Defiance often pushes a parent's buttons. After all, we're supposed to be in charge, right? Defiance rubs our nose in the fact that we can't really control another person, whether he's three or thirteen unless we use force. And who wants to be that parent?
And when we overreact to defiance, we escalate the battle because force creates resistance, either openly or in a passive-aggressive form. It's ultimately a losing strategy. (You might win the battle, but you'll lose the war.)
So what can a parent do about defiance?
Kids are defiant for a reason: they feel controlled and pushed around, and they need some positive ways to experience power, autonomy and agency in their lives.
A defiant child may reject the parent at this moment because they feel disconnected from them. This may mean the relationship needs some repair work, or maybe the child is in "fight or flight" and simply needs some time to move back into regulation so the adult no longer looks like the enemy.
Punishment only makes the disconnection worse. It feels unfair, creates more upset and disconnection, and pushes kids towards more defiance in one form or another. Defiance is solved with connection, not correction.
- Repost from Laura Markham at AhaParenting.com
