I am envious of those people who are not just firm with what they have decided for their lives, and made their dreams into reality.
Last night, I was reading a blog from an author I admire. He's young. He's witty. He's got talent. He was able to achieve his goal around the age of 23 and I'm like,
How?
The author said "Be SMART in achieving your goals."
My sister answered "Ah, maybe because he's rich and all."
My mentor told me "Because he worked out his time frame."
And I'm like, "God, why should I consider a lot of things when all I have to do is to decide what I want to do?"
And tonight, my soul cries out. My admiration for this person made me realize about something I tried to hide for some time. I know it's not yet time because I still have things to learn, I still have things that I am most concerned about, because I still have things to be patient. I know I still have to know what really is my passion that I could be able to inspire others.
I want to speak in front of the youths and testify how great God as my dream has come into reality.
I want to cry because I know it's something I want to do but I also understand that it's not yet the right. It's painful you know? It's so, so heartbreaking. You realize everyday that you are in the process but can't somehow see how could it all add up when it's all at your expense. Everyday you choose, that is, you force yourself to be happy despite all, to be faithful 'til the end, to keep holding on - because you know that He's the only thing You've got.
Ever since the day I realize that I have to let go of this dream in order to move on, I refocused myself on what is at hand. And I am thankful because I was able to see the things, to appreciate what He has offered me. And now that this dream has been open again, I wonder if there is a book that could explain to me how to handle this. I wonder if there is someone out there that could understand how I feel and tell me if I have a chance for this dream or not.
For some reasons, there are answers in my heart that makes me say "I give it all to You. I trust that You know what's best for me." You see, even if I want my conditions here, I can't say it. It's as if, all I want in my life is to internalize that "His plans are better than mine. He's to give prosperity, hope and future. He is the answer to all of this."
This frustration of mine comes from "the things I regret I didn't do" and the "what if's". Yes, these are all worldly pursuits to my dream of becoming. Sigh. Being impatient, eh? Yeppp. Because it's not according to what I actually pictured in my mind. I have reasons why I didn't have to pursue it and I wonder if it's legit. They I am living in an idealistic world but what is the difference of living what you believe in the reality they are seeing?
If...
I wonder if I'll have my time, too. God, you said I will have my portion didn't you? I will wait for it. And see to it that if that time comes, I'll make the most of every bit.
I entrust my life to You.
