Thinking over

Say, have I not given everything I held onto for me to feel this way?

I kind'a feel unfair here. Saying that to others so casually,

Believe and it will happen; Doubt and you'll never find it.

When will I become immune with Your ways? I know it's good. I know that You have said to believe - even if there's no reason to, because You are faithful and Your Word will never fade away. I wanted too, You know that. But I'm scared, once again. When will letting go become my strength, tell me. I want to trust You but it becomes hard when I always deal with it. I know that You have different ways of bringing us up, You have different ways in dealing with us. Forgive me for feeling envious. I know I'm not the victim here but it kind'a sucks when I wanted to say "I've been there..." but it never worked. I guess it's not for me? Well yeah, maybe there's time constraint. But I don't want to believe in it again. It reminds me of the pain that it's not for me "again". And again, I wanted to just run away. Run, run, run into a far away land where everything seems fine. I don't wanna face troubles, consequences, failures, pain, struggles. I know that I still got rooms for it but for now, I had enough. I'm sorry for being an unlovable and ungrateful child. I'm sorry for always ranting this kind of fever to you again and again and again.

I just wanted to get healed, my Lord. I just wanted You in my life.