Purpose et Desire

Sometime ago, my sister was baffled about this task given to her. She was asking me for help how to deliver what was written in this sheet of paper. Before that happened, she was diverting a question to my other sister asking: What are the purpose of the animals? I was silent. I was trying to listen to their conversation. My aunt was their listening. They were laughing, making jokes. I was still listening.

Then this other sister threw the question: How about you Ate Kaye, what's your purpose?

I believe I have mentioned a topic like this almost a year ago. And back then I have my resolve. You know, asking me the same question over and over again makes me want to run away and just hate everything.

Amusingly, I have been complicating My Purpose and My Desire. 
This goes as well for His Purpose and His Desire.

To my foolishness, I didn't even understand - much as I don't like to hear it - His Desire doesn't actually parallel with Our Desire.

For a person like my temperament, I find it... Unlikable.

But, really... Just to repeat this to myself and to those who also confuses themselves about their purpose.  

Truth to be told: Our purpose is to spread the Good News. That is, His love. The Good News that brought us Salvation. The Good News that could make this world just like it was made out of - LOVE.

When we think about ourselves, we clearly forget what, as His Royale Ambassadors, this thing we called love.  We forget what the Scripture is all about, what the Bible is summarized into. That is, love. Then when we get lost, grew tired and feel like dying - we try everything as if we could find redemption from our own works.

Death.

Spiritual Death.

Dryness.

We try to drive what we think is something that is healthy for us. But we are more getting closer to a land mine. The more we try to make it ourselves, the more we become unsatisfied, the more we more unlikely hear what He is telling us to do. We wanted to be saved from this savage flesh that continues to consume us.

We must know that we can do nothing apart from Him. That our desire really differs from His. That the moment we were conceived, His was already determined. While ours was just something still along the path that we choose to follow. I believe our desires came patched with the purpose He designed specially for us. His purpose is definitely specific: To know love, to spread love and to make known of love. That is, we must be love. We must become love. 

So no matter the circumstances right now in our lives. Let us remember: Love. Others. This doesn't just concern about others but I believe spite of the times we become selfish, thinking of these 2 words will help us get hold of what should be. Thinking of others when we have problems helps us to become the love He wants us to be. It also speaks that we continue to sojourn as His messengers and that we trust that He will do something for our current situation.

This is something that is hard to swallow when we are passive and try to live a life that is contented not to soar up the skies that is limitless. Yes, we are taught to be contented, but in this context I daresay, continue to know MORE OF OUR GOD. This context doesn't speak about the world but of the unseen things He gave for us.

I want to run away because I thought everything is just impossible. Right now. Yes. Right now, the who I am right now is just really impossible. There are still things that I want to know at this state. It's like I've stopped breathing because I can't see air. Silly? But that's how rebellious I am right now.

My heart hurts everyday. More like of a girl having everyday break ups from her ai ren. Sigh.
Can someone tell me when will this end? That once and for all I become focused on His delight and not mine. That once and for all I may become someone who blinds myself from what this human eye and mind perceive. That once and for all I may become someone who gives off light and love. That once and for all, I might become love. 

Is this too much to ask? I bet...

I'm being impatient aren't I? But I must admit that I am comparing myself again. I am making things in a hurry for an unknown reason, making myself afraid for something I do not know. I believe it's something that I should walk on but when there's no one, nothing to guide, how am I suppose to know?

Well it's my fault after all. For days, I'm not having proper devotionals already. And it's sad that sometimes, evil devours me. Of course, it wasn't cool. Right now, everything makes me tired. I need to find my drive agaaaain. 

Because I do no want to let Him go; nor I want Him to let me go. 

Everything's impeccably confusing right now. Things like what do I really love to do most? Why am I selfish? Why am I stagnant? Can't I have my dreams on too? Why am I like thiiiis?

Anyways, just like I said a while ago. God has a purpose for this. I must remain in His presence, cause that's what it all takes to have the great comeback I want to. Isn't it? To be in His presence.

Yes, it is.