Flustered & Frustrated

Last night felt like I was mourning over a beloved's death.

I can't find myself be happy with her decision.

I was flustered with her decision.

I  was frustrated.


The other night, I met an older brother greeting me on my birthday. Then he asked how is my dear friend and her "boyfriend". So I was like, Whaaaat are you saying? Told him they are not going out or what, she didn't give a word to me (believing our accountability with her is important with her), and brushed off the issue.

Since last week, I was bothered about this girl so I tried calling and texting her. Her numbers were unattended. But I continually dropped texts to her. Yet still, no response. I want to check her up remembering what she told me: I'm going to Davao to celebrate his birthday together with his family and friends. 

Then last night happened. Maybe because the "news" was too heavy that this girl friend b decided to open up the issue with the concerning parties.

Girl friend B texted me that Girl friend A and her suitor are already going out.

I could not believe it.

I want to hear it from her.

I messaged girl friend b who told her about it. She said it came from girl friend a directly. She even sent me a screenshot of their convo. I could not think properly after seeing it. I was lost somehow. I was frustrated.

I was asking God what was wrong. I was trying to battle the anger by understanding her situation. Her very situation of being far from immediate help. What was I expecting? Was I too spiritually legalistic about her season? What did lack?

I felt so broken. I want to be happy because I know she is happy with her decision. But somehow I can't find myself get happy with the decision. I can accept that she might not listen to whatever it was that we told her the last time we went to Katanggawan and review the team's accountability. 

And to think what happened felt like we don't actually matter to her, hurts.

I cried asking God what to do because I don't anymore. "Jesus, what would you do?"

Choose restoring the relationship. And move on.

I was refreshing myself with Jesus' encounter with the people. I was looking for a certain scenario where I think my situation and His solution coincide. Then it dawned to me, Jesus was sent to the world to reconcile us to the Father. So what can I say?

"Let the dead bury their own dead." Move on. 
Somewhere in my heart, because of what happened, wanted to hold her tight. But once again, God reminded me that I can not remain in the situation. He has another mission for me to accomplish. The same with her.  He will take care of her. Maybe God is telling us to remind her that we have her back always, no matter what her decision is. Remind her that we are not always at her side talking her about God, but is one of her responsibility.

Frustrated and Flustered. But I have the choice to obey God & to preserve the relationship. All the more I have the reason to do it, because God loves His people. Because He is my strength. My portion. He is our shepherd who makes us lie down in green pastures, leads us beside still waters and restores our soul.