Silence.

I'm at my peak right now. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I know I do not eat properly. I know the things I am doing is not good. I know the that I should be doing this and that yet I do not do it. It pains me in the head. I go frustrated.  

I don't want to live a life of familiarity, mandatory, obligatory.  I just want to live as it is. Thinking nothing but to live. Considering nothing but to live a life I know. I don't want any constraints in what I do or say, on what I need to do or say. I just want to live.

Freedom. For so long, I am wandering for this word. I thought I have found it but I can't just act on it. Yes. I have found it. But I am always afraid to do wrong. I might get scolded. I might be punished. I might cry. I might not be forgiven. Life might get hard. Everything may seem far away. I don't want that kind existence.

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 

Lord, help me. I do not understand. I know that there are things that I need to understand. That there are certain things that I need to take care while its still in front of me. Lord, I do not know how to take care of this. My eyes are looking at others. My ears are entertaining envy. My spirit is weak. I am afraid. O God, humble me down. You know what's my heart. I want to be sincere, pure and true in all the things I do, say and think. Lord, I am struggling. Help me, I know I am not perfect, I know you would always be merciful and graceful to me. Help me my God. My mind's full of I do not know. I want to lift you up. Let me focus on You. On Your greatness. In Your molding. In Your ways. Let me be filled with Your Spirit and enjoy this privilege of living You have given to me. I want to cherish it. I want to be a witness of Your great power. I want to know how to take good care of the least, the small things You have convicted in me. God, make me trust You. Make me look at You more. You are my healing. You are what I really need. You are the reason why I am here. Look at me. Listen to me, my Lord. I do not want to wander any longer. I do not want to get lost. Lord, make me live the best out of your gifts and talent. Lord, I do not know where to start. I do not know when, what, how. There are a lot of things that I want to change the me before You come. I want to present myself as someone full of passion and devotion in Your Word, in Your decrees. Help me O God.