Overwhelming Love and Grace.

I know what it is right? I know what are You telling me to do right? It's just that I do not have enough courage to do it; I do not have that courage to leave the things I must leave for You; that I do not have the confidence to do what You have called for me to do. What am I, O God? I have nothing; not even qualified.

NEW THINGS. BRAND NEW. NEW.

What else? Don't you think it's good to become a new title? How about topic? :))

Oh well. How am I suppose to face them tomorrow. I'm getting 20. I think I am not yet ready. Yea. I still don't want to step another level without making out the best of the past. But how many times do I have to remind myself that PAST is PAST. There's nothing to be done already. That I always ask questions, the SAME QUESTIONS as before, knowing the answer. Sigh. This is quite irritating and annoying. Ugh.

You know. After all the things I am thinking. I just need a total self-control do what He wants me to do. I know I can do it, it was my decision to have more in the first place. I should know go some area and do the party mode. It's annoying. I myself is annoyed to it.

God wants me to be serious at what I'm doing - Devotion, Prayer and Fasting. That's the point here. Then it's because of some: I need to be SO prim and proper. I need to be someone who really doesn't fall to His HIGH standards. I need to leave EVERYTHING that will make my devotion to Him falter.

So how about that kind of thinking? Familiar? Well, that's what's running my mind for sometime. Yet after all these things, I am glad to say that I gained the CONFIDENCE I must have - to have myself near to Him, to present the me who is all soaked up to dis-trustfulness, pessimistic, stone-hearted, weak, coward, gossiper, liar, thief, ill-natured, homosexual, pity-partier, mean, hot-tempered, manga-reader, schizophrenic, assumer, paranoid, competing, resentful, perfectionist, ungrateful, sensitive, envious, mediocre -  the WORSE SINNER OF ALL.

Yet who would've thought that everyday of my life, since that day I came to know the phrase "overwhelming love", I was so much into it that I become aware of His great Love and Grace? It was a heavy feeling. It was healing me. My flesh and spirit is in battle, every night, I feel it. Every day has been a great battle. And every day has a new impression to me.

How can I return all these full-of-mercy favor You have freely given to me? I just want to kneel down before You and cry with all I am, cry all the awe I everyday experience. Will You wait patiently? It might get to long. But O Lord do not  leave me. I am still afraid. You are my strength. You are what's left in me. Conform me O Lord. Help me. I always fail You. I don't want to be always like this, like nothing has happened, like there's nothing I need to do.

O God, pick me up. Holy Spirit take control of me. I don't want to be all this selfish - everything for myself. I also want to become that someone who can pray and do good to others truthfully and sincerely. A person that is so much attached to You, sooo devoted to You.

Lord, I know in Your name, in Jesus name, I am already restored, refreshed, reconciled back to You. Praise God! Hallelujah! Thank You for making me new. Thank You for always pouring out everything that I do not deserve. How can I fail to see Your goodness O Lord? Open my eyes, open my heart, open my mind. Break everything that is hard. Open my hands. Make me surrender and give everything to You. Listen to my heart O God and make it speak. Make me someone living for You, in Your word through Jesus with the Holy Spirit.

THANK YOU LORD. I WILL ALWAYS TRY MY BEST. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THINGS TO REMEMBER, TO DO, TO BE ENCOURAGED, TO GET MY HOPES HIGH. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A REASON TO  LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH. THANK YOU FOR GUIDING AND BEING WITH ME. THANK YOU FOR TAKING GOOD CARE OF ME. 

AND MOST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR LOVING AND FORGIVING ME; ACCEPTING ME OF WHO I WAS, WHO I AM AND WHO I WILL BE. THANK YOU!