I'm scared.

 Lately, things that scares me about life piled up.

Just yesterday, I talked with an officemate / friend. She shared to me everything about her, and now, her desire to go "fix" her spiritual life. Hearing her story broke my heart. She's married but separated. She has a son and twin daughters, her closest relationships at hand which she's trying to take care. Her relationship with her parents are not that bad I guess, but you can see the brokenness in her. It's not her fault, nor her parents, that she didn't fight for her marriage anymore, that her heart for her children were a bit far, that she's extremely ambitious about having and easy and comfortable life, for even entering extra-marital relations one after another. She was looking for love. Doing everything for love.

Currently, she's into a secret relationship with a single man. I can see how this person has impacted her positively, like this relationship made her want to start anew again. However, I'm quite cautious about the guy. I don't know, but suddenly I just felt so protective about her. I know she's old already. But you see, my deepest prayer is that, these birthing of new things, for wanting to start new, won't be her ground for also wanting to get close to God. Because once again, what if all of those fail again, will she quit making things right? Will she stop her pursuit for God? Will she stop hoping for better days to come? 

My prayer is that God will give her faith in this season, protection for her very vulnerable heart, and guidance in taking the right way. Lord, our out Your mercy upon her. Overtake her with your love. Satisfy her with your grace, day by day. Take her hand and walk with her. Make her realize that You are the only one Who stayed and will stay no matter what. That you are her constant in this world full of changes. Pain will always be there, and God I pray that you help her forgive to release her from what imprisons her soul to experience Your fullness of life. Lord, it's never too late. You will rescue and redeem and restore Your daughter. Help her, God. I know You love her and You will do everything just to have her again. Help her, God.

Then you see, upon hearing her story. I can't help but get scared for my own. I believe she was an active church member, but it really doesn't guarantee our faith in the Lord. It can really be external where circumstances are the only way to reveal the foundation of the things we believe in. She was in my age when her life started to crumble, when she was given her crucible. Realizing this, I can never be proud of the things I've conquered. I was just a weakling before those tough seasons, but it was His grace and mercy that upheld me, made me live upto this very day. Indeed, if it wasn't because of Him, I would've quit life. Quit Christianity. Quit everything. 

But then again, it was because of Him. He stayed. Despite seeing all of it. He chose to stay with me. No matter how I intentionally hurt him or push Him away, wishing for Him to leave, forcing Him to go away, I don't know why He still pursues me. There's nothing He can merit from me... I will just hurt him because of who I am... But there's always this vision of His kind eyes... Very warm and accepting... Something you would never believe that's yours nor you deserve. Yet there it is, looking at you like you're the most beautiful thing He has ever seen.

Tell me, who can get away with those eyes? It tells me that He will never leave no matter. It tells me He will hold me in my darkest night, 'til my fears are far away. He is never scared of my flaws, but promises to take me by the hand every single day. 

Tell me then, who am I not to extend such loving kindness to anybody? To not pledge my full allegiance and obedience to Him and see Him to be my King worthy to be served. 

There's nothing to be scared anymore. Your God. Your Father. Your lover. Will never let go of you. He is committed to you 'til the end. You'll be fine.