I'm not sad or bitter, nor bothered. I just wanna share a thought or two about a convo I had with a friend. You see, I don't feel anything about it like I care much about how it bothers them or what. But the thing is, is that my role in their lives? Was that how I mean to them? I mean, I wanna feel betrayed but thank goodness they're my friends. I wanna get angry but I can't; I can't because I am not. Yet it doesn't mean I'm in union with their thoughts. Maybe becaue I have already set my ground. Or maybe because I don't give a thing about what they feel. I'm not yet at the peak, yet I'm already in a point where I have already noticed it - that there's really something to say about that kind of situation. And one thing that generates in my mind? I hate to say this but really, Mars are sly foxes. Anyways, I don't hate them, I just don't like that part of them.

Sooo frustrating~ Yet, I thank my God

Sorry to drop by frustrated. Anyways, this too shall pass. Ya know, just a little bit of hard face palm will do.

How is it going? Happy new year! It feels like forever when I started blogging again. I'm afraid it was because of my stress living. I've been sleeping early dawn because of reading manga. And yea. I know it's bad yet I just can't get enough. Even though I almost read all the good manga, I still can't get my hands and eyes and brains off the net.

My thoughts are off lately. Spacing and leaving things in mediocrity. I don't like thinking too much anymore; I just read the lines and nothing less. I boast about spending leisure time inadequately which, well, sometimes sounds cool. But inside, I really find it really irritating, annoying. "Why can't I work my ass off that hard?" "Bet, I have been somewhere right now if I hadn't given up."

Regrets? Insecurities? Inabilities?

I'll restate what CS Lewis quoted once, great people started with little things. And I wonder what are my little things.

I feel like everybody's moving forward and I'm still stuck sheering off my ugly self. Forcibly peeling it off. And maybe that's the problem. I think too much of myself, I force it to come in an instant, I compare. There's just so much I want to do but it feels like it's impossible so. Look at me. What can I do? What can a mere someone who doesn't have anything to do the day but help her mum stay at their own small store, clean the house, and go reading manga at night. I can't even study properly because of procrastination.

I know. All eyes on me. My bad. Blame it on me.

"Whether you see faults or strengths, they are all part of who you are. Isn't that why Kaiso-sama gave you a mirror? So that you won't lose yourself... So that you wouldn't take the wrong path?" - Amane, Her Majesty's Dog

Both quotes gave me real baaad reflection here. I wonder how many of these things, of these types will continue to make me feel insufficient until I have enough. I'm tired already. Doing useless stuffs like all of these would help me in my future career. *sigh It's really hard to keep on pressing on when your enemy is your habit. You want to get rid of it but it was there for years, and stimulated by environment, can you measure how tough it'll be?

*cross fingers Anyways, let's hope for the best. We've got a big God who is faithful and just.  The God who is surrounded by the mysteries of the entire universe. Yet revealed Himself in His Son, Jesus. So who knows how all these things turn out for the good? I'm glad I'm certain that He is good, and that nothing in this earth is wasted. He loves us much as He forgives us everyday and continues to make us see the beauty of His creation, the essence of His life and that He is existing.

No matter what, I know this simple truth, He will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me. He will never give up on me. Because He loves me. No matter how crooked are my ways, how wicked are my thoughts, how I always get lost, He is still there, up in the skies calling out my name. Nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing can separate me from Him. And in my weakness I find my strength in Him.

when making decisions, it's not absolutely right as we expect it to be. it's consequential. there would always be something that would get compromised. but no matter what, it's the guts, the fine resolve that will lead us into the decision we won't regret. all hopes are always for the best. don't keep on waiting before it's too late.