God's great mercy and greatness. God too told me that, it's going to be alright because He knows, I've got the right feelings already, that is why it is fine to share it.

I don't how others may see it. Whether they compare it or not, all I know is that, every experience that is much a like with mine is worse. But again, this is life. God allowed that to happen because He prepared something greater for us. That just like Jesus, despite what was prepared for Him - that is to die for all of our sins, He ought to see how the Father looked at His situation. Let us do the same. Let us look at how God see things the way it comes into our lives. Let us be practice selflessness to fulfill the very purpose of our existence - to love God and love His people.

He showed me what my prayers seriously means and thus, here I am, enjoying the thrill of life. HAHAHA. Whenever the thought of what I did before creeps in, I never thought about Galatians 2:20 and 2 Corinthians 5:17 be my shield. I always ignore those kind of thoughts not thinking, there is a great spiritual battle happening, that there are armors God is offering us and we only need to wear it and be fight to stand the victory in us.

And now that I know what God wants me to do, I am still willing to do His will, I am still willing to be His instrument; for if I get pain from whatever the world may throw at me, this body is fulfilling its purpose at its peak point. I am His servant. I am His daughter. He is my Lord, my Master. But most of all, He is my Father. He knows me best, did a great thing - sending Jesus to die for us just to be saved and have a victorious life. And what I can only offer Him is the very purpose of this body that is, to serve Him, to praise Him, to worship Him, to lead His people back to Him.

Christian lyrics - FREE LYRICS - HILLSONG

would you believe me if I said....
that we are the ones who can make the change
in the world today....
would you believe me if I said...
that all of the dreams in your heart
can come true....today
would you believe me if I said...
that life could be all that you want it to be...today..

Chorus:
and if I had wings I would fly
'cause all that I need, You are...
and if the world caved in around me...
to You I'd still hold on
'cause You're all that I believe...
and the one that created me...
JESUS...because of you...I'M FREE

Verse2:
would you blieve me if I said...
that God can make miracles happen today....
would you believe me if I said..
that you don't need to wait for the answers before...
you step out in faith...
would you believe me if I said...
that nothing is ever impossible...for God...

Bridge:
just live your life...with God inside..
you won't regret one moment of it...
and give all that you can for God,for God


IM FREE. :DD

I made this video message for my big bro. :)

And now, I see clearly

Last night, joy overflows my heart that no words can explain it, my mouth was even zipped because i don't know what to say. Last night, i thought that was it, the joy came from my big brother's surprise birthday, but that was not it. Last night, came to someone, i now consider a beloved dear sister, and confessed the sin I kept for a long time. And last night I thought, it would only take courage to make a great confession, but i was wrong.

I had a great confession last night with a dear friend. I told her the greatest secret I've never told anyone yet. Remembering my past, makes me feel disgusted about myself. The childhood innocence was corrupted, no where to be found, so lost, that nothing's gonna revive it. Try to look at the ironic side of my life, I am claiming to live a victorious life yet, I was taking care of some self-pity within me to which i defended to myself, it is not a sin. I even had a thought that: i will keep this a secret for the rest of my life, no matter how i wanted it to share it to others. I can't believe I am keeping a trash in the life Jesus gave to me. I can't believe I am nourishing a grave thing to the victory Jesus' blood made.

And then, yesternight, i never thought any of these, i just came to approach this very dear person in my heart and confessed to her. Joy pushed me to tell it, i believe. It was the joy that came from the warm love i felt during the time i was celebrating with my big bro. I mean, there was nothing significant to the celebration, to think, what only made it exciting is the surprise itself, the food was just enough not that splendid. Its the mixed love i had for my big brother and his love that made the joy stirred up my heart.

I was reading a Spiritual book knew what i was lacking in life, that is the fruit of the Holy Spirit. The time I knew about it, i immediately prayed to God to help me not to grieve neither quench the Holy Spirit inside of me, and asked the Holy Spirit to have the gifts be upon me. I was struggling everyday after that, and just last night, I came to understand what joy means, what love mean. I shall say, it is not something to be defined for no words can really make a perfect definition when you feel it.

I dared to tell her my secret whatever reaction she may have. I was looking for some dramatic mood last night but I can't understand why i won't get sad about about it - i bet, God didn't want me to nourish the sin that's why He kept the joy overflowing and i can't stop it. The confession flowed and i never thought about being disgusted of myself for even for a short time. I found myself smiling telling her what happened to my past. Dropping off everything I had, she too confessed that she had the same experience as mine. I cannot tell which is worse because we've got different principles for what had happened but then, we claimed the victory that was ours. And that was the first time, i tried to face a risk - the risk i never wanted to fight face to face.

That confession we made last night made me realize what is it to be patient, what it is to be open for His cleansing, what it is to be confident in His ways, what it is to let go and leave the past behind; that what is it to love, what it is to be joyful. The night of my big bro's celebration made me feel joy in an unknown situation. I mean, i can't figure it out where did i get it but i went home bringing it inside my heart. There was also the warmth that touched the coldness in me. I don't know, but I believe it was Him. Through His people, the ones i cherish, He made me feel what was corrupted in me; what was that something i couldn't just find.

My big bro deserves the surprise God prepared for Him. I mean, i myself has no objection because I know how God works in him - and that thing, He showed to me. He's truly a man of God. He got faith as high as his height and God's knowledge that truly manifests until the day finishes.

My dear friend was really awesome too. I mean, she carries Christianity whenever she is and day by day i see the improvement, the growth, the longing of her to be in Christ Jesus, to be with Jesus. The love. The joy. I can't find words to say how this feels but one thing's i understand about the emotions playing inside of me - my soul sings a song for my God. My soul rejoices. That when she did her confession to me, my spirit cries yet i was joyful. I mean, it was not like its a celebration for what had happened, but its the joy that amounted from the circumstances that we've been through - yes, we've BEEN THROUGH.

I find it funny that night too, when she told me that some common friends know it after all. After that, I tried to fight with my pet sin, that is, jealousy. Before i knew about what selfishness means, i already knew that i am selfish. This is the one thing that i am struggling, and now, i see, for God has revealed how He works in me. This is a total hearts hearts hearts. Love. Joy. My spirit is rejoicing. It then crossed into my mind what a common friend of ours told us about: probably, those mature in faith are those persons who faces unimaginable trials which make them step higher into that maturity that everyone needed.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)" This verse wants me to hug my friend to the fullest and talk about what she said last night. I wanted to check her. Its not that I don't believe her or what but I would just like to check how's she coping up now. Let's say, I already overcome that sin and I wanted to know if she did too - yes, a confirmation. I love her and God too, that's why I wanted to know how she really is.

We are worth living in holiness. Yes. Not of because Jesus did it for us but Jesus did it because God loves us so much. Hearts hearts hearts. I believe God plans great things to those who are willing to walk with Him. For weeks, He straightly showed how glorious, merciful, great and loving He was to us. So if you wanted to have this victory over all the things in this world - know Jesus. Know God. Know the Holy Spirit. I am a believer. A Christian. A daughter of God.

its his birthday

you know, i'm just one of those typical girls out there who are very much aware of dates, i mean the month, the date, the year, okay? you see, i just published a post here and i saw the date. it's November 6 and it's kinda funny because at my place, today's the 7th. i don't know how was it but its really funny. it's his birthday. yes, my first broken♥'s birthday. haha. for sometime now, i want to greet him but there's something that keeps me from doing it. anyways, others think i'm still bitter with the thought about him. but the truth is, i can't come up admitting to myself that i still like him that is why i am bitter. truly, i am bitter about myself, i am bitter with the thought, i can no longer love him anymore, so i protected myself. later then i thought that i've been bitter for already years, i have a crush now and got hurt yet i can't forget about him. well i guess, it's Jesus' work. He made me forget about what happened yet He didn't make me forget of how i feel for the guy because He doesn't want me to hate someone because it's not good. He's truly sweet. anyways,

Happy Birthday Mr. Lowell Don Perez. just so you know, i still like you though not as intense as before. i admire you a lot and cares for you a lot, you may not see me because you were looking away from me for a long time, but i take time to look at how you're doing. i hear some news about you and i'm happy for it. boy, i wish you can read this. i still want to talk to you and tell you i forgive you and 'am sorry. let's be happy and root for each other. i wanna make friends with you and see the boy who plays the drum in their church (for as what i heard, back then you learned to play drums in the church). Happy Birthday again and God Bless.

i don't really have a picture of him. i used to have one picture together with him but that was long ago and it was totally deleted. i really had not enough time with him because we didn't last long and i really wonder why i still like him this long. well we didn't do something nasty, but i think i was just this sentimental. dramatic, isn't it? HAHAHA. i am blessed to know him and all that we went through because, without him, i wouldn't be able to know the LOVE OF MY LIFE - Jesus. ♥ You know, i really wish to know him more. I was praying about that before but one answered prayer was enough i think for there is something i deserve more than it. i am really glad to know God loves to answer prayers and that he prepares everything thing, though it may take a long time but it always turns out to be the, BEST. i really love God. and I really still admire this man. let's keep it a secret 'kay? HAHA.

another beginning

I now see what if one's heart become hard, becomes a stone. well. i've this one big bro who's leading in the church i am attending. well recently, i was getting active and all in the church so i am aware of how everything moves. before, i only knew him because of his looks, definitely acknowledge him as a singer and became interested to him when a chuchmate shared to me about her admiration for this guy. now for several times, we were able to have some conversations though we weren't able to be as close as i suppose. we've got the same attitude, reserved but we've decided to tackle the either ways of the road. i know that its his hurts that made him that way but doesn't he acknowledge himself as a christian? why was he acting that way. yes, he's acting childish and i see that cute but can't he somehow act his age? i mean, decide maturely, see things beyond what normal eyes can see. don't mistaken me for judging him because i am not. i am sad of how his brain works. i am sad of why, for the second time around someone stepped out of the church. i am sad because why should it always end like this. they were all stuck up in the past and its very unhealthy. comparing is really a good thing specially when you are thinking for development, but once it gets you anxious, its no good. it would make you envy and do things which you would thought is God's will. i've been through his struggles now but i can't believe he gave up just like that. just because he was out he'll leave the church? i mean, he know the church needs him yet his acting arrogantly like "i don't know anymore". we was telling that the past ministry, to where he is being trained, was more of like a family. i believe it was one but because the other leaders quit, so that's how it is? they're going to leave it behind like that? yes, he tried, others tried to revive the team, but can't they seem to understand that its also themselves that's making it confusing? its because of themselves that's making conversation not properly conveyed. i wonder what kind of "try" was he saying. if he didn't give up, now, why can i feel that there's the tension going on? i mean, i can feel that somethings really up with the team. i guess he was tired but he must not give up. yes. i am hurt. i am hurt because i again see the problem. i mean, its been everybody's problem. the relationship inside the church. well its not a big deal when your making yourself open. i think its because they are allowing themselves to put a barrier that's why its making them hard to realize the joy inside a church. now concerning the way he is. well i heard a lot of rumors about how odd his attitude is but everyone is adjusting their ways to him as they say. well true because even his best friend decided to make a space between their relationship. sigh. he was just to hard. he really can't understand. i don't say that i am way to knowledgeable about him but what i was just telling him about my experience to which was really alike to what we just experienced. well i am not telling that we've got the right answers, the right ways to follow that's why i am sharing that to him, but what i did was to share the experience alone hoping he'll realize something. fail. sigh. i wanna tell him that experience: there was a time in a ministry that my friends and i were leading that we were blinded to what really God wanted us to do, thus, we ended up copying the program the past leaders were applying for the purpose of MULTIPLYING THE PERSONS in the ministry alone. now, this is not right as we came up to a lot of realizations. God was really God to us, never failed to let us see the light that what He wanted us to do is never be afraid of the future thus face the present - to which, is our own selves. He wants us to mature and He wants us to leave Him the anxiousness of the ministry's population. everything doesn't go for an instant snap of a finger and ka-boom! in others, you may apply it but i believe that God has purposes and that's something we need to see and nourish. I know that i cannot undo what that friend decided because i am not God, i cannot judge whether he made a wrong decision or what, but i was just sad with the thought, "we didn't chose the same path." you see, God is great. He told the ministry to where i am involve that it is not our job to increase the number of persons involve in the ministry He handled to us, but the Salvation. Yes, it is the salvation that matters the most in Him. bringing more souls back to Him. I know the church is not perfect and i don't know if he himself know about it. i can say that he was blinded by how the other churches are capable of increasing their population as fast as a blink of an eye. that was an issue to me too but i withdrawn it, to think the church i am attending back then was just like that. and to think, if they keep on doing silly things on their own, and be blinded by their selfishness, how will the church grow as they wanted. sigh. i know that i can't blame him if he feels that way because i really know nothing for real, really wasn't there when the church started to be something sad or like that and that i, myself see the wrong points to which I myself am afraid to work on. Blessed I am to have my team in the latter ministry i said because we, ourselves decided to be mature in God's time. patience maybe hard but we are holding all of God's promises to us, we are holding that vision to the church. i still have fears and i still get angry. i still have pride and admit that i am not perfect. but i'm going to do my best in bring out the best in the church to glorify God's name. i know with my friends decision, a lot of realizations will come up. it may not be the same but i pray that it'll be for good of oneself and God the best. whatever the circumstances may be, opening of hearts is really the best tool in situations like these. i may not be that person who saw the greatness of the church's past, but i am the present that knew that past, enjoys the present church i know and develop it in the near future. setting aside our selfishness would bring everything into one understanding, one wisdom, that is, to bring GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD. :)

Fm Static
Dear God lyrics
Send "Dear God" Ringtone to your Cell
Dear God I wrote this letter,
To put my thoughts on paper,
Sometimes life seems like a criminal,
Without a well planned caper
I know You're the answer,
But I forget the question,
How do I know You love me,
When no one else, seems to care

I've tried everything I thought,
Might help me understand things,
And it didn't tell me anything,
Or even play my heart strings
So I'm writing You this letter,
To wait for Your reply,
I am so tired, of not believing,
I'll give You a try
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/fm_static/dear_god.html ]
I don't know, but I got this feeling,
That today's gonna be my turning point,
Everyday I get a little bit closer,
It feels so good to finally be over
I don't know, but I think I'm learning,
This type of thing,
Never been my calling card,
Sometimes you just gotta look closer,
Instead of searchin' so hard

So when I start to get down,
And the world fills up around me,
And my head starts
Spinnin' like a top,
From the way my heart beat's pounding
I can look up for a second,
And know that I'm alright,
I spent so long, not believing,
It's my turn to fly

I don't know, but I got this feeling,
That today's gonna be my turning point,
Everyday I get a little bit closer,
It feels so good to finally be over
And I don't know, but I think I'm learning,
This type of thing, never
Been my calling card,
Sometimes you just gotta look closer,
Instead of searchin' so hard


SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA LOOK CLOSER, INSTEAD OF SEARCHING SO HARD.

september

errr. this is bad. i didn't right something for the month of September that for in fact, i should have made a lot because it's one special month of my life. sigh. anyways, i was doing a lot if stuffs that's why even dropping by here for a moment i didn't made. :)

nineteen

hello there, it's been a while. ahaha. i just turned 19 few days ago and guess what? i just can't believe this, i'm like the oldest in my bunch of friends yet i still act like an immature one. ugh! yeah right, still selfish as ever. well i know that selfishness is one real way to destruction of oneself, and as i learn more about it, i can't help feeling down about it. looking the sunshine side? well yes, He wants me to exercise the application of being selfless and temperance for my anger yet it drives insanity to dwell in me. cancel! a friend once said: everything might not be easy but it's not impossible. so i was like, for real?! i highly admit that this person is one big personality in terms of those i really admire when you see me in person and ask me about it. i too do admit that she is way to good, way to obedient, sweet and whatever you may call her and that's why i admire her the most. she is spiritually maturing and i am still far way behind and because of this, she knows how to handle whatever the world offers to her that might pull her down. and what's amazing with her? she doesn't back up, she immediately thinks about God and boom! everything seems fine.
God's favorite eh? HAHA. i wonder if i belong to those on His list, i wonder if He have those list. Hnnng. He has his purpose why I am still on this stage. maybe he's got something to tell me but i cannot hear. maybe He wants me to understand something yet i do not know what. Patience is what i need according to James 1:1-5. PATIENCE. yes, patience. i should not dictate God of what's the best for me because after all He's the only all-knowing. i should not ask for something i do not know for FYI, i do not own anything in this world. this 2 facts i need to understand. these 2 facts i need to surrender and ask the Holy Spirit to guide me on the right way. I want to grow, yes but on His time - believe that it's always the best. I want to have something i can call my own - so why not uncover your ears and eyes from God turn your back to Him and see that He is waiting patiently for your come back. ♥

just wanna share this edited photo. wanna share how you can be someone you don't imagine or realize yourself once you are GOD's. :] Be blessed.

tiring day

this is such a tiring day. i slept like quarter to 3 in the morning awhile ago and woke up around 7:30 because of the need to read of someone's speech. anyways, i find his speech impressive though i got bored immediately because my eyes sucks. i can't look in the screen longer.

"i feel no sympathy, you live inside a cave... no time for being sorry" from paramore's feeling sorry. just remembered something irrelevant. this bg music's getting in my nerves, though i like paramore.

my class is 9:30 am and i'm still home doing nonsense. im no longer reading the speech anymore, could you imagine reading 10-pages speech? i should not complain for i a have mistake in the very first place, why i ended up being exhausted today. sigh. got a lot of things that bothers me a lot; it makes my shoulder's shrug whenever i think about it.

anywaysss, GOOD VIBESSS - POSITIVESSS. :] My GOD IS GREAT, so it's okay. He's my refuge and strength. <3

one good girl talk

last night, i had a good time with the best of my HS buddies. well we weren't complete in the group though 'cuz uh, well some already had their classes resumed.

in the group we are originally those type who keep on laughing and talks nothing but funny things. i could still remember how gullible we can be when one of us would crack a joke and everyone will laugh. those times were nothing to compare, really. those times were worth it to cherish because its just once in a lifetime. and because the group is somewhat approachable, we extended in number. the original had a page though and i am somewhat relieved to that-thinking i'm a selfish one. our friendship started when we were still HS yet that was already at our last year. 2 in the group were the most i really had my life into. i was separated to them when we were on our 3rd year because i explored (let's say) a life that's somehow i don't really mind. hihi. well then, seems the Lord really gave them to me that's why no matter how difficult the times were, we stayed still to be the best of friends.

before, it took me a long time to make myself realize that i had friends, i had the best. i wasn't able to notice that they were treating me one already since i was defining friendship in a different manner. and again, i thank God for giving such understandable folks, that even though i lack attention just like a kid at this age, still they were so kind to me. i'm selfish and i do not really do stuffs like beautifying myself like them. others might think i might feel out of place but no; i don't really mind. i mean, i love looking at them being conscious with their selves, well maybe its just me who has this problem of using beauty products. they don't do stereotyping-i mean, i guess we sometimes feel, but we really don't do as much as possible.

i had a great time with them 'cuz it seems like we came back to the time when we were still at HS having this chit chat after lunch in the classroom. the difference this time was just that, we had this stuff at the park around 8-9 pm. wasn't it kind of growing up? HAHA. i mean we weren't talking adult stuffs, we laugh at it when we come to be serious and be back talking about our experiences.

last night, it seemed like i spent most of my time with them being silent. i mean, i feel like listening to their convo rather than intruding in it. its not like i don't belong or as if i do not know what they are talking, well in fact its somehow common to all. maybe i was still tired from the other day's escape in davao. but then, its worth it. i was able to hear perspective from them but i think i wasn't able to do my job during that time. i don't know but something's pulling me away to kind of share my experience God's love to me. i know God was disappointed because i wasn't able to speak and stand Him. i just keep on repeating in the convo: by me, i'll just wait.

today, i was able to compare the difference of having friends whom you rely on according to your need. i can say that i am emotionally poor that's why i need my pals by my side, but then spiritually? i'm far more poorer than those i know whose faith seems to be an unbreakable wall. i wanna have the guts to stand for Him, but i gotta problem with myself. i gotta deal with it. again, i gotta be reminded to kill the flesh and nourish the spirit. i need to be someone reliable. i must not resent over the past from time to time. i need to be someone who have good motives and intentions in the eyes of God. i wanna live a live a life of prayer. i wanna live a life with full of trust in Him. i wanna explore this life with Him. i wanna share HIs love to them, my friends who still doesn't know Him.

I need to seek in order to find Him; i need to just surrender this life without doubt or fear. i need to be fed by His word. i need to be patient. i must have prudence. i need to have wisdom to know what He really wants me to do. In time, in HIS Time.

Porque by maldita

Solo solo na mi cuarto
Hinde ta pwede durmi
Vira vira na cabesa
El dolor yo ya cinti

Porque pa contigo yo ya kere?
Como bula lang tu ya perde

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti
Ta pidi milagro, vira'l tiempo
El mali hace derecho
Na dimio reso ta pidi yo
Era olvida yo contigo

Todo todo yo ya dale
Aura ta aripinti
Sobra sobra el duelencia
Tormento para vivi
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/maldita/porque.html ]
Porque pa contigo yo ya kere?
Como bula lang tu ya perde

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti
Ta pidi milagro, vira'l tiempo
El mali hace derecho
Na dimio reso ta pidi yo
Era olvida yo contigo.

No tu distorba y no atraka,
Kay baka palmadja I'o
Kuntigo, nunka asepta,
Itu ay vira, todolor
Ya sinti...

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri
Bien simple lang iyo ta pidi
Era cinti tu el cosa yo ya cinti
Ta pidi milagro, vira'l tiempo
El mali hace derecho
Na dimio reso ta pidi yo
Era olvida yo contigo.

Porque contigo yo ya iskuji?
Aura mi corazon ta sufri

Just wanna share this song i heard over the radio. i love the way it was sung, and somehow, the song itself - i felt how sad it was. :)

Failures

well you see, i failed my final grades in my accounting subjects. i don't want to resent over those mind-*(&(*% event but its just that, now, i can't get over it that easily. who could've? that one simple mistake i eventually committed, made my entire life as of now change. i believe its going to be difficult because i chose it myself, i did it myself. i was never thought about getting serious about that matter thinking my parents' sacrifices were of no joke. i'm having self-pity 'ayt now. i'm angry at myself. i really don't understand why can't i be good. i found ways so i can be one but i can't apply it as easy as that. i want blessings that's why i'm trying to do all these good deeds in life. hypocrite? i do think i am. my friend told me that i must examine my intentions when i come to Him. all this time, i thought i was sincere, but it all summed to be something like: i'm doing this not because i want Him, but i want something to Him. I'm worse. I know. Did I seem to someone like an antagonist? i think it suits me. though, serves me right? yea. i want to make myself take the responsibility of what i did. something i like: suffer to death? no, no! HAHA. i don wanna die yet. there's still things i wanna do. i still want to fulfill this little dream inside me, and somehow that is, to be a one real Christian. i was thinking a while ago: maybe, i should transfer somewhere else, where i know no one and no one know me - something like that. but an argument popped up into that speaking mind and told me, "it isn't the end yet. see that it's part of that new beginning you just had started to", beats me! you know, there's a lot of things in life that i do not understand, a part of it are things that i do not want to know, things i wanna discover my own and things that i do not want to understand. yea. I do not want to understand. sound stubborn right? another "i guess i am". to think, i am powerful enough to control my life after all is a great thing isn't it? but the fact that you no longer lives within your life right now and must be abiding with this rules that seems to be like really killing you, something like you're going to be the same with the other, that no unique individuality maybe yielded, is something like: crazy! last year, i encountered Jesus through this retreat. i was taught about the TRUTH and i feel like accepting them that much. (i am quarreling much again right?) knowing that He did all those things i never mind to apprehend, i surrendered myself to Him. it took me pressures to understand that changes is not that as much as possible, it really needs time. i was someone who wished to be perfect but came out to be something uncool. i should've known, i should kept my mouth shut when someone ask me a favor. i was wondering if i became bitter. i was wondering if whether i am deserving to be called a Christian when in fact i am someone who is small of faith. i lie to myself. i deceive myself. i lie to others. i lie to those whom i really love. i really need to think about things right? i do not mean to have fun, but to reflect of all the things i did over the 2nd semester, why i am deserving of that failure. i need to stand up - that was my decision. failures were given for us to be better and grow. i am terrified somehow. i am afraid to face another fall. i keep wishing to die but now, i just can't. i guess i really need to reflect for the time being. i mustn't forget the things HE taught me for the incoming half a year. i am not frustrated about being a failure, but i feel the guilt on the nerves and it really sucks. >.< sigh. i still have summer anyways to, have fun? nah. i must be sad. no, i need not. it's going to be fine, now's not alright, but definitely, it will be given to me. :) Yes, yes. I am going to be worthy.

hello there. its been a long time once again. our final examinations has just ended you know. this weak was stressful - not because i kept on studying, but because i cant keep myself away from the computer. yes, i guess this is a sign of addiction. wew. its been a week of facing the computer from like 9pm to 12 am. HAHA. its unusual for me to have this unlimited-surf over the net and im enjoying it. the consequence? i would surely take a hard time controlling myself - the discipline. where are you? every time i woke up in the morning, i felt how heavy must these eyeballs be. sigh, i pray that the examination results for all would be good. that no one will fail specially that we gonna be 3rd years next sem. oooo well, guess this is life, we need to explore what's deep within it. :)

i'm sick

i pray i'll get well soon. well definitely i should be. there's still a lot of things to mind before laying down at bed and sleep. sigh. :/

and i will miss you cos im happy that i had you at all. haha. i just remembered what i told myself i had my last prom during senior year. it was a week before the real event when i told my best friend that "by the time the flightless bird will start playing and someone would ask me to dance, then that someone i would definitely fall for". i think i declared it that's why i just can't get over this super special friend. haha. yes. i admit that i still have feelings for him but i do not understand why isn't it much intense the way i had before. yet im still thankful that i was able to overcome those painful memories i had with him. to remember all those stuffs just made me sad. you know, sometimes i wanna go back into me back then but i can't - i just can't. i need to be good. i promised Him. compared to everything that i've been through, its His experiences that no one could ever surpass. im happy to know that as i cried and was hurt last year, He was with me all the time yet i didn't give Him any acknowledgment. He was with me when i was so down and wept my tears away. He healed my angry and sad heart. im happy to have Him around me. im happy that He could be anything that i could wish. ^^ MY FIRST LOVE, JESUS. ♥

so shallow and obnoxious

waaai. there's a lot of things to do. i kept on cramming even i have a lot of time in my hands. sigh. im sick of myself you know? its not like im getting emo - don't give me that, 'cuz im not. anyways, as what im saying, im getting tired of myself being so introvert and block-head. im tired of reminding myself to do this and not to do that yet i can't simply follow. i dont understand myself. i cant control it. its really getting hard because once i get slipped off of my way, maybe i wont bear it much and get man (but not totally).

weak

i get so weak in the knees i can hardly speak. HAHA.