And now, I see clearly

Last night, joy overflows my heart that no words can explain it, my mouth was even zipped because i don't know what to say. Last night, i thought that was it, the joy came from my big brother's surprise birthday, but that was not it. Last night, came to someone, i now consider a beloved dear sister, and confessed the sin I kept for a long time. And last night I thought, it would only take courage to make a great confession, but i was wrong.

I had a great confession last night with a dear friend. I told her the greatest secret I've never told anyone yet. Remembering my past, makes me feel disgusted about myself. The childhood innocence was corrupted, no where to be found, so lost, that nothing's gonna revive it. Try to look at the ironic side of my life, I am claiming to live a victorious life yet, I was taking care of some self-pity within me to which i defended to myself, it is not a sin. I even had a thought that: i will keep this a secret for the rest of my life, no matter how i wanted it to share it to others. I can't believe I am keeping a trash in the life Jesus gave to me. I can't believe I am nourishing a grave thing to the victory Jesus' blood made.

And then, yesternight, i never thought any of these, i just came to approach this very dear person in my heart and confessed to her. Joy pushed me to tell it, i believe. It was the joy that came from the warm love i felt during the time i was celebrating with my big bro. I mean, there was nothing significant to the celebration, to think, what only made it exciting is the surprise itself, the food was just enough not that splendid. Its the mixed love i had for my big brother and his love that made the joy stirred up my heart.

I was reading a Spiritual book knew what i was lacking in life, that is the fruit of the Holy Spirit. The time I knew about it, i immediately prayed to God to help me not to grieve neither quench the Holy Spirit inside of me, and asked the Holy Spirit to have the gifts be upon me. I was struggling everyday after that, and just last night, I came to understand what joy means, what love mean. I shall say, it is not something to be defined for no words can really make a perfect definition when you feel it.

I dared to tell her my secret whatever reaction she may have. I was looking for some dramatic mood last night but I can't understand why i won't get sad about about it - i bet, God didn't want me to nourish the sin that's why He kept the joy overflowing and i can't stop it. The confession flowed and i never thought about being disgusted of myself for even for a short time. I found myself smiling telling her what happened to my past. Dropping off everything I had, she too confessed that she had the same experience as mine. I cannot tell which is worse because we've got different principles for what had happened but then, we claimed the victory that was ours. And that was the first time, i tried to face a risk - the risk i never wanted to fight face to face.

That confession we made last night made me realize what is it to be patient, what it is to be open for His cleansing, what it is to be confident in His ways, what it is to let go and leave the past behind; that what is it to love, what it is to be joyful. The night of my big bro's celebration made me feel joy in an unknown situation. I mean, i can't figure it out where did i get it but i went home bringing it inside my heart. There was also the warmth that touched the coldness in me. I don't know, but I believe it was Him. Through His people, the ones i cherish, He made me feel what was corrupted in me; what was that something i couldn't just find.

My big bro deserves the surprise God prepared for Him. I mean, i myself has no objection because I know how God works in him - and that thing, He showed to me. He's truly a man of God. He got faith as high as his height and God's knowledge that truly manifests until the day finishes.

My dear friend was really awesome too. I mean, she carries Christianity whenever she is and day by day i see the improvement, the growth, the longing of her to be in Christ Jesus, to be with Jesus. The love. The joy. I can't find words to say how this feels but one thing's i understand about the emotions playing inside of me - my soul sings a song for my God. My soul rejoices. That when she did her confession to me, my spirit cries yet i was joyful. I mean, it was not like its a celebration for what had happened, but its the joy that amounted from the circumstances that we've been through - yes, we've BEEN THROUGH.

I find it funny that night too, when she told me that some common friends know it after all. After that, I tried to fight with my pet sin, that is, jealousy. Before i knew about what selfishness means, i already knew that i am selfish. This is the one thing that i am struggling, and now, i see, for God has revealed how He works in me. This is a total hearts hearts hearts. Love. Joy. My spirit is rejoicing. It then crossed into my mind what a common friend of ours told us about: probably, those mature in faith are those persons who faces unimaginable trials which make them step higher into that maturity that everyone needed.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)" This verse wants me to hug my friend to the fullest and talk about what she said last night. I wanted to check her. Its not that I don't believe her or what but I would just like to check how's she coping up now. Let's say, I already overcome that sin and I wanted to know if she did too - yes, a confirmation. I love her and God too, that's why I wanted to know how she really is.

We are worth living in holiness. Yes. Not of because Jesus did it for us but Jesus did it because God loves us so much. Hearts hearts hearts. I believe God plans great things to those who are willing to walk with Him. For weeks, He straightly showed how glorious, merciful, great and loving He was to us. So if you wanted to have this victory over all the things in this world - know Jesus. Know God. Know the Holy Spirit. I am a believer. A Christian. A daughter of God.