Dissatisfaction.

For sometime, it has been my habit to eat whenever I am frustrated.

Low AQR in my accounting subject.
Wasn't able to answer the test 4 in the same subject.
Wasn't able to answer even a spoon-fed question.

LIKE WHAT THE?!

I'm like expecting high; been enthusiast and tried to do my best. Still isn't enough? Isn't wrong to see Him working in my studies? I've tried to follow Him like "You've dragged me here so I'll entrust you this." I'm tired to see my failures. I'm tired to understand that I can't have my desires. I had once mine but I had it all at loss.

What now?

I know. I mean, I guess I've been this bad. He wasn't able to communicate well with me because I've got something that is still unconfessed. I can see the blessings but more than that? I wanted to hear His voice; more of Him.

My spirit is fine but I'm depriving the freedom it knew. I withdrew. I fought over what is supposedly surrendered. I was intimidated. I feared. His messages, my devotions didn't made me secured with my studies.

Another thing - I wasn't able to attend the baptism my spirit's been longing for a time. I was having all these justifications which would end up with the TRUTH: Baptism is obeying God and NOTHING else.

So I tried to move my attention into where I can forget things - FOR A WHILE.

FOR A WHILE.

A WHILE.

Those things didn't satisfy me. Even a single bit. I tried my guilty pleasure but it was all A WHILE. The feeling didn't last. I ended being eaten by my huge thoughts about what had happen.

Don't know what to do. Don't know what to say. Still floating in the midst of the ocean. The heat that burns my skin.

I wonder why I am not drowning. I wonder why it burns my skin but don't kill my sight. I wonder...

WHY...
WHY?
WHYYY?

I am still afraid. I don't know how to hand it over. I'm afraid that it would be the same again. It happened so many times. And it happened that I disappointed people a lot. I feel stupid. I want to feel secured in my studies. But how can I do that if I had already surrendered everything? It's like I have nothing anymore yet after all it's like "Hello? Has anyone promised to me?"

Where's the Divine Intervention? I thought You would go and come rescue me? Do you really do that? I don't want to fake things. I am holding onto Your word but do you really rescue Your people?

My spirit's telling me the brighter side of this situation. I know, I'm gonna eat all of these. I rebelled against You because I feared and I pained. MY SHAME. I KNOW. SHAME ON ME.

I'll be waiting in wings My Lord.

Forgive my rudeness.

I'm still in pain.