I miss you everyday.

sun to sun

The night he told me about those moments, I felt nothing. Like I heard stories like his before, and the redemption in Jesus' name. But now, as his stories just suddenly visit me, it's starting to sink in.

Right now, I feel deeply sad. Not because I'm disappointed, but because I know he was hurting all those times. I wish to could've wiped his tears when it all hurt so much. I wish to coul've held his hand when nothing made sense. I wish to could've sat beside him, at the least.

But in Your goodness and mercy, I know you allowed it to happen. In your loving kindness, I was not there in every moment. BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE, YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE. You wiped his tears when it all hurt so much. You held his hand when nothing made sense. You sat beside him, always. 

Now, I thank You Lord for the story that is yet to be told. I thank You for every life that You are making, sanctifying and refining. You look after us; not for a moment Your eyes turned away from us. You teach us to be courageous in the journey. You teach us where to find satisfying and everlasting joy.

Lord, I may never be the most wise person in this generation. I may never be pefect. I may never be very obedient bucause I always find it hard to. And there's nothing really I can offer you because I'm broken, worse unworthy. But I will rest in Your promise of hope in Jesus... Mynone amd greatest desore to honor and glorify You all the days of my life.

Our lives, O Lord. May it be a pleasing sacrifice to You. 

Lord, remind me of the things I've long forgotten.

To honor and glorify God in every decision and all seasons.

Lord, pwede isang ESV Study Bible sa akong bithdaaay. 😭✨

I miss you.

Kaayo jud. Hahaha.

Diri nalang nako isulti kay di man pwede. Hahaha.

Hi Lord, ok lang? Hahahahahays.

Seven things

Earl Justin, I don't know if I'll be able to tell this to you but since then you have been in my prayers... not to ask for you, but to let you experience the best that God will reward you.

Tonight is an answered prayer. I'm scared that you'll leave me. I'm scared that I won't be able to love and serve and cherish you as much I desire. I'm scared that I will just ruin everything God has for you because I am this weak in my conviction to be right with God and you. I don't wanna make you contend with God's nor with the people He surrounds us. I won't intend to replace God's throne in our hearts. And ultimately, I'm scared that with all that's happening, the thought of leaving the One who loved me the most... that would be very unbearable.

So here's seven things I wanna tell you but I'll keep it to God for now. I don't want to pre-empt anything, but let God create. For whatever He creates, He loves. And what He loves, He sustains and keeps until the very end. May the entire process and progress be glorifying to Him who is worthy of it all! 

1) I don't wanna waste God's trust. His goodness and kindness. I don't want to waste the trust of those who loves us too.

2) I hope to make you proud in this decision. 

3) I wanna tell the world that I'm proud of you. A lot of times I wanna do it but I always holdback. And yea, I wanna tell the world of the treasure that I found. 

4) I wanna do a lot of things with you, and celebrate it with everybody. And there's no more hiding or fear because God says so. 

5) I wanna let you experience and indulge God's fullness of life without fear, without considering anything but to enjoy God to the fullest.

6) I wanna let you live without worrying about compromising what you have begun with God. 

7) And I wanna let you go, and be free from me.

And if God permits me to stay in the garden He is growing in you, then I'll be forever thankful. But even not, I will remain forever thankful. And all the more praise Him for letting me see you to be the best version of you.

Forever thankful to God for you Earl Justin. 

Palangga.

HE CHOSE YOU

No matter how far you fell

No matter what you feel

No matter how unworthy, 

dirty, failure, mistake, mess

you think you are

or your life seemed to be

He was never mistaken 

to call out your name

to choose you

You are never mistaken

to hear Him

to see Him stay with you

You are a treasure found

A gift full of worth -

worth telling the world

worth to be proud of

worth for the best

worth it.

That is Who He is -

good, merciful, gracious

able and in control,

Father, keeper, healer

loving, kind, and loving.

Creator. Sustainer. Provider.

Faithful 'til the end.

He created you.

He chose you.

He will father you.

With no doubt,

no matter what -

past, present, future -

He is fully and completely

convinced and confident

that it will always be

you and Him.

"He will lift the anxious and the weary. Calling home the burdened and the lost. I am proof that You delight in second chances. I am proof of the power in the cross."

But You're not.

I'm scared of my sharp edges,
or my tolerance for everything.
I'm scared that I'm too much to handle,
or I'm still not enough.
I'm scared that I might get hurt,
or I will hurt some.

I'm scared that I'm never really meant for greatness
or I'm just believing but not trusting.
I'm scared that I will not be able to live with the expectations,
or that I'll fail again.
I'm scared of what the future brings,
or for my past to haunt.

I'm scared because He's silent and I think
that He's not happy with me anymore,
that He's disappointed with me, or
that I'm not, never enough.

I'm scared that when I hear His voice again,
He'll tell me He'll leave me,
because I'm not strong enough,
because I'm not smart enough.

I'm scared that I'll never sum up to be the one He expects be to be.
I'm scared that all of my high and low days fed him.
I'm scared that He'll never accept me for all the things that I hate about myself.

I am ungrateful, independent and silent.
I worry and doubt a lot too.
I get angry and impatient.
And I bury hate and unlikely deep.

I'm scared,
but You're not.
You're not intimidated,
but remains committed.
You still look me in the eyes,
You still listen to my cries.
You remain to be patient,
and so kind.
You always open my hand
to hold and let go.
You were never disgusted with my past,
neither threatened of my today's life
nor my future decisions, mistakes and failures.
I'm not quite sure about You,
because I'm never confident about me.
You are perfect in all of Your ways,
and I am not.
I can understand if You would just leave me,
or You won't accept me back to You.
But You are always there, 
waiting for me to come to You.
To come home in Your accepting arms.
And I want, I will remain in this truth, slowly.
Help me to believe,
Help me to trust,
Help me to belong.
You're the only One, I've got.
My portion. My reward.
My goodness. My stillness.
My strength. My quietness.

You alone are enough.

"Steady on, my love. This shall soon pass."

He is your Maker. He is your Lover. He is your Keeper.

 Whatever He creates, He loves. And whatever He loves, He keeps.

Remember that.

"You can believe and yet not trust."

I just realized that the future may be uncertain, but we can still choose what we can be certain of.

I just realized that the future may be uncertain, but we can still choose what we can be certain of.

Though we're to live in an open hand, I don't think it's taking some things away from us. Living in surrender means, we know what's worth it... over time and emotions. I don't wanna fight with time, it's a friend. Nor emotions, they're allies. Both reveals the foundations of every decision we make, which will create a path for our uncertain future. Then we learn what really matters along the course of this journey. It's not going to be, the what ifs or merits anymore. But the good that will last forever...  over the process and along the progress. 

I'm scared.

 Lately, things that scares me about life piled up.

Just yesterday, I talked with an officemate / friend. She shared to me everything about her, and now, her desire to go "fix" her spiritual life. Hearing her story broke my heart. She's married but separated. She has a son and twin daughters, her closest relationships at hand which she's trying to take care. Her relationship with her parents are not that bad I guess, but you can see the brokenness in her. It's not her fault, nor her parents, that she didn't fight for her marriage anymore, that her heart for her children were a bit far, that she's extremely ambitious about having and easy and comfortable life, for even entering extra-marital relations one after another. She was looking for love. Doing everything for love.

Currently, she's into a secret relationship with a single man. I can see how this person has impacted her positively, like this relationship made her want to start anew again. However, I'm quite cautious about the guy. I don't know, but suddenly I just felt so protective about her. I know she's old already. But you see, my deepest prayer is that, these birthing of new things, for wanting to start new, won't be her ground for also wanting to get close to God. Because once again, what if all of those fail again, will she quit making things right? Will she stop her pursuit for God? Will she stop hoping for better days to come? 

My prayer is that God will give her faith in this season, protection for her very vulnerable heart, and guidance in taking the right way. Lord, our out Your mercy upon her. Overtake her with your love. Satisfy her with your grace, day by day. Take her hand and walk with her. Make her realize that You are the only one Who stayed and will stay no matter what. That you are her constant in this world full of changes. Pain will always be there, and God I pray that you help her forgive to release her from what imprisons her soul to experience Your fullness of life. Lord, it's never too late. You will rescue and redeem and restore Your daughter. Help her, God. I know You love her and You will do everything just to have her again. Help her, God.

Then you see, upon hearing her story. I can't help but get scared for my own. I believe she was an active church member, but it really doesn't guarantee our faith in the Lord. It can really be external where circumstances are the only way to reveal the foundation of the things we believe in. She was in my age when her life started to crumble, when she was given her crucible. Realizing this, I can never be proud of the things I've conquered. I was just a weakling before those tough seasons, but it was His grace and mercy that upheld me, made me live upto this very day. Indeed, if it wasn't because of Him, I would've quit life. Quit Christianity. Quit everything. 

But then again, it was because of Him. He stayed. Despite seeing all of it. He chose to stay with me. No matter how I intentionally hurt him or push Him away, wishing for Him to leave, forcing Him to go away, I don't know why He still pursues me. There's nothing He can merit from me... I will just hurt him because of who I am... But there's always this vision of His kind eyes... Very warm and accepting... Something you would never believe that's yours nor you deserve. Yet there it is, looking at you like you're the most beautiful thing He has ever seen.

Tell me, who can get away with those eyes? It tells me that He will never leave no matter. It tells me He will hold me in my darkest night, 'til my fears are far away. He is never scared of my flaws, but promises to take me by the hand every single day. 

Tell me then, who am I not to extend such loving kindness to anybody? To not pledge my full allegiance and obedience to Him and see Him to be my King worthy to be served. 

There's nothing to be scared anymore. Your God. Your Father. Your lover. Will never let go of you. He is committed to you 'til the end. You'll be fine. 

God's knows best. His will. His way. His time.