I lied.

Last night, I got a chance to dine with some of my campus missionary friends. Funny how they were just so human before my eyes. Leaders they may be in front of the many, tough and firm, amazing in their calling. But they amaze me more in their vulnerability.

Anyway, I was not really in a hotseat but it was liberating to entertain questions that I have in mind. I have answers but they were locked behind my mind and hidden at the back of my heart. Then last night, I just realized how necessary it was to talk about it. Not to be superficial about the process but embracing the fact that I am a human. And feelings are gifts.

I was taken aback (just a little, because I'm always on guard, I know how cunning they can be sometimes, so yeah) with their questions...

1) May nanliligaw? Paparamdam? 
2) Sino type mo sa center?
3) Anong qualities hanap mo or yung non-negotiables mo?
4) What if may mag-lay down sayo, tatlo, how would you know (or choose) ?
5) Changes that happened after the 10 days mission trip? 

For the first 3 questions, we were laughing inside the car. One side-commented over the first question, "May nagpaparamdam. Hanggang paramdam lang. Para naa lang may spark." Then I thought, really? As much I don't want to call it to mind, there it was. Pero ba't wala akong nararamdaman? Chos! Hahaha. I guess I should never turn a blind eye to it anymore... Going back, it was cool actually to hear yourself answer these, but of course, I still have to hold back because I have things that I want to see God work on... Something between we only know... I don't know if its alright but I don't want human hands on this very important story of my life... And it's my confirmation that he's the Adam God has awakened for the great co-mission. 

By the way, question no. 4? Disclaimer. Hahahaha. I don't know if its true. If I recall it right, I used the term feasible to validate the quantity in the question... This is just in my mind tho, I was in quiet thought when the question came out. And I just said what the first thought in my mind, "The yes and amen ni Lord." Then another side comment, "Actually, ang ginamean ni Rau, kahit man lang sana may maglay down sa tatlong yan. Yes and amen!" BOOM! Attagirl! Hahahaha. I was caught off guard, but yeah, why not. Let's see what next right after things happen.

But really what got me that night were. These questions:
6) What's your aspiration?
7) What's your dream? That something that are asking  or you would like to ask God , knowing that He's our good, good Father... Just like a child, whatever it may be?

For the aspiration part, I wanted to have a car. A runaway car when pressure comes.
Then for the dream... Actually I don't have. And that's something I'm still asking God of. I thought I was a malfunctioning christian when I realize I don't have a dream. Then I see God paving the way for other's dream to come true. That made me stuck for a while, honestly. But under some circumstances, there's this desire that has birthed in me. 

To love unconditionally, to be a suitable partner, to be a testimony to those who lost their faith in marriages and families. That when God is in the beginning, midst and in the process of relationship, nothing fails.

I don't know if that's a legit dream but somehow that's all I had just realized over September. I know it's still a long way to confirm and there's still a lot to discover. But I'm confident that God will protect and strengthen me. He is for me and not against me, my safe refuge and fortess after all.

And to end this, I'll leave this secret here: 
Hi. I'm excited to meet you. I hope you're the same. I just realized that we've got a few lifetime left and I just want you to know that I want to spend it with you. To taste and see God's goodness, know Him and enjoy Him more than ever,  together (and in God's grace, with our little God-loving generations), I think it's one of God's beautiful gift for mankind in its fullness. So yeah, I hope to see you somewhere. In His will, at the right time. Don't give up, continue to choose God. Praying for you, always. 🌼🌼🌼