"Is this what I'm doing for my benefit?"
Does this question sound selfish? Well for sometime right now, I've been trying to figure out who is this someone who wanted me to share about the secret I've been keeping for such a long time. The secret sin that died for sometime ago.
The time I confessed to someone so close to me about that secret, I decided to share it to those others close to my heart. Yet one question blocked my from doing that: AT THE RIGHT TIME. I don't know how should I interpret these words. I don't know how to take that phrase in my situation. What I only understand about my situation was that joy, love and, trust pushed me to do that. I came to understand what those words really mean after all.
Day after day, I was asking myself, "Why am I eager to share about that kind of life? I mean, what's my motive for it? Will it benefit me in the end? What will others get from it if I tell it to them - pity? That memory wasn't something fun, something that is not worth cherishing, such a bad experience. There's nothing I can be proud of out of that story. And sharing it, it seems stupid to share it, specially to those persons close to me - even if they are close to me. Sharing it to them, doesn't it sound like I am getting some attention? Sigh."
These questions made me worn out spiritually. I mean, with those questions that's flooding me, I can't help but keep silent and contemplate. I can't even laugh much, the laugh that quirks out of my heart. I can't properly concentrate. I am afraid that what I was doing was in vain, for my own, to which I can't benefit really from it.
Then someone I know told me that sharing such kind of sin, that was deeply buried for such a long time, means forgiveness has come to rescue you. Yes, I believe in this. I overcame those feelings of anger, fear or any unhealthy feelings for that situation when I encountered Jesus in my life. I confessed it to Him and asked for His forgiveness. And now, I am living the kind of life that I never expected - a victorious, free life.
After sometime this evening, God answered those questions that hinders me from doing what I should do. I decided then to share it to my decipler to which, I also ended up complaining to her, I do not know why I am doing this confession; I do not want that confession to be something did out of my emotions. And while in the middle of a deep silent conversation with my discipler, God made me remember Romans 3:1-8.
Romans 3:1-8 wasn't something I and my friends did for just devotional purposes. That verse fed us much that, Romans 3:1-8 desperately made me pray to God that I want to be His instrument, that whatever may happen to me, I entrust everything to Him for His glory. And thus, this is what is happening to me.
God is telling me to share that experience to those people whom He believes I put trust, love and joy in them. God told me that, what you are going to do will make you realize that flesh is really made that the spirit inside will be protected, that the spirit inside will have to come shining outside the human body and show God's great mercy and greatness. God too told me that, it's going to be alright because He knows, I've got the right feelings already, that is why it is fine to share it.
I don't how others may see it. Whether they compare it or not, all I know is that, every experience that is much a like with mine is worse. But again, this is life. God allowed that to happen because He prepared something greater for us. That just like Jesus, despite what was prepared for Him - that is to die for all of our sins, He ought to see how the Father looked at His situation. Let us do the same. Let us look at how God see things the way it comes into our lives. Let us be practice selflessness to fulfill the very purpose of our existence - to love God and love His people.
He showed me what my prayers seriously means and thus, here I am, enjoying the thrill of life. HAHAHA. Whenever the thought of what I did before creeps in, I never thought about Galatians 2:20 and 2 Corinthians 5:17 be my shield. I always ignore those kind of thoughts not thinking, there is a great spiritual battle happening, that there are armors God is offering us and we only need to wear it and be fight to stand the victory in us.
And now that I know what God wants me to do, I am still willing to do His will, I am still willing to be His instrument; for if I get pain from whatever the world may throw at me, this body is fulfilling its purpose at its peak point. I am His servant. I am His daughter. He is my Lord, my Master. But most of all, He is my Father. He knows me best, did a great thing - sending Jesus to die for us just to be saved and have a victorious life. And what I can only offer Him is the very purpose of this body that is, to serve Him, to praise Him, to worship Him, to lead His people back to Him.
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