What's yours?

Losing confidence because you don't know what's yours...

The most heartbreaking to handle.

It's like...

This is crazy. It's impossible for me - to me.

Actually, I don't know why I feel this way; because of a dream come true or because of success?

I don't know which factor affected me much.

Painful.

Heavy.

I'm nothing compared to...

Insecurities...


sucks.

When did insecurity gave someone good vibes anyway?

They were good, I am good for nothing.

They found their passion, I can't have mine.

Heartbreak.

Heartbreak.

Heartbreak.

This emotion drain the most of me; takes away everything from me.



When...

Will I be able to be someone just like them?

Do I need to go through coarse hardships just to obtain what I dream most?

And what is my dream?

What is that passion?

Will I be able to find it out?

When you’re acknowledging Him in all your ways, He promises to direct your paths. He promises to lead and guide you into paths of peace, joy and everlasting life!

Quoted from what I read this morning - Proverbs 3:6

The pain will lose its sting when you declare and acknowledge God's work and Word - that is life, in your life.

It's heavy, but He is kind. "I will give you rest. (Matt. 11:28-30)"

"Take the risk. You might be afraid, yet still, TAKE THE RISK. Be faithful."



But what if there's no risk?



Then it's a blessing! Why complicate yourself if everything is followed accordingly? The problem will arise if you yourself won't do anything for that dream to come to pass - and that would be the reason why no risk is happening; but the problem itself is a risk, ya know? Stepping out of the boat, going out from our comfort zones, reaching wildest dreams to come true! Pursue what you love to do. There's nothing wrong about it; nor funny about it. It was specifically made yours because God knows it fits you and in you shall His glory be displayed. But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God and made Him my refuge, that I may tell of all your works (Ps. 73:28) Isn't that something amazing? To be used by Someone to display His goodness and it's a merit for us - A benefit to us! God always, always guides you. Even if you go astray, He will still find you.  

You are different. Trust where He is leading and putting you. Remember: Because God placed you to it, He will definitely make you get through it. Don't worry. You will find your destiny: Trust me, He will lead you there.

 

Coffee essentials?

I do not know if this is because of coffee, because i was left alone, or because of the one behind me…

That my heart beats like crazy.

Hahaha.

Let’s leave it as a mystery.

Sugar Family

Well its not like I’m against teacher student relationship, but its that possible? At the age of 16, can be? 

You see, I’m somewhat laughing reading sugar family, though it kind of reminds me of faster than a kiss...

The time Shin/Arata was introduced, I was begging... Arata, be miiiine.

Such a hopeless romantic.

Forgive me but I just can’t get over it… No, not yet.

 Who would not agree that everyone was already thrilled since the last chapter of Naruto? Bahahaha, Finally! This has arrived.

I’ve waited so long for their back to back to back.

Because I’m into this...

His love never fails

His grace renewed, day by day

I can’t believe how fast one can do edits now.

God’s grace is new and abounding everyday.

It's all because of God's Grace!

You see, I've told you about getting an exam in CS right? And I just took it this year. And that was because my parents were nagging me about it for almost a year.

I decided to take up the exam because I heard Ms. Shamcey Sumsup said that, in her obedience to her parents God blessed her that much.

Yes...

Obedience to parents.

Quite hard right?

But really, I proved enough of God's faithfulness about it.

I passed the CS Subprofessional Exam! Like WHOA. Mum's reaction was more than me passing the subprof level, that is the prof!

Of course, I had my heart racing about it for a moment.

I don't know how cs works but I know that God will.

So there you have it, my name on the 3rd number. I want to know my score but according to the the rules, passers got 80% score of the exam...

now I wonder how everything went well when I haven't actually answered the entire examination.

GOD'S GRACE.

Mmm.

I feel like I'm no average girl anymore. For indeed, I am not.

I feel like I can do more of having 50% if I just have God's blessing and my heart on it.

But it took long before I understood it though, yet still, I am so grateful to Him!

I also give thanks to my parents and sisters who are always rooting for me.

Hibi Chouchou is getting interesting!

You set my heart ablaze.

Great are you Lord, over all! We will declare, Lord, You are faithful.

Benvenuto, Chi!

Yesterday was a blast...

like...

BLAAAST!

Yea. You see. I got my veryyyy first phone!

Well...

At the least... IT. IS. Mine...

Mine?

Hahahaha.

The phone is Alcatel Onetouch Glory 2, and I named it Chi.

Yes, you heard it right. I named Chi the phone.

I can't name it Kaizen yet since it's not the one I want to have - even though it's already an item - and I still suppose to have it... *Crossed fingers - HOPES HIGH!

 I was with Kwini when my Mom texted me to go the Mall. Receiving the text, I was thinking of a small family gathering, like eating in a restau like we usually do and have some groceries to be stuck at our ref.

That was what I was thinking...

I was hungry...

So I was in a hurry to meet them, since my sisters were also summoned.

I met my parents before the entrance. I was happy to see them since they seem to be lively. I was pushing myself to be someone sweet grabbing both of their arms as I was in the middle, smiling at them.

I borrowed the universal cellphone that is usually the "home" cellphone to text my discipler. Then mum asked me to be with them to buy a new phone.

I didn't mind because I was used of what I do have right now. I mean, yeah... I am waiting for something to come... And I confess it's more than having a cellphone.

If you must know, I lost 2 cellphones not within a year. Could you believe that?

That's how cruel I am.

We went to the cellphone hubs. I was roaming around with nothing to think - and I believe it's because I am hungry. My parents were already murmuring about the kind of phone that they are going to buy.

I ignored. 

I mean, it's not like... It's my cellphone anyway, so I don't care. Also, it's dad who's going to use. So what do you suppose for my old man?

Then mum told me, "Go find a cellphone before your father decides what to buy." I was startled to hear so I was in a total hurry to find something like cellphone. Dad pointed the old fashion ones then I just agreed. I was thinking, how do you suppose me to find a good cellphone in this kind of rush?

But mum was different! I was expecting less then she suggested to buy android phones! I was shock. I was happy. At least we could have something techie - if that is then possible. I was just saying, ah yeah that; I think it's good - let's choose between these brands.

And because just like me, the sales lady was out of her mind? Hungry? Or she absolutely doesn't know the items features - like what it can offer better than the other, or it's comparison, we ended to be just like dad who seems to be a prvonciano.

Anyways, the sales lady keeps on repeating this jellybean whatsoever and I was like: If it is the latest, then I guess it should be fine. I asked mum about the budget and... I got her point... Still on the brink of hesitation that a cellphone, no, i mean, a smart phone ranges high prices as what we asked from other brands.

So... Yea... Because the features wasn't bad and it's not like it's outdated... And I'm already freaking out because my mum and dad was already telling: Kayeee~ Please do take care of it this time (think about how costly it is - if they could just add this sentence, they could've been)! Holding the cellphone I was: Yes, I will! I will definitely keep it safe! 

Like there was a chant on me to take good care of it because it was mum and dad's first gift? I don't know but I was so, soooo glad. I didn't expect for something this great! Yes, I must say, for indeed it is! 

I wasn't actually expecting for something good to happen in my life as I see it somewhat strangled right now, but IT'S GOD'S GRACE! Definitely! It was His grace that enabled me to be blessed as this.

I remembered failing the: Be faithful even if you have the least.

And was hanging up with the: There is a season to be bountiful, as well as to have nothing at all.

I tell you, I was merely drowning in disappointments to the point it made me numb. But He gave sparkles that somewhat speaks to me: You have been faithful my child. Keep it up! Difficult by times may come but I will strengthen you.

The strength He meant well was not actually the direct answer from the troubles that I am struggling to. I believe He already is the answer and the key to enable that answer to manifest is up to me - whether I allow it or not in my life.

I was really glad like, even though I might not have something as grand as that, I would still be grateful because of the fact that my parents gave it specially for me.

He... is... faithful.

He who spoke anointing and blessing on His breath!

His grace so abounding that even though I’m expecting for death,  He gave me life. That just when I’m so hard and rebellious, He still there to give me the blessings He wants me to have.

Glory to God in the highest!

I praise You, Lord for being so gracious, kind and loving!

Hallelujah Jesus! Thank You for equipping and guiding me through the Spirit!

To be stronger enough to control my emotions and become the kindest to love just anyone.

Something to ponder from watching Arcana Famiglia - to love without measure.

To make a difference doesn't mean you need to be unique in all things that you do or say. Sometimes, you just need to follow. To obey orders. To just submit.

Because I have traditional-asian-fetish, here's: Chinito

Well I guess I have to live in my dreams for now. Continue living and wait what is to come. As we inspire ourselves, we bring sunshine to others!

Morning.

On stream: Arcana Famiglia

I feel like watching a naruto-katekyo hitman reborn-full metal alchemist in combo! Look what do we have hereee: a shoujo anime of pretty faces. The story, so-so. I'm on the 12th episode and I wonder if this will continue. I would like to know how the story will turn out - whether interesting or not.

Here's the link.

Inspired? Let's have it that way.

3:00 pm.
4:00 pm.
Do I want to join the culmination night?

An hour of preparation for an event is cumbersome. It makes me shambles into bits. Yea. I ain't got sense of girl scout in me. Like what just happened? I took it for granted.

It's fearsome.

It's dead-end.

For sometime, that was what is going in my mind. I'm boring. I'm useless. I'm lazy. Do you think someone like me can go the farthest of my dreams?

Insecurity drives me insane.

Bubbles started to popped out when Arianne told me "Take it easy Ate. Di natin alam anong pwedeng mangyari (We don't know what is yet to come)." And from that second, I grew ashamed of myself.

Someone younger than me is telling me to take it easy. To never hurry.

To tell you, I don't hurry. Let's face the fact that I'm dying with my laziness day by day.

That everyday, I grew tired of myself because I can't do nothing but do what I want.

Everyone around me is like a bee while I'm sitting pretty.

Well that's something to be grateful right? But my mind's kind'a crazy right now... outdated... so... what do we expect?

Anyways... Because bubbles popped out, I was able to hold my humanity - making sense of my bored world.

"Nakita ko agad si Sir (I saw Sir in that instant)!" says my neighbor in my E9 table - I thought it was their unit head. I kept my composure like I'm someone sophisticated over my silence. I even wonder how do I look or what aura shrieks off from me the way I acted.

I turned my head because everyone was dilly-dallying and saw who they meant. I was forcing something inside me but I can't figure out what it is. I stared... no, rather... I glared at him in a distance...

There was nothing. No magic. No spark. No intensity at all. Nothing like what happen earlier this morning when I saw him. IF you must know, this article is not meant for him. This is something random 'kay? So let's continue...

Always and always, I avoid him with all my might. Maybe I'm still in denial but I don't want anything about him. I mean, yeah~ I'm the only one who's got malice over here that is why it is always hard day by day to feel how happy I am to accidentally meet in the corridors...

*sealing the emotions away

mmmmhm...

Too much from him...

When he disappeared from my sight, maybe because I my mind was filled with bubbles again. I fixed myself properly, then I thought: I really like parties like these. Dressing up. Formalities. No matter how people hates sophisticated gatherings like this, I can't make myself hate it. I must admit, I'm in-love with this...

The thought made me smile.

Actually, there's nothing wrong dressing up the way you want. God won't condemn us if we love to dress, we love to make ourselves beautiful, if we are silent... We are for who we are. And there is a purpose for that, I believe.

People has always a lot to say, but stand your ground. Never back down from what they say, from those people who don't know you. You are guided by God, so chin up! Walk the run way with confidence and pose beauty in the red carpet!

I don't want to be like that someone who spoke: I wish I could've done more in college. I was afraid upon hearing that from the speaker. I don't know if you had those moments in your life when you said to yourself: I want to do that. Then you end up only saying that because you don't have that confidence.

I wonder if that was what the person is talking about... those should've, would've, could've... confidence...

At my state, really...

A damsel in distress...




Though, I'm not losing any hope.

Right now might be tough but decision has a power. And change is the greatest offense.

I am bound for greatness.

That life is waiting for me.

This is just a preface in my new book. And there shall be lots of disappointment, heartaches, goodbyes, betrayal and frustrations to come. But spite of that, these great challenges will give rise to things beyond what I am hoping for in Him.

He is my confident hope.

That is my greatest desire, if one must see and look into my heart. Right now, I just need to finish what's on hand, make the best of it. Whatever is given now will be something that I can use in the future - as much as tomorrow.

Nothing's getting useless because everything He made is good.

So I'll end this night with, "Even if I can't now, I will be able to someday!" something from Liberta of Arcana Famiglia.





See you in my wildest dream come true fella! 

Because I am destined for greater things to come!

Purpose et Desire

Sometime ago, my sister was baffled about this task given to her. She was asking me for help how to deliver what was written in this sheet of paper. Before that happened, she was diverting a question to my other sister asking: What are the purpose of the animals? I was silent. I was trying to listen to their conversation. My aunt was their listening. They were laughing, making jokes. I was still listening.

Then this other sister threw the question: How about you Ate Kaye, what's your purpose?

I believe I have mentioned a topic like this almost a year ago. And back then I have my resolve. You know, asking me the same question over and over again makes me want to run away and just hate everything.

Amusingly, I have been complicating My Purpose and My Desire. 
This goes as well for His Purpose and His Desire.

To my foolishness, I didn't even understand - much as I don't like to hear it - His Desire doesn't actually parallel with Our Desire.

For a person like my temperament, I find it... Unlikable.

But, really... Just to repeat this to myself and to those who also confuses themselves about their purpose.  

Truth to be told: Our purpose is to spread the Good News. That is, His love. The Good News that brought us Salvation. The Good News that could make this world just like it was made out of - LOVE.

When we think about ourselves, we clearly forget what, as His Royale Ambassadors, this thing we called love.  We forget what the Scripture is all about, what the Bible is summarized into. That is, love. Then when we get lost, grew tired and feel like dying - we try everything as if we could find redemption from our own works.

Death.

Spiritual Death.

Dryness.

We try to drive what we think is something that is healthy for us. But we are more getting closer to a land mine. The more we try to make it ourselves, the more we become unsatisfied, the more we more unlikely hear what He is telling us to do. We wanted to be saved from this savage flesh that continues to consume us.

We must know that we can do nothing apart from Him. That our desire really differs from His. That the moment we were conceived, His was already determined. While ours was just something still along the path that we choose to follow. I believe our desires came patched with the purpose He designed specially for us. His purpose is definitely specific: To know love, to spread love and to make known of love. That is, we must be love. We must become love. 

So no matter the circumstances right now in our lives. Let us remember: Love. Others. This doesn't just concern about others but I believe spite of the times we become selfish, thinking of these 2 words will help us get hold of what should be. Thinking of others when we have problems helps us to become the love He wants us to be. It also speaks that we continue to sojourn as His messengers and that we trust that He will do something for our current situation.

This is something that is hard to swallow when we are passive and try to live a life that is contented not to soar up the skies that is limitless. Yes, we are taught to be contented, but in this context I daresay, continue to know MORE OF OUR GOD. This context doesn't speak about the world but of the unseen things He gave for us.

I want to run away because I thought everything is just impossible. Right now. Yes. Right now, the who I am right now is just really impossible. There are still things that I want to know at this state. It's like I've stopped breathing because I can't see air. Silly? But that's how rebellious I am right now.

My heart hurts everyday. More like of a girl having everyday break ups from her ai ren. Sigh.
Can someone tell me when will this end? That once and for all I become focused on His delight and not mine. That once and for all I may become someone who blinds myself from what this human eye and mind perceive. That once and for all I may become someone who gives off light and love. That once and for all, I might become love. 

Is this too much to ask? I bet...

I'm being impatient aren't I? But I must admit that I am comparing myself again. I am making things in a hurry for an unknown reason, making myself afraid for something I do not know. I believe it's something that I should walk on but when there's no one, nothing to guide, how am I suppose to know?

Well it's my fault after all. For days, I'm not having proper devotionals already. And it's sad that sometimes, evil devours me. Of course, it wasn't cool. Right now, everything makes me tired. I need to find my drive agaaaain. 

Because I do no want to let Him go; nor I want Him to let me go. 

Everything's impeccably confusing right now. Things like what do I really love to do most? Why am I selfish? Why am I stagnant? Can't I have my dreams on too? Why am I like thiiiis?

Anyways, just like I said a while ago. God has a purpose for this. I must remain in His presence, cause that's what it all takes to have the great comeback I want to. Isn't it? To be in His presence.

Yes, it is.

That feeling when your prince grabs you suddenly, hugs you and kisses you. And that suddenly, he spoke the name of the lover he loved so much.

Forgive me but I don't know the feeling. It's just that, I feel that it hurts - even if they just met. EVEN SO! That's a stab at the back.

Reading The Bride of the Water God.

So take me to that place, where my heart is filled with grace; where your love and joy and freedom flood the gates. So take me to that place, where your glory never fails; here I am Lord, take me to that place.

Take me, Katinas

Everything the enemy has stolen, God is going to restore: The joy, the peace, the health, The dreams.

by Joel Osteen

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” (Joel 2:25, NIV)

Suuuuper in the Morning!

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” 

- Mother Teresa

Your Hoodlum Chic.

As much as I want to be sober, please, don't toe the line. I'll let this pass, baby. ^^ I don't have perfect patience to tolerate everything. Yet, I'll practice prudence for you. Understand that? No me provoque, mi amor. :)

I'm just saying and it's not meant to judge.

My oh my.

Why do, we people, mistook happiness as love? 

Why do we think that when we have the same mind, we care for each other? 

Why do we act, that when things are not according to our ways, it's the end? 

Why does everyone think that they alone thinks this way?

As much as I don't want to get involve with the family feud, I won't lay a single word about the issue. But once everything goes overboard, then that's the time, I think, that I'll step out and clarify things. For now, let's cool and break things with prayer.

Who says that it doesn't hurt? Of course it does! What is happening tells me that I do not know the people I've known for years. I can't judge because both sides are a family - blood related to be in fact. I just can't. It's hard to believe what I heard but I trust those people I know rather than what goes on rumors.

Really, in this situation, what speaks in my mind is: LEARN TO BE CONTENTED OF WHAT YOU HAVE AT HAND. Because there will season of abundance and a season of nothingness.  Because we need to be trusted even in small things to be able to be trusted in those big things that we want. It's never going to be easy, but God promised He's going to be with us through out the journey. Secrets shall be judged and nothing's kept forever.

Well this ain't just some playful wisdom, neither a wally of a bible freak. For what I'm telling is true. I'm no longer a babe that all things are still hidden from me. I might be someone who looks like my mind is out always, but I rationalize.

Talk to me and I won't console but tell the truth.

Family Feud, when will you end?

When we are at peak, we tend to pick whatever we want to hear, to believe and to live. And because of this, we become so stubborn, so hard that when someone tells us what we are doing is not good, we identify it as something against our "good morale".

Learning the harder way.

We must know that this ain't easy if there is so called the "easier way". Don't you think? It's ironic why people wanted it this way.

Sometime ago, I heard rumors about what is happening again inside the family. I mean, does the ends really justify the means? It's hard to judge since we are not facing the same problem, we are dealing the same circumstances and we are not making the same choices. But who can see inside your circle are those people who are observant, or let us say, concerned about you. It might seem tough and rough but the thing is, they do care about you.

You know, I am really grateful to realize that whenever here are times that I wanted a thing so badly that it hurts God doesn't give it to me in an instant. Yes, I go through difficult times because of this. Tears. Disappointments. Hatred. Name it, I (bet you too) have tried it - for lots and lots of times. Becoming vulnerable to it was not easy since I've promised myself to keep my trust away from people.

But God doesn't want me to live that way. He wants me to become vulnerable to everything. Equilibrium of life. Joy and Sorrow. Amazement and Disappointment. Laughter and Tears. But what's so great about this?

He makes me be contented of the green pastures that I am lying in.

He makes me realize that there's so much in what He has given - what I have 

that I need not to look for other things.

He makes me realize that He is that portion that really satisfies the longing of our hearts

- which we are mistaken for the things of the world.

This kind of encounter with Him is matchless. His discipline doesn't forbid you to have what you want to have but He tells: There's a best time for you to have it, don't hurry (don't make unnecessary things by doing your own way to have it).

Yes I cry because this is my attitude, this is who I am for years. But He doesn't want me to continue to live like this so... It's better that I cry over it, get angry over it, get disappointed, and hate everything. As long as I don't take the snake the enemy is trying to lure because of that longing he is trying to satisfy.

Praise God!

Thank You Lord!

Thank You for not letting me go even though I keep holding back lots and lots of grief. Thank you for holding me gently even if it pains you, it wounds you - even if I don't acknowledge Your help. Thank You Lord! Hallelujiah! Praise be to God, Amen.

Something for May :)

Which of these do you like most?

Hmmm. 

Happy Anniversary People of God! 

Hello there May, this is April's last.

Sayin' YOLO!

My Cockroaches.

The difference is the sum.

#Summerfest Part 2

To know that not only a lot of girls acknowledges how cool your crush is, but also your chicas. *Sigh

Oggy and the Cockroaches presents: SUMMER CANDID

This girl speaks joy and grace everyday. So lovely, isn't she?

Joy unspeakable.

He loved us first. :)

Morning Glory.

ze love that comes from the above and the joy that speaks within. summerfest 2013 it is - and our last one. these girls are God's girls and i just love them. these photos were taken by me (yours truly) but i'm no photographer. i just love to candid shots of people and the still beauty of nature. also, it just happened that i was someone who knows how to use the nikon dslr my friend borrowed. so, i didn't hesitate to use it and enjoyed taking pictures of them to satisfaction.

Praise God for these girls. I might be missing some but for now, they are my green pastures of friendship.

If  you are wondering are the colors original well... it's not. I used free photoshop curves from some photo-bloggers over the net. Except for the last, pc's hanging and i'm having a hard time dealing with it - that's the original and final touch.