2012 foreword

It's times like this when I feel like dying. :]

Before the first day of the year 2012 ended, I was scolded by my mom. And it was times like those I wish I die. I do not know, I do not understand. It's always been like that. All I know when the scolding is happening, it's always my fault because it's always been for my welfare. Sigh. Still I do not understand.

I lied. I was dead. I didn't want any compromises. I wanted to say I'm sorry but everything was misunderstood. No trust. No soft voice. I'm wrong. I know, I'm stupid. I, myself don't understand why I keep on doing such things. It's me, it's always been me. It hurts me most when they say "is that what your church is teaching you?" Sigh. If they only know, if you only knew.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Am I in a wrong place? Can't I really have emotional attachments to those I wanted to spend my time? They're right, I've got no offense against them. They're right, always right, for my sake, I'm wrong, always at wrong.

Why did I ever thought about they'd understand me? As for in the first place, they never understood nor I can talk about the things I learned in church. I cana't blame them because I were in their place. I don't know. I don't want to speak. I don't want to know. All I wanted to do is go to the Father. I don't want to be scolded, I DON'T WANT TO.

I love them. Yes, I love them and I'm still working to myself. I hope they'd see that. Every word from them I take care because I treasure them. I guess it doesn't show. Ugh. It's my fault. I didn't ask for permission. Did I go with the wrong persons again? Just like I did 4 or 5 years ago?

It's my fault. And times like these makes me wanna disappear in there lives. Will I really enjoy life? God's blessings?

O Lord, thank you for Your Word. Thank you for the healing. Thank you for the promises.

Everything will be fine.

Gonna read His special message. :">