The other day, I was looking for something that I've been missing...
"What's the matter?"
"Really, what do you want to do with your life?"
"How should I live the life You have won for me?"
"I want to understand why should I keep myself holy."
"Up to what extent can I sacrifice for love?"
"What should I do to love You with all my heart, mind and soul?"
"Are you even pleased with me?"
"I want to go home."
I know all of these. I know how easy it is to find anything in the Bible to answer my questions. But I want to address the root - A heart longing an encounter with God. Always and always, I have been like this. Sometimes when I realize how much I do for Him, it frightens me. It scares me that I might be dealing things "too religiously" that I do not see the real the need. For some time, it's so hard to convince myself that it's God that I want. You know why? Because reading the Word became a burden to me. I know I should not feel that way cause I know what's true. But then another burden came and whispered, "lean on His promises." Then I remembered.
The desperation to experience God's power. The time I clung unto His Word like my life depends on it. Haha. It makes me emotional remembering those days. It might have been a small thing for others but it was surreal. My eyes could not believe what faith could do. My God proved Himself faithful. My God showed Himself true.
Then I cried on my knees in desperation, in realizing that more than the promises, I long for the Promise-Keeper. There's nothing more that I want in my life right now than Him. I breaks my heart to realize that day by day I could not do it, that everyday of my life I got to face the consequences of my sin. I hated life that way, it seemed living as if I never knew God.
"It is impossible for you to love me with all of your heart, mind and soul." He told me. Breaking in tears, once again, I insisted that I can, if I would just give my 100%.
"You can't. You know why? Your default as a human is to sin. Your ways of discovering life is sinful, contradicting to my statutes, my decrees." He explained. It broke all of me hearing the truth. That I cannot do it myself. That it is really impossible. That we need a Savior.
"So why am I still pursuing, You, O God, if I am nothing but an eyesore to You?" I argued. "So what am I suppose to do?"
So what should I really do?
"How can you love someone without knowing the one you love?"
And once again, I am reminded that love is a decision. An every day commitment of spending time to know the other party in good and bad times. And I love because He loved us first. That His love is perfect; nothing in this world could ever separate me from His love, His grace, His goodness. He is God no matter what. That everything that He is makes Him the only one who can save and redeem us from our fallenness. This is why it is said in the bible that, "in our weakness, we are made perfect in Christ." He is not intimidated by the things that we do or not do, for it does not add or lose value to who He is. Jesus is the final authority, his final act gives victory.
I am in awe to recall how His grace helped to live in newness. Everyone wants that. But not everyone knows how to. Yes, you can go somewhere far away or buy new things or do new things to cover all you never wanted. But no one can ever renew who you are just like the newness in Christ that assures, secures, affirms and hopes.
He is a good, good Father. He is someone I choose to trust despite the things that I see. Even when it hurts, He is good. Even when it's hard, He is good. Even when it all falls apart, He is good. He give and take away - He alone has the power to do it. I know I am in good hands with all these travails I am going through.
And I thank God for bringing me on my knees, experiencing this desperation for Him. Because if there is something that I don't want to happen, that is to lose my devotion for Him.
Draw near to God and He will also draw near to you.
