"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses." - 1 Timothy 1:12 ESV

A faith not tested is a faith not trusted.

Breathe. Quiet yourself. Think. Slow down. Smile. Be grateful.

it's hard to receive love when you yourself don't believe you deserve it

This test of security
this truth discipline
that even if things 
doesn't go your way
because it is His way
you will believe
you will still be in faith
that you are loved
Greatly loved by the King
Because He said so
and that's all that matters

I believe in you.

Hi there,

Whoever you may be. I just want to tell you that there's someone out there who believes in you, praying for you - a family,  a friend, a lover.

Believe in yourself, beloved.

The things you did, do and will do will bring you where you're supposed to be. In His very time, your season will come. Believe that there's something stored for you because you have a purpose to fulfill, not by your might but by His providence. More than willing and able, He has graced you to prosper and have the future you hope for.

I believe in you, beloved.

No, don't give up. Even when your circumstances say you have nothing to believe in. Hope in God, for you shall praise Him! He saved you to experience the fullness of His salvation. He redeemed you to make you taste and see His goodness. You are seen, therefore we shall believe. There is nothing hidden from him, my love. Your fears and tears, he saw it all. He knows it all. 

Nothing is broken, nothing is missing. You are held. You are well-kept. Continue to hold fast to the confession of your faith, for He who promised is faithful. Christ's sacrifice once withholds nothing but His loving kindness and mercy.

Have faith, courageous one.
Know that I am believing alongside you.

SURPRISE

A week ago, I was asking God to surprise me for my birthday. I was telling Him what I want to have - Ecuadorian Roses from Blumes' Davao or Love Letters from favorite people or a message from Mr. Hi. I was giggling inside thinking about these but I was also battling it because I don't want to spend my birthday with these drives. I mean, what if any of these won't happen?

AND NOTHING REALLY HAPPENED. Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday with people I really admire. My day started with my sister nagging me about her comb that I left at the office. I was then the whole day sitting in front of my laptop working on deadlines, silent about the day. I spent the entire night meeting with people talking about God. 

It was not the day I imagined it should be. People celebrating in parties, everyone enjoying the good food and good company. SURPRISE, SURPRISE! As much as I wanted to celebrate it that way, but I guess I haven't realize why I should do that in the first place.

When we sow, there is to harvest. You see the irony? I wanted everyone to enjoy good food and good company but did I invest? No. So sad. And I am ministering to myself. Hahaha. Maybe I was used to let the other people do that for me. Maybe because I that's when I feel I am also important to them. When people make effort on special occasions.

Honestly, it felt lonely. A bit. But when I thought about the things that I do up to yesterday. I can't help but feel grateful. So thankful that God brought me into His pasture. So grateful that I have known the heart of my Father. So thankful that I have found purpose and love in obedience. So thankful to know that there's so much to pray because you know His will be done.

Everything up to this very day is a surprise for me. And it's because of His grace. The translation of His great love, not just for me but to everyone He created in His likeness and image. The way I respond. The way I can control my thoughts. It is because of Him. It is because someone loved me more than His very own that I can not afford to do the things that hurt Him.

Far be it that what He has started in us be put into waste because we stopped believing in the hope that He gave us in Jesus. God is a good, good Father. There are certain things in life that makes it impossible to believe but remember that's WHAT FAITH IS FOR. And believe it or not, God is on our side. He is for us, He is on the move and He will turn tides for you. He is more than willing and able to fulfill His promises in our lives. His Word will never return to Him empty, it will accomplish its purpose in us. 

Beloved, you are in the constant pursuit of His romance. Be prepared. Be excited. He who promised in faithful.

Kapag mahal ka, Babalikan ka.

So what if di ka binalikan, di ka na din mahal? Eh different din naman yung di ka na mahal kaya, di ka na binalikan.

Mejo masakit ha. Ako kasi yung isa sa mga di binalikan. Kasi, di na mahal.

Last September 7, I saw him. After a few years of being haunted of what has become of us. I saw his face. After a few years of waiting just for that day to come, time flew immediately. Everything was so fast that even a minute didn't count. Even if I wanted to stay longer, I could not any longer. I could not barely look at him because for sure I'd be staring for long. I was shaking. I said 'hi', he smiled in response.

He was smiling. I was happy to see him. He was smiling. That was the last thing I wanted to see from him. He was smiling. I didn't regret my decision to see him. He was smiling. How could he?

I don't know if I was hopeful for anything when I had the chance to see him. But all I know was, I have to see him. Because I need to. Because I want to leave everything that excites me about him behind.

The pain resurfaced as I started rolling on my bed. I wasn't able to sleep properly. If it was possible, I might have a stared in nowhere 'til dawn. I wasn't particularly thinking of him but I wished to be with him a bit more. I wish I had the chance to talk to him. I wish I had the chance to hang out with him. To simply by his side until I lose appetite for it.

Was I hung up that much?
Do I love him still?
What am I really expecting?

I wonder why did I get hurt after seeing him. I wanted him happy. Sana with me. But it's impossible. The way he smiled at me, it was alive. Even without me, everything about him was beaming. He's like the coolest guy on earth!

I want to move on. Paano ba mag-move on? Hahaha. I'm not bitter, promise. It was hurting but I don't regret my decision to see him. I want to seriously get accustomed with everything about him and later on realize he's one ordinary thing for me nalang.

For some time, my prayer was this: (Ps. 139:23-24)

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!^[a]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!^[b]

 "I wanted to make things right with God." This stand, I heard from one pastor over one podcast, really struck me. From then on, I could remember I was praying Ps. 139:23-24 within me. Well I wasn't really aware about it since it was casual for me to think about this person for a time or two. And maybe, just maybe, because God now is telling me that I have a new beginning through Him. He wants to deal with this issue in my heart.

Then it happened. Then I kept thinking about him in leisure time which wasn't really helpful or productive. And because of that, I took God's word for help (2 Corinthians 5:10):

⁵ We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

You might mistaken me for running away from this feeling. But this feeling is deceiving. We ended because it was wrong. I admit I am weak to handle him, but I would like to stand to my God's blessings and promises of New Beginning.

¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.^[a] The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

 This verse has been my chant ever since the day. I am eager to find that new beginning. Now that I know that there's nothing I could expect from him anymore, except from friendship. I wished anew. I want to be refreshed from everything that has happened in my life that is continually running through my subconsciousness.

I WANT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITH GOD. AGAIN.

He is just so gracious to give me this chance. And together with this, He allowed this blessing I would like to fight for: a chance to work in BIR. I don't know if my chance is slim or what but I'm taking the chance. I'm gonna fight for it knowing God is with me.

I'm gonna fight because He has given me a new beginning. Because I have my race to finish. Because I have dreams I wish to come true. Because I have to live my purpose.

Isaiah 43:18-19

¹⁸ “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
¹⁹ Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.

Yung tipong, Lord DMD!

Grace? Love? Peace? Siksik, liglig at umaapaw! Di ko maiwasang maisip ngayong gabi na dahil sa pagmamahal mo sa amin, Ikaw na nga gumawa ng paraan para di kami mapalayo sayo, naabuso ka pa. Sa grace mo, sa ginawa ni Jesus, naging madali ang lahat sa para sa amin upang magdasal at lumapit sa Iyo ng buong buo. 

"If grace was an ocean, we're all sinking." Sin is serious to you, because You are holy. But You were desperate for us, because You love us. So desperate that left me thinking the psalm "who am I that You are so mindful of me?" always. Always. And might take me forever, an eternity or maybe never if I try to understand it. 

And Your glory that You desire for us? For the God of the universe, He who created everything by His word, and He who said "I AM" to time and space. To impart it to us like God seriously, quotang-quota na kami sa Iyo! 

Yung feeling na kayang-kaya ko gawin lahat, kasi You gave the confidence in victory that Jesus won on the cross; kasi You are for us and not against us. Pero I want Your way for me. That there's nothing in this world that I want but Your will be done upon me. And where ever we are, I know God has a plan and He is pleased with us. He is the God of peace that transcends all understanding. Through Jesus, nothing is broken, nothing is missing. Shalom!  

From week one upto the third, may last week pa of course. You have made me seriously look at Jesus. What He did on the cross. What kind of a Father is God. Like grabe, even Jesus in the heaven sitting at the right hand of the Father is interceding for us. Also, sending the Holy Spirit just to make sure that we are well taken care of.

Lord, DMD talaga. 

Jesus, the Lamb of God - The Perfect Redeemer. 
Jesus, the High Priest - The Perfect Mediator. 
Jesus, the Suffering Servant - The Perfect Substitute. 

My heart is so grateful, O God. So much awe, so much indescribable feelings and unspoken words as to Your greatness. I am humbled by Your grace. Thank You for taking it all. Thank You for being the Once and for all sacrifice that has to be, in order to restore our relationship with the Father, for enabling forgiveness to take effect to us, for never giving up to the end. Thank You Jesus! Thank You.

The keyword is: BELIEVE

This morning, while traveling going to work, the minister said over the radio,

Kapag may pananampalataya ka, mangarap ka!

With so much conviction and encouragement in his voice, he shared his experience of hoping to go to US with whatever his plans there. Believing that country won't just be plain map before his eyes. It happened.

"Never give up. The keyword is believe." 2 Corinthians 1:20 says," For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us."NIV

• Be specific. In your prayer be specific of what you desire. This way, God sees how serious, genuine or desperate are we for us, over the time we are asking for it.
• Know in your heart, mind and soul that He is faithful. Doubt everything in this world but God's word. The world may pass but His word shall remain - that's how grounded His word for us!
• After all, God's business is answering our prayers . How amazing is that? Do you have anymore to say? Haha.

So... you're someone who's been waiting for like forever? And it made you frustrated and disappointed, draining all hopes the universe had given you? And what do you do? You blame others, you blame yourself. You think you're cursed and will never get a promotion, be struck being a no one. Then you compare yourself to others, you think you're inferior and you think you don't deserve any of these. Then you blame others, you blame yourself... repeat chorus.

A tiring odd ugly dull life.

But you can never solve your problem by blaming others, only by praying... Remember that your enemy is not your brother or sister (including circumstances, whatever) , it is the devil. Do not fight wrong battles, love.

Our God is limitless!
Our Gos is miraculous!
The keyword is believe. You have to.

Dreaming about what you love, for me, is the most beautiful thing in this world. No, wait.  In the entire universe! It's like you are to become a supernova that will significantly contribute in the interstellar mediums and help in the formation of new stars! Others will not understand how our language, hope, works for us, but Jesus got our backs! He left the Holy Spirit, the testimonies of hundreds of believers in the bible as our guide and strength. The world may lie but The Word is the truth.

Now, imagine living our dreams. How much of a beauty shall it be?

Tiwala lang. 

Darating din tayo jan. 

Praise the Lord for the future He has stored for us! And mind, that's not some future you think for yourself. It's the kind of future that no one can ever stop and steal away from the One who planned it all.

Believe by Faith

God is faithful. Even if we're not.

We are bound to what's destined for us.

Only God knows what is it - what are those, but for sure, there's a lot of things God wants to accomplish in our lives. It's not only you who wants to go through a lot of beautiful experiences in this life. God wants it more than we desire for our lives.

One question that has brought me into realization to pursue is this:

IF YOU WON'T FAIL, WHAT WILL YOU DO?

Well for this conversation, this question applies to the encouragement "TRUST GOD".

In my current situation, I have just realized that I am surrounded by people who merely has a relationship with God. All my life, ever since I was a born again, I have been with people who only believes in Him, everyone was so passionate in pursuing God. Later did I know that I wasn't able to prepare for the next stage of life that will challenge all that I have stored up as a believer.

Being aware of what's right in the eyes of God, learning what others think about people who doesn't practice what they preach, and figuring out things if you're ready in the timeline of life or not. Things like these pressures me, quite often I become anxious because what people say strangles me. But I thank God the more I feel helpless because His word stands true that, "in my weakness, You are my strength."

Honestly, it's because of His word that I still have the guts to soar higher, never give up and do my best. Knowing you won't fail because Jesus has won the victory, because You trust Him no matter what, because He is good, you will definitely seek for more!

The statement left me a hang over. And maybe it will last. Forever.
I thank God to have made me realize this. I know He's carved it in my soul.
How do I know? Because I won't let it go.

He had been encouraging me for like years to grow more in faith, that is more than believing. It's like, faith is the another word for believing, in the spiritual realms. So yeah. It took me years to fully understand. Indeed, when you hear His word as an answer to your plea, it is indeed irrevocable. Certainly the calling to have faith.

Since yesterday, or should I say even before, He's been telling me to "ask more" and "hold on". I admit that I was putting God in a box. I was living a carnal life. Trying to work out my spiritual life through so much human efforts - which is definitely tiresome wrong. I am guilty for this kind of living. I was always afraid to ask more because I might get disappointed because what if it's not for me or because there's just too much to ask and God might not handle it. In short, my mentality was to never disturb God.

See what kind of mentality I have? It's stiff.

But God's grace! He's really working in my life. He allows things to shake us to see that we need Someone who can't be shaken. He allows things to hurt us to make us feel that we're broken and there's a vacuum that He alone can fill. He allows things to shame us so that we may learn to speak the truth. He allows people to know you because He wants to show Himself through You. 

God has better plans for us. There's just a lot! Faith is all we need. Believing God's word helps us fill the holes created by the world to us.

We might be corrupted in mind, body and spirit.

But through Jesus, we are new. "The old is gone, the new has come."

His death made a way for us to be forgiven and be blessed.

His death redeemed us.
His scars healed us.
His blood cleansed us.
His love saved us.

 

When do we say we deserve better?

One beauty queen said in an Banking Ad, "I just woke up one day and realized I deserve better."


So what's next after this question? Do we likely move or should we stay still otherwise?

I don't know myself either, how to measure but I know, I just know, that I really deserve better.

I was raised up in the thought process of equivalent exchange (just lemme use this word, hehe). You work, you get what you want. That's how my life has been. I measure everything that I deserve with how I work. 

I realized this thought like a hundred times in my life. But what do I do?

We can do whatever we want. If I want to move for the better, because that's what I think is best, I can. There's nothing wrong about it actually. You can always get what you want. But there are these times that even if you want to step out where you are, you can't get out of it - and you know that there's something that holds you back. 

Either fear or His word.

Fear is cheap. It drains all of your energy. It robs you what you really have, what you should have for the meantime. You think you should have this and that and all these things that you deserve but you just end up nothing - exhausted mind, body and soul. You can't realize what's for today is enough because you have already set your mind off for tomorrow.

So were getting into the clearer root of this fear, aren't we? Fear for tomorrow. Yes, everyone in this world has a hold of this. From time to time it pops and then we get crazy thinking about it over and over again. And we gain nothing from thinking the most of it when reality slaps us that for now, we can not do anything. Just yet.

His word. Sometimes it ticks me off that His word is making me stay where I am. That moment when you just realize you deserve better but deep in you speaks, "Be contented. Being faithful in small things is a preparation for the better things to come."

It's a challenge for me everyday that I should have this mentality over and over. Everyday, you choose to think this way because you know it is what He wants you to. It contradicts every being of me actually. Every nerve of me erupts. Every tiny universe in me becomes a black hole.

Do I deserve more?
Of course.
God doesn't withhold anything good from His children. And this good has to be in line with His will. And what is His will anyway? Something beautiful, that even ashes could be become star dust.

Do I deserve more?
Yes.
But not now.
He is preparing me.
I know this because He keeps me still.
I know this because it's Him that I am longing for.
I know this because it's written in His love letter.

Do I deserve more?
After all He has done for me, No.
I don't deserve all that I have now.
My life. My entire existence.
But because He gave it all.
His grace extended up to the limits.

I have always asked about Your love.
I didn't understand it.
That's why I don't want it.
I remember how it hurts every time I am reminded of it.
It hurts so much, no, it overwhelms me so much.
How could you love me? What part in me do you love?
As much as I don't want to think about it, it comes rushing so fresh in me.

When my discipler told me about this certain line in the lastest movie in the hobbit, which is familiar with everyone,

 
Tauriel: "If this is love, why does it hurts so much?"
Thranduil: "Because it was real..."

How could it be love when it hurts so much? How can that be real?
You wouldn't know if you never loved like Him. If I think about it, maybe He's the only one who felt it that way. 

That genuine love that hurts when He saw His beloved died.

So instead of seeing us dying everyday of our lives, Jesus came and said "Let me take their place." And so the Father gave His only begotten Son die for us to live.

Now tell me, do you deserve what you say you deserve?



 
 

Don't give up

I am envious of those people who are not just firm with what they have decided for their lives, and made their dreams into reality.

Last night, I was reading a blog from an author I admire. He's young. He's witty. He's got talent. He was able to achieve his goal around the age of 23 and I'm like,



How?



The author said "Be SMART in achieving your goals."
My sister answered "Ah, maybe because he's rich and all."
My mentor told me "Because he worked out his time frame."


And I'm like, "God, why should I consider a lot of things when all I have to do is to decide what I want to do?"


And tonight, my soul cries out. My admiration for this person made me realize about something I tried to hide for some time. I know it's not yet time because I still have things to learn, I still have things that I am most concerned about, because I still have things to be patient. I know I still have to know what really is my passion that I could be able to inspire others.

I want to speak in front of the youths and testify how great God as my dream has come into reality.

I want to cry because I know it's something I want to do but I also understand that it's not yet the right. It's painful you know? It's so, so heartbreaking. You realize everyday that you are in the process but can't somehow see how could it all add up when it's all at your expense. Everyday you choose, that is, you force yourself to be happy despite all, to be faithful 'til the end, to keep holding on - because you know that He's the only thing You've got.

Ever since the day I realize that I have to let go of this dream in order to move on, I refocused myself on what is at hand. And I am thankful because I was able to see the things, to appreciate what He has offered me. And now that this dream has been open again, I wonder if there is a book that could explain to me how to handle this. I wonder if there is someone out there that could understand how I feel and tell me if I have a chance for this dream or not.

For some reasons, there are answers in my heart that makes me say "I give it all to You. I trust that You know what's best for me." You see, even if I want my conditions here, I can't say it. It's as if, all I want in my life is to internalize that "His plans are better than mine. He's to give prosperity, hope and future. He is the answer to all of this."

This frustration of mine comes from "the things I regret I didn't do" and the "what if's". Yes, these are all worldly pursuits to my dream of becoming. Sigh. Being impatient, eh? Yeppp. Because it's not according to what I actually pictured in my mind. I have reasons why I didn't have to pursue it and I wonder if it's legit. They I am living in an idealistic world but what is the difference of living what you believe in the reality they are seeing?

If...


I wonder if I'll have my time, too. God, you said I will have my portion didn't you? I will wait for it. And see to it that if that time comes, I'll make the most of every bit.

I entrust my life to You.

Sooo frustrating~ Yet, I thank my God

Sorry to drop by frustrated. Anyways, this too shall pass. Ya know, just a little bit of hard face palm will do.

How is it going? Happy new year! It feels like forever when I started blogging again. I'm afraid it was because of my stress living. I've been sleeping early dawn because of reading manga. And yea. I know it's bad yet I just can't get enough. Even though I almost read all the good manga, I still can't get my hands and eyes and brains off the net.

My thoughts are off lately. Spacing and leaving things in mediocrity. I don't like thinking too much anymore; I just read the lines and nothing less. I boast about spending leisure time inadequately which, well, sometimes sounds cool. But inside, I really find it really irritating, annoying. "Why can't I work my ass off that hard?" "Bet, I have been somewhere right now if I hadn't given up."

Regrets? Insecurities? Inabilities?

I'll restate what CS Lewis quoted once, great people started with little things. And I wonder what are my little things.

I feel like everybody's moving forward and I'm still stuck sheering off my ugly self. Forcibly peeling it off. And maybe that's the problem. I think too much of myself, I force it to come in an instant, I compare. There's just so much I want to do but it feels like it's impossible so. Look at me. What can I do? What can a mere someone who doesn't have anything to do the day but help her mum stay at their own small store, clean the house, and go reading manga at night. I can't even study properly because of procrastination.

I know. All eyes on me. My bad. Blame it on me.

"Whether you see faults or strengths, they are all part of who you are. Isn't that why Kaiso-sama gave you a mirror? So that you won't lose yourself... So that you wouldn't take the wrong path?" - Amane, Her Majesty's Dog

Both quotes gave me real baaad reflection here. I wonder how many of these things, of these types will continue to make me feel insufficient until I have enough. I'm tired already. Doing useless stuffs like all of these would help me in my future career. *sigh It's really hard to keep on pressing on when your enemy is your habit. You want to get rid of it but it was there for years, and stimulated by environment, can you measure how tough it'll be?

*cross fingers Anyways, let's hope for the best. We've got a big God who is faithful and just.  The God who is surrounded by the mysteries of the entire universe. Yet revealed Himself in His Son, Jesus. So who knows how all these things turn out for the good? I'm glad I'm certain that He is good, and that nothing in this earth is wasted. He loves us much as He forgives us everyday and continues to make us see the beauty of His creation, the essence of His life and that He is existing.

No matter what, I know this simple truth, He will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me. He will never give up on me. Because He loves me. No matter how crooked are my ways, how wicked are my thoughts, how I always get lost, He is still there, up in the skies calling out my name. Nothing is impossible for Him. Nothing can separate me from Him. And in my weakness I find my strength in Him.