Flustered & Frustrated

Last night felt like I was mourning over a beloved's death.

I can't find myself be happy with her decision.

I was flustered with her decision.

I  was frustrated.


The other night, I met an older brother greeting me on my birthday. Then he asked how is my dear friend and her "boyfriend". So I was like, Whaaaat are you saying? Told him they are not going out or what, she didn't give a word to me (believing our accountability with her is important with her), and brushed off the issue.

Since last week, I was bothered about this girl so I tried calling and texting her. Her numbers were unattended. But I continually dropped texts to her. Yet still, no response. I want to check her up remembering what she told me: I'm going to Davao to celebrate his birthday together with his family and friends. 

Then last night happened. Maybe because the "news" was too heavy that this girl friend b decided to open up the issue with the concerning parties.

Girl friend B texted me that Girl friend A and her suitor are already going out.

I could not believe it.

I want to hear it from her.

I messaged girl friend b who told her about it. She said it came from girl friend a directly. She even sent me a screenshot of their convo. I could not think properly after seeing it. I was lost somehow. I was frustrated.

I was asking God what was wrong. I was trying to battle the anger by understanding her situation. Her very situation of being far from immediate help. What was I expecting? Was I too spiritually legalistic about her season? What did lack?

I felt so broken. I want to be happy because I know she is happy with her decision. But somehow I can't find myself get happy with the decision. I can accept that she might not listen to whatever it was that we told her the last time we went to Katanggawan and review the team's accountability. 

And to think what happened felt like we don't actually matter to her, hurts.

I cried asking God what to do because I don't anymore. "Jesus, what would you do?"

Choose restoring the relationship. And move on.

I was refreshing myself with Jesus' encounter with the people. I was looking for a certain scenario where I think my situation and His solution coincide. Then it dawned to me, Jesus was sent to the world to reconcile us to the Father. So what can I say?

"Let the dead bury their own dead." Move on. 
Somewhere in my heart, because of what happened, wanted to hold her tight. But once again, God reminded me that I can not remain in the situation. He has another mission for me to accomplish. The same with her.  He will take care of her. Maybe God is telling us to remind her that we have her back always, no matter what her decision is. Remind her that we are not always at her side talking her about God, but is one of her responsibility.

Frustrated and Flustered. But I have the choice to obey God & to preserve the relationship. All the more I have the reason to do it, because God loves His people. Because He is my strength. My portion. He is our shepherd who makes us lie down in green pastures, leads us beside still waters and restores our soul.

SURPRISE

A week ago, I was asking God to surprise me for my birthday. I was telling Him what I want to have - Ecuadorian Roses from Blumes' Davao or Love Letters from favorite people or a message from Mr. Hi. I was giggling inside thinking about these but I was also battling it because I don't want to spend my birthday with these drives. I mean, what if any of these won't happen?

AND NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED. Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday with people I really admire. My day started with my sister nagging me about her comb that I left at the office. I was then the whole day sitting in front of my laptop working on deadlines, silent about the day. I spent the entire night meeting with people talking about God. 

It was not the day I imagined it should be. People celebrating in parties, everyone enjoying the good food and good company. SURPRISE, SURPRISE! As much as I wanted to celebrate it that way, but I guess I haven't realize why I should do that in the first place.

When we sow, there is to harvest. You see the irony? I wanted everyone to enjoy good food and good company but did I invest? No. So sad. And I am ministering to myself. Hahaha. Maybe I was used to let the other people do that for me. Maybe because I that's when I feel I am also important to them. When people make effort on special occasions.

Honestly, it felt lonely. A bit. But when I thought about the things that I do up to yesterday. I can't help but feel grateful. So thankful that God brought me into His pasture. So grateful that I have known the heart of my Father. So thankful that I have found purpose and love in obedience. So thankful to know that there's so much to pray because you know His will be done.

Everything up to this very day is a surprise for me. And it's because of His grace. The translation of His great love, not just for me but to everyone He created in His likeness and image. The way I respond. The way I can control my thoughts. It is because of Him. It is because someone loved me more than His very own that I can not afford to do the things that hurt Him.

Far be it that what He has started in us be put into waste because we stopped believing in the hope that He gave us in Jesus. God is a good, good Father. There are certain things in life that makes it impossible to believe but remember that's WHAT FAITH IS FOR. And believe it or not, God is on our side. He is for us, He is on the move and He will turn tides for you. He is more than willing and able to fulfill His promises in our lives. His Word will never return to Him empty, it will accomplish its purpose in us. 

Beloved, you are in the constant pursuit of His romance. Be prepared. Be excited. He who promised in faithful.

Happy Birthday, Raaau! :)

Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right Spirit within me. (Ps. 51:10 ESV)

Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? 

Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, 

for I will yet praise him, 

my Savior and my God.

Psalm 43:5

I hate myself for thinking

There's nothing good in me

Heart filled with unrighteousness

Mind polluted by envy

Tongue tied in lies

Eyes blinded by disgust

The silence of the night calls 

The words of entitlement press in

"You can do more, better, a lot"

Yes, I can if I will; Can't I?

The stars are out, the moon out of sight

My eyes await for my Savior

I just wanted is to be still, to be held

My prince where is thou peace?

And as the depth of your love engulfs

There is a wage of war in my bones

It shivers, it breaks, shattered into pieces

I wonder how it is still in its proper place

 

In the sound of your embrace 

My God, Let me rest my case

I incline my ear to hear You whisper

I lean myself so, so much closer

Bring me in a new horizon

Play the interlude of your grace

Let your angels dance before You

Let your mercy come anew

Let me remember

And never forget

My Lord, 

You are nearer

Had all this happened

You remain in control  

You are sovereign

You calm my soul

Let my mouth speak glory

Let my tongue sing praise

Let my heart beat worship

Let my hand raise bless

I hate myself for thinking

There's nothing good in me

But there's our Father's begotten Son

In His loving arms, my story is not yet done