I don't understand myself

I treasure people. I really cherish them much. To the extent of holding them tightly in my hands.

I do not know how to balance.

All I know is black and white.

Extremes.

"Rau, I miss you." Pat said.

We were inside the van full of our kuyas and ates when she whispered those words. I was shock. I was happy. It was as if, I was avoiding her for an unknown reason. And it feels like, "what have I done?"

I was thinking when she messaged me at facebook (just a while ago) that music was really reuniting us. In someway or another. I don't know. But that's how I see it right now. We were jamming with friends inside the church when we realized, we were cherish HS memories.

Well yeah, HS memories. Too old. Too old.

I wanted to have memories with those people I really care for with the present, with something I can say it just happened recently. And of course, that would be hard when people around you is more entertaining than you. You can never catch attention when you just sit and decide to never step out where you are.

It's my attitude. I do not interfere relationships. I admit that even it hurts, I don't speak because it would such be selfish of me to do meddling things again. And I know I had it to the extreme. And I must say I do not know how to put it in a way, I can also enjoy.

You might say I always think of other people or how considerate I am. But I think I'm just protecting myself from getting hurt. I easily get hurt. I cry and laugh easily over petty things. And that's my weakness. Because I can't deceive what my own eyes can see, I run away.

I stop communicating to people.

And just so you know, it hurts so much. And I just want to tell you that I am afraid of loneliness. I might seem strong and introvert for others but I have enough of being alone. I wanted to be left alone but I don't want it. That's the battle inside me. Ironic isn't it?

I feel grateful when she said those words but I can find my heart saying: Hey, you've found great ones to spend most of your time. I confess I am selfish with relationships that is why my doors are always close. Only those people who dare to bang in can enter my circle and really know the me.

Sigh. How hard will I become?

Though it really surprised me. It's just that my gratitude isn't that much developed.

And P.S.
DictoComp was harsh to me today. I didn't like it but I find it really interesting.

I am also encountering the same problem with Diwa, a friend I used to blogged here. Sorry for being to emotional right now. Girl thing. And I just need to know and deal this thing. If its not in blogging, nothing will ever come out from my mouth.

My friends are my treasures. My family is my oasis. I know there's still golds and diamonds along the way, scattered and waiting to be dug-out, someday I'll be that someone who is able enough to careful knock those big hard walls and found those gems lying beneath.



#selfishnessdoesnotmakeusbeautiful