This is the verse that came up into my mind after some news about a special someone. God gave me verses like:
Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1
Well I did not expect that this verse is going to be like a my greatest hope amidst the sadness, so much sadness within me.
You see, remember this special guy that I told you before? Yes, the one that made my life temporarily complete (as I thought)? He just returned from overseas. I think that was last week when my sister sent me a message with all bunch of capital letters telling me that she saw that guy. Reading the text message my chest tighten and beat loud, maybe it was self-inflicted, don't you think? Hahaha.
At first I couldn't believe it like WHUUUT? YOU SURE FELLA?! DON'T YOU TRY MESSING UP WITH ME. IT'S NOT A GOOD JOKE. But you know, deep inside my heart, I know that it's really possible. Even practicality could also point that, right? Then I started to be empty again. There were lots of whispers going into my ear and I could not just react to it. I don't want to do stupid things. Truth be told but it's not like he wanted to see me. I couldn't even share it at least with my family because you've really got no idea how much they made me feel that that guy isn't suitable for me.
For sometime, I have become bothered. I have told some friends about his coming like he was the one who told me. Oh, I just realized, it's kind'a creepy right? Telling this news like we're some good friends - spreading it like that, owww. Okay, I won't do it again. O_O So, that's it, I told some of my friends about his coming and I just don't know why. Attention-seeker, right? Yeah, that's why I couldn't just classify myself as someone that mature because of some attitude problems. There's still this part of me that I wanted to make other people worry about me or know their reactions given a scenario of my life.
BANG. I'm never satisfied. This makes me sad all the time. My dissatisfaction for others. You know, one time, my sister's boyfriend and I messaged each other when I was together with some buddies. The very thing that struck me like WHAT'S THIS AGAIN? was the statement YOU WERE HURT THAT MUCH RIGHT THAT YOU'RE AFRAID TO DATE OTHER GUYS AGAIN. It made me giggle and I drowned in a deep thought. After that, I was bombed by lots of questions from my buddies asking me about my love life. I am really satisfied that I do not have one, I have this one goal that I still don't achieve. So as much as possible my manifesto is to really not have a relationship until I'm ready enough to be on that battle field.
I NEED TO BE CLOSER TO GOD. I still need to change lot's of attitude. Perfection? Well yes. That perfection that God can only tell. I want to be prepared for the very person He'll be setting for me, I want to be the best for him. He'll give the best, like THE BEST than that person. I'm not in a hurry. I've still got a lot of things to work for Him. He's my BIG DADDY after all. Our SUPER BIG Dad that LOVES US LIKE NO OTHER.
I'm letting go of Him now. That's why I am in a great struggle of JOY and SUFFERING. Joy because I'll be caressed by my God with His big caroused loving hands. And suffering for the thought, that person isn't really for me. He's not for me. We're not meant to be. I could only wish if only he is ... He was allowed to be an intruder in my life to open more my eyes about God. I might found no happy ending from that person but for sure, forever awaits for me.
Now, I really want to be despicable, a poker and a real bad girl. But I don't need it. It won't help me in the future. I won't benefit me. It won't make my God smile. So here I am, geting gentler and gentler as God breaks my heart, my lonely stone heart. He wants me to be free. That instead of being a stone, He wants my heart to soar like an eagle in freedom; to be really gentle, meek, despite the harm.
You ran well. But who hindered you form obeying the truth? Galatians 5:7
Yes, liberty. He wants me to obey and bear the fruit of the Spirit as sweet as it should be and be able to share it to others. I want to look forward and be steady in my faith. And when the time comes that God will release His little lamb to be taken care with another master, I shall then submit.
No comments:
Post a Comment