Today, I feel nothing. Maybe because I'm too confused with what is happening with my life. Tell me, love, why couldn't I just be freely enjoy being with you? All the time, I have to be conscious. From time to time, I try to overlook all your imperfections because I am too. But sometimes, it's taking a toll on me... Like I feel like I'm always leading... finances, decisions... Don't get me wrong, I'm not counting these against you, and I just wonder why I'm feeling this way. I know I shouldn't because I always try to understand your situation. And God, it's so hard.
2 nights ago, what happened between us was so wrong. I've been realizing how maybe I'm just fantasizing to want everything with you after marriage. It hurts me to realize that when I look at you, you only want pleasure for yourself. It's like you don't love me... it makes me harder to believe that you really love me. It angers me that I couldn't talk back and stop what was happening. I'm sorry love, but I feel so violated and disrespected. I'm sorry if I was leading you to be uncontrollable. I wish it didn't happen, so it wouldn't be hurting for the both of us.
I'm sorry. I'm thinking of not seeing or communicating you while I couldn't find a way to solve this... or to work on making things right. My love, we both know, we tried. As much as I don't want to break pur relationship, doing things right before the Lord still what matters. I don't know if I'm putting a judgement over our situation, but I pray that God will grant me the grace and wisdom to see what He is doing. You see, this is not just a wishful thinking. But I'd like to believe that as in 2 Corinthians 3:9 "For if there was glory in the ministry of condemnation, the ministry of righteousness must far exceed it in glory." I know in the coming of Christ, all of these exhilarating want of being perfect of the Lord is done. But while I'm still undone, Christ's righteousness can be found.
I'm praying that you will understand where I'm coming from. More importantly, that will be able to rest on and trust the love of God to you. I pray that you encounter God for real - beyond your intellect and emotions. I pray that for whatever thay you are breaking right now, God will comfort you. I pray that the Lord grant you strength to overcome and may His Spirit always empower you to let His will be done. I continually believe in the power of God in you, the same power that has resurrected Christ from the dead, where everyone becomes a new creation. Create in us a new heart, and renew a right spirit with us. Declaring that nothing and no one can ever separate us from the love of God, and no one and nothing can thwart God's plans and purposes. Thank you, Jesus. We receive it. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen. Amen.
//
No comments:
Post a Comment