11.23.21

Today, I feel nothing. Maybe because I'm too confused with what is happening with my life. Tell me, love, why couldn't I just be freely enjoy being with you? All the time, I have to be conscious. From time to time, I try to overlook all your imperfections because I am too. But sometimes, it's taking a toll on me... Like I feel like I'm always leading... finances, decisions... Don't get me wrong, I'm not counting these against you, and I just wonder why I'm feeling this way. I know I shouldn't because I always try to understand your situation. And God, it's so hard.

2 nights ago, what happened between us was so wrong. I've been realizing how maybe I'm just fantasizing to want everything with you after marriage. It hurts me to realize that when I look at you, you only want pleasure for yourself. It's like you don't love me... it makes me harder to believe that you really love me. It angers me that I couldn't talk back and stop  what was happening. I'm sorry love, but I feel so violated and disrespected. I'm sorry if I was leading you to be uncontrollable. I wish it didn't happen, so it wouldn't be hurting for the both of us.

I'm sorry. I'm thinking of not seeing or communicating you while I couldn't find a way to solve this... or to work on making things right. My love, we both know, we tried. As much as I don't want to break pur relationship, doing things right before the Lord still what matters. I don't know if I'm putting a judgement over our situation, but I pray that God will grant me the grace and wisdom to see what He is doing. You see, this is not just a wishful thinking. But I'd like to believe that as in 2 Corinthians 3:9 "For if there was glory in the ministry of condemnation, the ministry of righteousness must far exceed it in glory." I know in the coming of Christ, all of these exhilarating want of being perfect of the Lord is done. But while I'm still undone, Christ's righteousness can be found. 

I'm praying that you will understand where I'm coming from. More importantly, that will be able to rest on and trust the love of God to you. I pray that you encounter God for real - beyond your intellect and emotions. I pray that for whatever thay you are breaking right now, God will comfort you. I pray that the Lord grant you strength to overcome and may His Spirit always empower you to let His will be done. I continually believe in the power of God in you, the same power that has resurrected Christ from the dead, where everyone becomes a new creation. Create in us a new heart, and renew a right spirit with us. Declaring that nothing and no one can ever separate us from the love of God, and no one and nothing can thwart God's plans and purposes. Thank you, Jesus. We receive it. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen. Amen. 

//

One year

One year ago, he laid down his intension to pursue me.

The other year ago, I was still healing from a betrayal issue.

The other years, I was breaking from a triggered trauma.

A few years ago, I started to get to know him.

I really wonder how I ended up with him. I could've closed the door for him and walk away from him. But here I am, loving every part of him. The painful and happy days that I am with him, adds color to my world. I don't know why I'm sentimental today, but I just realized how thankful I am to the Lord that Earl has changed his heart to make things right. As I look back, the painful nights that I always run to the Lord for all the rejection that he made me feel and for the days that I was left hanging, confused of what he is doing. As I realized that the more I was building fortified walls not to get hurt and be right, the Lord kept me and held me in all those times.

Looking back, I can't help but just thank the Lord for all He's done for me. If I think about myself, I want everything right, so badly because I think how even in my own way I can honor God. But with all that had happened, my reputation is nothing. Maybe I'm too obsessed doing things right because that's my insecurity, I can't do everything right. I always need God's grace. Not just to redeem me so I can forgive and accept myself but also to empower me to continue and be better.

Now, this year, I am already half a year with Earl.

This year, I am living freely who I am.

This year, I am discovering and learning life.

This year is the year of the Lord's favor.

Real relationship is hard. Real love is hard.

"Even when you are (difficult), I'm gonna stay by your side... And when you can't hope, I will hope for you."

A short about this vlog:

I remember a statement from a leader's conference where it was mentioned that, this is also a devil's work... abortion, divorce, mental health issues... all aims to destroy what God has anointed - you, marriage, families, the future generations.

On our issues, weakness, insecurities, difficulties... Speaking about it liberates. Speaking about it helps in your processing. Speaking about it heals. Speaking about it will help others see light.

As much as you always try to live rightly, you will still be a burden and be difficult. Worse, you will hurt others... and be hurt.

Disclaimer, I'm not married and I have no the same experiences with Ms. Carla. But I had my fair share of mental breakdowns. I am prone to anxiety. Depression also manifested in my health. I was denying that I was not mentally healthy. I was not diagnosed clinically, I tried, to be honest. But thankfully, I have not reached that point. I did not also went through counseling, because I thought it was too personal and I was always business with myself. During that season, I was in total indenial of what I was going through. Being alone in my own misery was a punishment I brought to myself. And that was something I don't wish for anybody.

I was thankful for everyone who never judged me as I was going through that internal turmoil. It might've been good at covering up or pretending, but God never turned a blind eye on it. As I was all "Lord, I don't wanna be sinful... Lord, I don't want to hurt anybody... Lord, I'm strong in you... Lord, You are enough..." - trying to keep the relationship as if it was going to be break if I get bad or weak. The Lord just made me feel that "No matter what, I will stay." Indeed, He is what the world is not.

Remembering this momentous moments, makes me see God bigger. As I have seen Him big, that makes me fearful. I also see Him get bigger and bigger in His love, compassion, kindness, mercy and grace for me and to others.