it's been a while since I've blogged for my own. i'm not in the right state of my mind right now; doing things my own, so stubborn, driven by emotions - in other words, I'm no good. seriously. sigh. all i think is that i'm bad, all i do is a failure, i need to do this, i need to do that, i should've-could've-would've done that - I'M TIRED. for some reasons, i wanna get away from the world i used to be, from the world that can't meet my expectations. i know, i know - i'm being like this and like that. it's really hard when there are 2 things inside you that is really fighting, and what's more hard is when you yourself see the mistakes you've done along the way. no saving of myself, no redemption. i used to tell others to not stay in this kind of state - living this PITY PARTY for a shot of time; and when it becomes to be "for a moment" its when you will find for an escape. truth be told, yes, i tried to be strong but i really can't be. i'm always reaching my limits when i see things aren't going the way i wanted it to be. my sister once told me that this is my problem in life - i this and that, NOW; i don't care what it takes but this is what i want. too selfish right?
i wanna go away from a place where i can just lay down and look up the starfield. i wanna go there and be still, be silent, close my eyes and talk with Him. i more likely want to tell Him how hard my situation now is, hating myself, the way i do, failing Him, failing the people around me. bitterness. selfishness. i've got a lot of issues, i think it was right after enrollment.
sigh. lies. i dug my own grave. so stupid. i frustrate myself. i over think things. i do not speak. RRR. this makes me more likely get angry with myself. it makes me so tired; the spirit gets quenched, grieved. i go irritated easily. no matter how i try to rebuke myself, it won't get settled. this is what it means by: the body is willing but the spirit is weak. i guess, my spirit isn't that well equipped since for some time i took him for granted. sigh. everything, i took it for granted. i really seemed lost. a thought happened to cross my mind - that whatever i am doing right now, it's all excuses; i'm not facing what will help me in the future.
i admit defeat.
for sometime, God has provided me with scriptures that could really help me before anything happens. and just as everything tries to fall down, its ironic that my heart won't take any thing that she knows would help her. my heart has become unteachable, right? and i think it really needs to break. it's fine by me you know, i too admit that i need some chastening. i don't want a heart that is like this. i know it's not healthy for me. i know God is the best for me.
i know i'm not the one living in this life anymore. i'm just a mere servant that's in total awe in her Master. ♥
i've got to get calmer. i've got to have patience. i've got to look at the cross in front of me. i've got to look at the stars twinkling before me. i've got to listen with the raindrops outside the house. i've got to see that this is no more about me. i've got lost and nowhere to be found.
i've lost my dreams, my life. but i know my joy awaits everyday. Jesus has saved me from all of these self-dependence. i know He's leading into where He wants me to be. i believe that everything is fine.
He's enough for me.
He's my hope.
He's my salvation.
He's my fortress.
He's my shelter.
He hears my prayers.
He's in me.
He loves me.
He won't get tired of me.
He would never let me go.
He smiles at me.
He's proud of me.
He's always calling for my name specially when everything starts to get a little bit wrong.
He's delivered me from my own misery. I just need to recall what He tells me and focus on things He want me to do.
Trust Him; everything will be established :)
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