This video made me feel the love of God. Yes, I felt how He longs for me despite the everything that I did for this entire existence of mine - a life full of selfishness. This video helped me to remember that I am His beloved. His dear love that He keeps on pursuing. An UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I'm back from the retreat! Haha. It was fun. It was full of encouraging ways to deal with those things within you. Everyday's been a battle for me spiritually. I sometimes think to give up because I grew tired following yet, I forgot how I wanted it before. How I wanted to be of a great use to Him, to be a good vessel, an instrument that His will be done upon His people. I felt so weak during the session and there's still something that's holding me back. Though, stand firmly with the anointing that He gave me - to be a mature leader. I am already blessed, and that is something that I learned from the retreat. It was said that, the time Jesus came into this world, He already bore the obedience God required on His law. And because of this, the law was made obsolete and was replaced with something that is favorable to us - in our generation. As a leader, I need not to think of myself always because this ministry that was given to me by Him is for others, not for the benefit of mine. I should learn how is it to die with oneself just to fulfill what is needed to be accomplished without thinking of yourself. Past is past, and there's nothing you can gain if you try to go back from it. Future is still coming, so don't let it be a hurdle to what is your present. I need to be someone that can be looked up to, that can be relied on by those who are in need of my presence. I need to be that someone who knows how to love, how to trust, how to understand, and how to be gentle. I need to be broken, I need to be emptied. I need to be so much of that because I need to be filled again. I don't wanna be stagnant and get discourage. I need to finish the race that I have started. I can finish it. I will finish it. He will finish it for me, together with me. I will not do anything. I will let Him use me as long as He pleases - for His glorification. I am ready. Yes, I am ready to enter the world of "giving my left cheek for another slap on the face, after receiving it on my right." And by that time, I believe, I can go home to Him and live with Him eternally in heaven.

"One day, I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth."(Rev. 21:3-4)

"I have always been Father and will always be Father." (Eph. 3:14-15)

Somehow, I'm getting excited and nervous for the tomorrow's retreat. Wee. I've been stubborn for sometime. I've been so hard yet empty. I went under brokenness and cried for nights. I got tired. I saw my flaws and the root was revealed to me. For sometime, I wished to break free from something that has been imprisoning me. I wanted to just fly and be somewhere else I could find rest. I tried to hide with a smile and laughter but my darkness can't be denied. I can use all the pretension I know but in Him, nothing is a secret, everything is meant to be revealed. I fear. I stumble. I got up. I continued. I wanna see His face. I wanna touch Him. I wanna be true to myself. I don't want to hide anymore and forget what had just happened without further forgiveness. Yes. Be excited with His greatness. I am excited of how would He like me to see His greatness, His mercy, His love, His face. I am excited how will He reveal Himself to me. I am looking forward. I want to break free. God to grow up. I want to go back. I want to be back on track. I wanna see things clearly again. I wanna be empty and be filled with His and only His presence, His lovely words, His gifts. Quite of a nervous, but I'll be FREE from everything, I'll be serving Him. I wanna understand truth. I wanna understand love. I wanna know trust. I wanna know Him, I wanna come to Him.

I WANNA COME TO TOUCH HIM AND SEE HIM FACE TO FACE, SAYING, FATHER, I TOO AM HERE.

I can't be weak. I can't afford to just wiggle in the battle. I need to be strong. I am strong - in Him. I need to win that claim of victory. I can't lose. I won't lose. This flesh is dead. Truly my Spirit is still an infant yet a very powerful creation of God. This flesh is buried the time I realized how much God sacrificed for my sake, how Jesus died on the cross to make me receive salvation, how much the Holy Spirit is guiding me up until this time. I can't be disappointed. I can't be driven out my emotions. I must be courageous. I must be a person of faith. I need to be, I must be. Whatever pain may be experience right now, know that it is part of having the flesh. This flesh is for the protection of the Spirit inside us that is, the real us. Everyday, we are in a Spiritual battle - good vs. bad - that is why, as much as possible, we need to feed our Spirit by God's word MORE than we feed our flesh. The more our flesh is fed, the weaker our Spirit becomes. Do not let the emotions limit the Holy Spirit, let it go and let the Holy Spirit flow. Know too that, our Spirit go weak but it can never lose with the flesh, so don't give up - God gives us hope in every circumstances that would seem impossible for us to accomplish. God is with us in the battle. He lets us move in our own in His game. And when He sees we seem to be lost and nowhere to be found, he picks us up, put us in back in the game again and do a checkmate against the enemy. God loves us. A simple sentence yet gives a off a great impact to those who heart it.

Its not about you anymore. Be selfless. Know His will.

"Is this what I'm doing for my benefit?"

Does this question sound selfish? Well for sometime right now, I've been trying to figure out who is this someone who wanted me to share about the secret I've been keeping for such a long time. The secret sin that died for sometime ago.

The time I confessed to someone so close to me about that secret, I decided to share it to those others close to my heart. Yet one question blocked my from doing that: AT THE RIGHT TIME. I don't know how should I interpret these words. I don't know how to take that phrase in my situation. What I only understand about my situation was that joy, love and, trust pushed me to do that. I came to understand what those words really mean after all.

Day after day, I was asking myself, "Why am I eager to share about that kind of life? I mean, what's my motive for it? Will it benefit me in the end? What will others get from it if I tell it to them - pity? That memory wasn't something fun, something that is not worth cherishing, such a bad experience. There's nothing I can be proud of out of that story. And sharing it, it seems stupid to share it, specially to those persons close to me - even if they are close to me. Sharing it to them, doesn't it sound like I am getting some attention? Sigh."

These questions made me worn out spiritually. I mean, with those questions that's flooding me, I can't help but keep silent and contemplate. I can't even laugh much, the laugh that quirks out of my heart. I can't properly concentrate. I am afraid that what I was doing was in vain, for my own, to which I can't benefit really from it.

Then someone I know told me that sharing such kind of sin, that was deeply buried for such a long time, means forgiveness has come to rescue you. Yes, I believe in this. I overcame those feelings of anger, fear or any unhealthy feelings for that situation when I encountered Jesus in my life. I confessed it to Him and asked for His forgiveness. And now, I am living the kind of life that I never expected - a victorious, free life.

After sometime this evening, God answered those questions that hinders me from doing what I should do. I decided then to share it to my decipler to which, I also ended up complaining to her, I do not know why I am doing this confession; I do not want that confession to be something did out of my emotions. And while in the middle of a deep silent conversation with my discipler, God made me remember Romans 3:1-8.

Romans 3:1-8 wasn't something I and my friends did for just devotional purposes. That verse fed us much that, Romans 3:1-8 desperately made me pray to God that I want to be His instrument, that whatever may happen to me, I entrust everything to Him for His glory. And thus, this is what is happening to me.

God is telling me to share that experience to those people whom He believes I put trust, love and joy in them. God told me that, what you are going to do will make you realize that flesh is really made that the spirit inside will be protected, that the spirit inside will have to come shining outside the human body and show God's great mercy and greatness. God too told me that, it's going to be alright because He knows, I've got the right feelings already, that is why it is fine to share it.

I don't how others may see it. Whether they compare it or not, all I know is that, every experience that is much a like with mine is worse. But again, this is life. God allowed that to happen because He prepared something greater for us. That just like Jesus, despite what was prepared for Him - that is to die for all of our sins, He ought to see how the Father looked at His situation. Let us do the same. Let us look at how God see things the way it comes into our lives. Let us be practice selflessness to fulfill the very purpose of our existence - to love God and love His people.

He showed me what my prayers seriously means and thus, here I am, enjoying the thrill of life. HAHAHA. Whenever the thought of what I did before creeps in, I never thought about Galatians 2:20 and 2 Corinthians 5:17 be my shield. I always ignore those kind of thoughts not thinking, there is a great spiritual battle happening, that there are armors God is offering us and we only need to wear it and be fight to stand the victory in us.

And now that I know what God wants me to do, I am still willing to do His will, I am still willing to be His instrument; for if I get pain from whatever the world may throw at me, this body is fulfilling its purpose at its peak point. I am His servant. I am His daughter. He is my Lord, my Master. But most of all, He is my Father. He knows me best, did a great thing - sending Jesus to die for us just to be saved and have a victorious life. And what I can only offer Him is the very purpose of this body that is, to serve Him, to praise Him, to worship Him, to lead His people back to Him.

Christian lyrics - FREE LYRICS - HILLSONG

would you believe me if I said....
that we are the ones who can make the change
in the world today....
would you believe me if I said...
that all of the dreams in your heart
can come true....today
would you believe me if I said...
that life could be all that you want it to be...today..

Chorus:
and if I had wings I would fly
'cause all that I need, You are...
and if the world caved in around me...
to You I'd still hold on
'cause You're all that I believe...
and the one that created me...
JESUS...because of you...I'M FREE

Verse2:
would you blieve me if I said...
that God can make miracles happen today....
would you believe me if I said..
that you don't need to wait for the answers before...
you step out in faith...
would you believe me if I said...
that nothing is ever impossible...for God...

Bridge:
just live your life...with God inside..
you won't regret one moment of it...
and give all that you can for God,for God


IM FREE. :DD

I made this video message for my big bro. :)

And now, I see clearly

Last night, joy overflows my heart that no words can explain it, my mouth was even zipped because i don't know what to say. Last night, i thought that was it, the joy came from my big brother's surprise birthday, but that was not it. Last night, came to someone, i now consider a beloved dear sister, and confessed the sin I kept for a long time. And last night I thought, it would only take courage to make a great confession, but i was wrong.

I had a great confession last night with a dear friend. I told her the greatest secret I've never told anyone yet. Remembering my past, makes me feel disgusted about myself. The childhood innocence was corrupted, no where to be found, so lost, that nothing's gonna revive it. Try to look at the ironic side of my life, I am claiming to live a victorious life yet, I was taking care of some self-pity within me to which i defended to myself, it is not a sin. I even had a thought that: i will keep this a secret for the rest of my life, no matter how i wanted it to share it to others. I can't believe I am keeping a trash in the life Jesus gave to me. I can't believe I am nourishing a grave thing to the victory Jesus' blood made.

And then, yesternight, i never thought any of these, i just came to approach this very dear person in my heart and confessed to her. Joy pushed me to tell it, i believe. It was the joy that came from the warm love i felt during the time i was celebrating with my big bro. I mean, there was nothing significant to the celebration, to think, what only made it exciting is the surprise itself, the food was just enough not that splendid. Its the mixed love i had for my big brother and his love that made the joy stirred up my heart.

I was reading a Spiritual book knew what i was lacking in life, that is the fruit of the Holy Spirit. The time I knew about it, i immediately prayed to God to help me not to grieve neither quench the Holy Spirit inside of me, and asked the Holy Spirit to have the gifts be upon me. I was struggling everyday after that, and just last night, I came to understand what joy means, what love mean. I shall say, it is not something to be defined for no words can really make a perfect definition when you feel it.

I dared to tell her my secret whatever reaction she may have. I was looking for some dramatic mood last night but I can't understand why i won't get sad about about it - i bet, God didn't want me to nourish the sin that's why He kept the joy overflowing and i can't stop it. The confession flowed and i never thought about being disgusted of myself for even for a short time. I found myself smiling telling her what happened to my past. Dropping off everything I had, she too confessed that she had the same experience as mine. I cannot tell which is worse because we've got different principles for what had happened but then, we claimed the victory that was ours. And that was the first time, i tried to face a risk - the risk i never wanted to fight face to face.

That confession we made last night made me realize what is it to be patient, what it is to be open for His cleansing, what it is to be confident in His ways, what it is to let go and leave the past behind; that what is it to love, what it is to be joyful. The night of my big bro's celebration made me feel joy in an unknown situation. I mean, i can't figure it out where did i get it but i went home bringing it inside my heart. There was also the warmth that touched the coldness in me. I don't know, but I believe it was Him. Through His people, the ones i cherish, He made me feel what was corrupted in me; what was that something i couldn't just find.

My big bro deserves the surprise God prepared for Him. I mean, i myself has no objection because I know how God works in him - and that thing, He showed to me. He's truly a man of God. He got faith as high as his height and God's knowledge that truly manifests until the day finishes.

My dear friend was really awesome too. I mean, she carries Christianity whenever she is and day by day i see the improvement, the growth, the longing of her to be in Christ Jesus, to be with Jesus. The love. The joy. I can't find words to say how this feels but one thing's i understand about the emotions playing inside of me - my soul sings a song for my God. My soul rejoices. That when she did her confession to me, my spirit cries yet i was joyful. I mean, it was not like its a celebration for what had happened, but its the joy that amounted from the circumstances that we've been through - yes, we've BEEN THROUGH.

I find it funny that night too, when she told me that some common friends know it after all. After that, I tried to fight with my pet sin, that is, jealousy. Before i knew about what selfishness means, i already knew that i am selfish. This is the one thing that i am struggling, and now, i see, for God has revealed how He works in me. This is a total hearts hearts hearts. Love. Joy. My spirit is rejoicing. It then crossed into my mind what a common friend of ours told us about: probably, those mature in faith are those persons who faces unimaginable trials which make them step higher into that maturity that everyone needed.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)" This verse wants me to hug my friend to the fullest and talk about what she said last night. I wanted to check her. Its not that I don't believe her or what but I would just like to check how's she coping up now. Let's say, I already overcome that sin and I wanted to know if she did too - yes, a confirmation. I love her and God too, that's why I wanted to know how she really is.

We are worth living in holiness. Yes. Not of because Jesus did it for us but Jesus did it because God loves us so much. Hearts hearts hearts. I believe God plans great things to those who are willing to walk with Him. For weeks, He straightly showed how glorious, merciful, great and loving He was to us. So if you wanted to have this victory over all the things in this world - know Jesus. Know God. Know the Holy Spirit. I am a believer. A Christian. A daughter of God.

its his birthday

you know, i'm just one of those typical girls out there who are very much aware of dates, i mean the month, the date, the year, okay? you see, i just published a post here and i saw the date. it's November 6 and it's kinda funny because at my place, today's the 7th. i don't know how was it but its really funny. it's his birthday. yes, my first broken♥'s birthday. haha. for sometime now, i want to greet him but there's something that keeps me from doing it. anyways, others think i'm still bitter with the thought about him. but the truth is, i can't come up admitting to myself that i still like him that is why i am bitter. truly, i am bitter about myself, i am bitter with the thought, i can no longer love him anymore, so i protected myself. later then i thought that i've been bitter for already years, i have a crush now and got hurt yet i can't forget about him. well i guess, it's Jesus' work. He made me forget about what happened yet He didn't make me forget of how i feel for the guy because He doesn't want me to hate someone because it's not good. He's truly sweet. anyways,

Happy Birthday Mr. Lowell Don Perez. just so you know, i still like you though not as intense as before. i admire you a lot and cares for you a lot, you may not see me because you were looking away from me for a long time, but i take time to look at how you're doing. i hear some news about you and i'm happy for it. boy, i wish you can read this. i still want to talk to you and tell you i forgive you and 'am sorry. let's be happy and root for each other. i wanna make friends with you and see the boy who plays the drum in their church (for as what i heard, back then you learned to play drums in the church). Happy Birthday again and God Bless.

i don't really have a picture of him. i used to have one picture together with him but that was long ago and it was totally deleted. i really had not enough time with him because we didn't last long and i really wonder why i still like him this long. well we didn't do something nasty, but i think i was just this sentimental. dramatic, isn't it? HAHAHA. i am blessed to know him and all that we went through because, without him, i wouldn't be able to know the LOVE OF MY LIFE - Jesus. ♥ You know, i really wish to know him more. I was praying about that before but one answered prayer was enough i think for there is something i deserve more than it. i am really glad to know God loves to answer prayers and that he prepares everything thing, though it may take a long time but it always turns out to be the, BEST. i really love God. and I really still admire this man. let's keep it a secret 'kay? HAHA.

another beginning

I now see what if one's heart become hard, becomes a stone. well. i've this one big bro who's leading in the church i am attending. well recently, i was getting active and all in the church so i am aware of how everything moves. before, i only knew him because of his looks, definitely acknowledge him as a singer and became interested to him when a chuchmate shared to me about her admiration for this guy. now for several times, we were able to have some conversations though we weren't able to be as close as i suppose. we've got the same attitude, reserved but we've decided to tackle the either ways of the road. i know that its his hurts that made him that way but doesn't he acknowledge himself as a christian? why was he acting that way. yes, he's acting childish and i see that cute but can't he somehow act his age? i mean, decide maturely, see things beyond what normal eyes can see. don't mistaken me for judging him because i am not. i am sad of how his brain works. i am sad of why, for the second time around someone stepped out of the church. i am sad because why should it always end like this. they were all stuck up in the past and its very unhealthy. comparing is really a good thing specially when you are thinking for development, but once it gets you anxious, its no good. it would make you envy and do things which you would thought is God's will. i've been through his struggles now but i can't believe he gave up just like that. just because he was out he'll leave the church? i mean, he know the church needs him yet his acting arrogantly like "i don't know anymore". we was telling that the past ministry, to where he is being trained, was more of like a family. i believe it was one but because the other leaders quit, so that's how it is? they're going to leave it behind like that? yes, he tried, others tried to revive the team, but can't they seem to understand that its also themselves that's making it confusing? its because of themselves that's making conversation not properly conveyed. i wonder what kind of "try" was he saying. if he didn't give up, now, why can i feel that there's the tension going on? i mean, i can feel that somethings really up with the team. i guess he was tired but he must not give up. yes. i am hurt. i am hurt because i again see the problem. i mean, its been everybody's problem. the relationship inside the church. well its not a big deal when your making yourself open. i think its because they are allowing themselves to put a barrier that's why its making them hard to realize the joy inside a church. now concerning the way he is. well i heard a lot of rumors about how odd his attitude is but everyone is adjusting their ways to him as they say. well true because even his best friend decided to make a space between their relationship. sigh. he was just to hard. he really can't understand. i don't say that i am way to knowledgeable about him but what i was just telling him about my experience to which was really alike to what we just experienced. well i am not telling that we've got the right answers, the right ways to follow that's why i am sharing that to him, but what i did was to share the experience alone hoping he'll realize something. fail. sigh. i wanna tell him that experience: there was a time in a ministry that my friends and i were leading that we were blinded to what really God wanted us to do, thus, we ended up copying the program the past leaders were applying for the purpose of MULTIPLYING THE PERSONS in the ministry alone. now, this is not right as we came up to a lot of realizations. God was really God to us, never failed to let us see the light that what He wanted us to do is never be afraid of the future thus face the present - to which, is our own selves. He wants us to mature and He wants us to leave Him the anxiousness of the ministry's population. everything doesn't go for an instant snap of a finger and ka-boom! in others, you may apply it but i believe that God has purposes and that's something we need to see and nourish. I know that i cannot undo what that friend decided because i am not God, i cannot judge whether he made a wrong decision or what, but i was just sad with the thought, "we didn't chose the same path." you see, God is great. He told the ministry to where i am involve that it is not our job to increase the number of persons involve in the ministry He handled to us, but the Salvation. Yes, it is the salvation that matters the most in Him. bringing more souls back to Him. I know the church is not perfect and i don't know if he himself know about it. i can say that he was blinded by how the other churches are capable of increasing their population as fast as a blink of an eye. that was an issue to me too but i withdrawn it, to think the church i am attending back then was just like that. and to think, if they keep on doing silly things on their own, and be blinded by their selfishness, how will the church grow as they wanted. sigh. i know that i can't blame him if he feels that way because i really know nothing for real, really wasn't there when the church started to be something sad or like that and that i, myself see the wrong points to which I myself am afraid to work on. Blessed I am to have my team in the latter ministry i said because we, ourselves decided to be mature in God's time. patience maybe hard but we are holding all of God's promises to us, we are holding that vision to the church. i still have fears and i still get angry. i still have pride and admit that i am not perfect. but i'm going to do my best in bring out the best in the church to glorify God's name. i know with my friends decision, a lot of realizations will come up. it may not be the same but i pray that it'll be for good of oneself and God the best. whatever the circumstances may be, opening of hearts is really the best tool in situations like these. i may not be that person who saw the greatness of the church's past, but i am the present that knew that past, enjoys the present church i know and develop it in the near future. setting aside our selfishness would bring everything into one understanding, one wisdom, that is, to bring GLORY AND HONOR TO GOD. :)